“The saddest thing in life is when you meet that special someone and you know it will never be, and that sooner or later you’ll have to let go.” The hardest thing I had to do was let go of someone I loved. “Has this ever happened to you?”
About Jonathon Aslay
Dating is a challenge for everyone. Regardless of age or circumstance, we all struggle to find our perfect match. As someone who has graduated with honors from life’s virtual University of Dating, Jonathon Aslay assists women in finding that seemingly elusive man with whom they can have both compatibility and passion.
I think everyone has been through this. A friend of mine just had a childhood friend tell him she’s been in love with him for 30 years! He barely even remembered her.
I met a man where it was instant attraction on both sides…we developed a strong friendship and have similar beliefs and values. We had EVERYTHING going for us – EXCEPT, he was not ready to have a relationship. Given he was married 20 years and just separated for a year with teenage kids, I could understand where he was at.
I believe he did fall in love with me too, but he had to let me go because he didn’t want to ‘be there’.
It took me almost a year to get over him. I knew he was in this situation from the beginning, I resisted falling in love with him. I totally underestimated my feelings for him. But truly, I am over him.
He does keep in touch with me here and there electronically. It’s just sad that our timing was so off…who knows what the future holds for me. He CANNOT be the only man in the world where I would have that same attraction and connection.
Hello! Jonathon, I love the “confidante” wording…just love it!!
I learned this lesson in my 20’s; my friends and I discuss it all the time; and I learned it again in my 40’s – it is, discounting pets and people dying! – the hardest life lesson one ever has to learn. Loving someone does not mean you get to keep them, make it work, ride off on their white horse. And loosing someone you love because “life” intervenes, whatever that looks like, is a loss that never leaves you. You heal, you become more and different and maybe even better….but you still love.
Thank you for being my newest “confidant”!
Jacqueline
Thank you Jacqueline…..
looking forward to chatting sometime
Denise, what is your belief system? If he is the only man in your mind then you are right, he is. If there an abundant men who can provide a juicy delicious relationship then the best is yet to come.
I believe the universe gives us everything we need and want when we are clear and not conflicted.
Sending smiles
Hi Jonathon, thanks for the question!
I do BELIEVE there must be another man out there that I feel that type of attraction and connection with, that he cannot be the ONLY man.
Having said that, however, I have gone through a string of men this year where there was really no one that excited me like he excited me.
I do feel like this is ‘not my time’….this in in direct connection to what you say about the universe giving us what we need at the time we need it.
What I can definitely say is I am NOT unclear OR conflicted on how I want to feel with someone, how I want to be treated. (Sometimes I think that is working against me!) It’s just a matter of finding that man. It’s just hard because I had it, but it couldn’t ‘be’….I’ve come to terms with that. Maybe he had was in my life to show me what a real connection and love can be, and as you say, the best is yet to come.
Yes, the lost love, I can so relate but I hated the pain so much that I built my defensive wall so I would never putting myself through it again.
However, the past couple of years, after learning much about Universal Laws and personal growth, I am finally at peace and open to receiving love again. My fear is gone and more importantly I understand that relationships must flow easily without putting expectations and pressure on eachother to help us be complete as individuals
How liberating to be aware of the mistakes made in the past by expecting a mate to make us happy – how refreshing to decide to focus on creating our own happiness instead – how magnificent to notice almost instantly how a decision like that attracts a completely different quality of person into our experience – how exciting to grow and to learn to LET GO and know it will be alright.
I know Mr. Right is on his way and am looking forward to the day with so much excitement I feel like a child at christmas time again 🙂
Enjoy this wonderful video from Abraham-Hicks…
Sally Brigg
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UYJ0yMLSDEg&feature=player_embedded#!
I am going through this right now. When I met this man, I knew he had some major issues left from a debilitating illness that led to an awful divorce and loss of his custody. He was very sad. Because we were in a sport club together, we became friends and after a year and a half, started dating. That was over a year ago and even though with a lot of love and support from me, he has come such a long way, he still isn’t ready for the relationship that I need. Even though I was the one that ended this, I am so very sad. I see him occasionally at the club and in many ways, that is more painful than not seeing him at all. He told my daughter that he loves and misses me, but he just can’t give me what I want and need right now. My head knows that moving on is the correct thing to do, but my heart is breaking. Thanks for allowing me to share my grief.
Catherine, I so feel your pain, you absolutely did the right thing. Things will get better!
I remind myself of the adage, “People come into our lives for a reason, a season or a lifetime’. Obviously the man I dated was not for a lifetime. I believe he was there to show me how I wanted to feel around a man, how I wanted to be treated, what mascunlinity looks like. He helped me with my ‘non negotiable’ list.
Who knows what the future holds, but we must move forward in the best way we know how…slowly at first, dragging pain behind us. Eventually though, that pain becomes less of a drag so we can move more quickly.
Denise, very very very well said. Thank you so much for stepping in and sharing your thoughts for Catherine.
Wishing you all a super fabulous weekend.
smiles
Thank you for all of your kind words! It has been a year for me and I don’t know why I can’t get over this? or why it is so easy for a guy to move on?
He was going through a divorce with 4 kids. I know that was a lot to take on but I can’t have kids of my own. I was willing to see it through all the challenges that were apart of his life.
At first I told him to date other people and find out what you want and then slowly I started to give in because I fell for him more and more. He was pushing more and more for a relationship with me by bringing me to meet the family, etc. told me he wasn’t going anywhere, etc. I don’t know why he would say that because I didn’t pressure him to stay.
Then everything got complicated and he started to be distant, but kept saying that he wasn’t going anywhere. He said I made it easier on him when we slowed it downed but things were getting complicated because of the kids and traveling for work(he is in the military). then he came back months later and said that he was just scared and he put to much pressure on his self. After that I never heard from him again except in a text that didn’t make sense.
I never really got closure. But I know that I have to have closure some how. It is hard for me to believe that he didn’t feel the same way. I know that what he went through he probably needs more time, but I never heard of anyone putting pressure on themselves in a relationship. But I know it wasn’t me that did add the pressure to him.
I know that things do happen for a reason but why can’t I get rid of this empty feeling that I have had since he has left. I do remember him saying that he couldn’t give me what I deserve. I truly believe that he did want to give it to me but life got in the way.
Hopefully something great will come out of this bad situation! I just wish I could have move on a lot quicker at the beginning of the breakup, but it has lasted a year and it has never lasted this long before. This year has been hell for me!
Chantel, you could be speaking my story! The details are different, but the ending is the same (he couldn’t give me what I deserved). It took me quite awhile to truly get over him, now I have no feelings for him whatsoever, although we do keep in touch here and there.
The BEST thing you can do is make sure you are connecting with men all the time. Smiling at them, talking with them, interacting with them–all of this married or not, just interacting with them. Also, of course, dating and dating multiple men at once, not getting to involved with one man. That will go a huge way to putting this behind you. You may never be fully over the potential you and this man might have had, it might always bring a little sadness. That is life.
Take a look at the most recent blog post by Jonathon, about men who are recently out of relationships/marriages. This is the reality of the situation and men who are in these situations.
Hey Denise, thank you for you kind words! I did read what Jonathon wrote previously on that! The weird thing about this relationship is that he pushed everything and I didn’t. I wasn’t even trying to get him to commit. So I don’t see how he got pressure from us being together. you don’t say you are scared but you meant everything you said and then two months later everything changes. I hope later on he will regret the decision he made. He doesn’t even want to communicate with me as a friend. I am normally friends with all my ex’s, so that really hurts that he doesn’t even want to see how I am doing.
I do notice that I haven’t been myself and friendly with people. I am very closed off and trying to protect myself and I was never like that before. It just doesn’t seem like the feeling will ever go away.
I went out last night and the guys I did meet were just weird. I am thinking it might be the town I am in. Nothing but military guys.
I am trying but guys really don’t ask you out on a date around here and I don’t want to hang out at bars all the time to find it.
It took me a year to fully get over the man I was seeing. Part of it was because of the sexual and intimate relationship we had, it really plays with a woman’s emotions. One one hand, don’t be too hard on yourself, on the other hand, it’s been a year and life is short.
This is what I think based on what Jonathan has said and all the reading I’ve done, it’s not necessarily the pressure the woman is putting on a man, it’s the pressure of even being in a relationship that’s the issue. And that pressure may be even stronger because he does like the woman–he just knows he can’t ‘go there’ at the current time.
Often men know how they feel (i.e. pressure), but they don’t know exactly why they are feeling that way. They know it feels bad and they don’t want to hurt anyone else, and not hurting someone else when they don’t even know who they are and what they want adds to the ‘pressure’.
I can understand how you are confused about him feeling pressured when YOU didn’t apply any pressure, however, we just have to go with the way someone else feels and accept it has nothing to do with us–it’s just where they are. We can’t argue with the way they feel, after all, that’s the way they feel! It’s just up to us to not take it personally, we all travel our own road.
For men going through a divorce, I think a good timeframe to shoot for is 3 years. Some are ready in less time, some in more, but 3 years seems to be average.
I’m sorry you two can’t be friends, but truthfully, that’s probably for the best given how you feel about him and how it sounds like he felt about you. He’s been part of a couple for quite awhile, he needs time to get to know himself again, to separate from that relationship and marriage, and find out who he is. I’ve gone through a divorce and can now see how there needed to be a time to separate from my old life to establishing my new life.
For me, I purposely focused on why he was in my life, what he taught me, what reason he entered my life. I’ve practiced leaning back, and trusting the universe knows what’s best for me. That if he and I ARE meant to get together down the line, then it will be. If not, then I will be with someone even better than him, and that would be WONDERFUL!
What else can you do to meet other people, women and men? Any meetup.com groups in your area? They were a lifesaver for me. Volunteering? How about the opportunity to travel, get out of your town, traveling gives an awesome perspective in life. Just some ideas to get the brain juices flowing.
Thank you Denise! You have made me feel so much better! I do know that if it is meant to be it will be. It is just hard to think that way right now. I do have to say that he really opened my eyes to how I should be treated! I will not put up with anymore crap from other men. His sister wrote a song about me and was working on selling it to a recording studio. Maybe one day you will hear a country singer singing it.:) I guess I was a positive influence on him in some way.
I do love to travel. I am planning a trip to Boston to see the Red Sox play and then head up to Maine. I love it up there.Right now I am looking into a possibility of moving further up north. I think getting away from this area will definitely help me out more.
I will have to try a website to meet up with new people. Thank you for the advise! I hope you are doing well with your new life!
Awesome Chantel! I live in the New England area, about 1 hour out of Boston, south, near Rhode Island. Not a great place as it’s more ‘blue collar’ and less available men; my plan is to move within 4-6 years, probably closer to Boston. THEN we’ll be cooking with gas as they say! Haha…Portland, Maine is another favorite place of mine, I think it was voted one of the best places to live recently. If you decide to make the move, let me know.
Let us know too if you happen to hear that song on the radio, how wild would that be?!
I’m glad I could help, you’re not alone and there are many of us who have gone through similar experiences. It’s difficult to lean back and let the universe work it’s magic, but is a lot less stressful than trying to control and lean forward. I talk to myself all the time (it’s when I answer that I think I’m in trouble! :), refocusing my outlook when I might get a little down that things didn’t work out the way I would have liked.
My sister says people come into our lives for a reason, a season or a lifetime. I would add onto that we don’t know usually at the time what purpose people fulfill for us, but in hindsight it becomes clear.
I’m also really happy that you were able to take some important aspects from this relationship. Like you, I learned too how I want to be treated, how I want to feel and what type of personality makes me excited.
Not sure if you’ve seen these two movies, but I loved them both. Serendipity and 500 Days of Summer. Gives you faith that things do work out as they are supposed to, just takes time sometimes!
Denise, I will definitely let you know if I move up there. As for the trip I can’t wait! It gives me something to look forward too.
I am trying to let the Universe work it’s magic but is very difficult. Especially when there are so many douche bags out there. LOL! I’ve heard that he is doing well, which bothers me. It’s not like I don’t want him to be happy. It’s just really hard for me to hear that. I guess it made me feel like he is so much better off without me which hurts me more. How can he be so happy? I know I should let the universe do its magic, I just wish the universe would just give me a break and stop bringing so many people in and out of my life. It is hard to hear from someone that you are so incredible and then they leave. Whats even harder is him not even wanting be friends with me. My brain just keeps going back to him maybe seeing someone already. I wish I could just shut my brain off some times.
I have seen those two movies. They are great! Serendipity is my favorite, to bad that doesn’t happen in real life! On some days I have faith and on other days not so much.
I do believe things happen for a reason. Last year I had five ex’s apologize for doing me wrong. I don’t know why it took them so long but they were already forgiven, so it really didn’t matter to me anymore.
I will let you know if the song gets picked up. I believe it’s called “credit”.
Have you met someone new yet?
Sounds good Chantel, it would be fun to hear a song written about you on the radio!
I have met many men, but no one where I have had that connection on all levels. One of the things that is a mixed ‘blessing’ is that I’m not willing to accept anything less than what I had with him–the way he treated me, the way I felt with him, the way I could trust him, his masculinity, his ability to allow me to be feminine. The flip side of that is that is very difficult to find. Now that I understand what I’m looking for, it makes me not very tolerant of when not all of that is there. Having said that, I DO give men a chance. Some I know right off the bat it’s not going to work, but for most of the time, I go on at least 2 dates. Sometimes more, even if I know it’s not going to work long term–primarily because I want to see if he will ‘grow’ on me, which many women claim has happened to them :).
I do believe there is a man out there that will give me everything I want and need in a relationship. Just like the Bouble song says, “I just haven’t met him yet” 🙂
Denise,
Just a question to anyone….should I believe all the self help books on how to keep a guy? Is it really the women who is at fault for the guy not wanting to commit?, etc. Or is it really up to the universe and people coming in and out of your life is for a reason? I do like to know peoples advise on this.
Chantel
Chantel,
Each situation is unique so with respects to the books, it just depends. In my new book the 7 Types of Relationships Men Choose (men over 40), I give you an overview of the types of relationships men enter when they do choose to commit. In other words, what motivates them into choosing a type of relationship. As an example here are two:
Family Guy
Mr. Co Dependent
I think those types are pretty obvious and depending on your guy we can determine the type if any relationship he might choose.
🙂
Chantel, these are my thoughts. Relationships are 100% voluntary, always. And we NEVER can control another person, ever. So we don’t ‘keep’ a man or make him or make him not commit. He is there or not there out of his own free will. We come together not as part of a couple, but as two adults in a partnership.
In regard to the universe, yes, I believe in that. I believe we can interact with that energy in a postive way, like The Secret’s Law of Attraction. But this is NOT wishful thinking, this is having a positive, can do attitude which makes us attract those who are like us and attracts good things in our lives. So obviously we need to be healthy and mature in order to attract a healthy and mature partner.
There’s A LOT to talk about in regard to this subject…so I’ll close with this. Courtship is a process that takes time and patience, which many of us lack. We want to go from meeting someone and having a strong physical attraction to commitment in a month or two months. We don’t properly test the man, observe him, determine the type of character he has, find out if he really can be a true friend, and nail down that we have similar beliefs and values, someone WE want to commit to. Because we don’t take our time or don’t do the courtship in steps, we get all emotionally hooked into a man and make excuses for and ignore the obvious.
Choose wisely.
Your book sounds interesting Jonathan. I am always for better understanding and learning about the male mind and how they think, so this sounds like something right up that alley! I can tell you right now that I would have Mr. Co-dependent peged WAAYYY before commitment stage, that’s for sure :). I’ll have to check it out!
Woops, sorry for the typo Jonathon!
I would have to say I have the family guy pegged down. LOL! You are right Denise, I don’t think we take the time to challenge the guy to see if we should commit to him are not. My situation made me believe what he was saying and promising. I believe he wanted to get there with me because of the type of person I am he just wasn’t ready for it. It happened so fast for me in 8 months that I didn’t have a chance to slow it down like I needed to.
Thank you for answering my question from earlier! I guess you really don’t know how a guy is until you get to know him. So how can you peg a family man/co-dependent guy at the beginning? I am sure that everyone can give you an opinion on why they think they act a certain way, but isn’t every guy different? If we compare a guy to be the same as every other guy isn’t that kinda not fair. That’s like saying every women is emotional or every women is psycho, right?
Denise, No worries on the typo…. LOL
Chantel and Denise to help answer your question about family guy and Mr. co dependent.
The family guy is the man who loves being a dad. He likes being the baseball coach, he likes family camping trips (think of the movie family vacation).
Mr. Co Dependent is easy, he marries the first woman after his divorce. If you are a healthy woman you will not have to worry about attracting this guy, he rushes in so fast out of being needy, you will run unless you have a co dependent personality and then you are a match made in heaven (lol).
The other 5 Relationships men choose in my book are the more complicated ones.
Hope this helps
smiles
Hi there….we can do everything ‘right’ and have things STILL not work out. These are the chances we take in finding love. Yes, it’s disappointing and causes pain, but we as humans are meant to be in love. You know what they say, “I’d rather have been in love and lost than to never have loved before”.
There’s also the process of learning, both in book and through folks like Jonathon, but also through life experience. These are usually painful experiences, but the ones you learn the most from. What I’ve learned for MYSELF, is NOT to date anyone who is separated or is newly divorced. Having been through separation and been divorced now for two years, I can see now the transformation I’ve gone through. I thought I was ‘ready’ right when I got separated, but now I can see I had things I needed to go through and they didn’t start for real until the divorce was final. I am of the belief that everyone will go through some process like this, and as much as we’d like that process to be over in a month :), it usually takes longer than that. That’s why I stay away from men who are in this life stage.
This man you were involved with may have been in a situation where he liked and was attracted to you, got caught up in the ‘moment’, but then came to his senses and knew he couldn’t continue. Whatever the reason (which doesn’t really matter), the bottom line is the same.
(BTW, I think men are more emotionally ‘smarter’ than women in this area. They know they are not ready for another relationship, they feel that. They may not know what they need to do to heal from all that, etc., but they do know how they feel. Where I think women are much more likely to just forge ahead, even if they aren’t truly ready.)
So Denise and Jonathan, I just recently went out with my ex this passed Wednesday. He asked me if we can start all over and forget the past. Was a complete gentlemen. The weird thing about it is I was going to go into as friends. But when he came in he kissed me on lips like nothing bad has ever happened between us. Then we went back to his place where he showed me all the changes that he made in the house for the kids. Pictures of the kids. etc. Well one thing lead to another and before it got to that point I told him I wanted to be in his life. I also told him that I didn’t want it to go there if I will never hear from him again. He said he will contact me again. It did go further than I expected. He was being playful we had a lot of fun. he brought me coffee that morning and he was going to bring me to work but it was going to be way out of his way. he kissed me goodbye and we went our separate ways.
Of course now I haven’t heard from him but in two emails. I feel really stupid for believing him. I know he has the four kids right now but still its been five days.
What do you think of this situation? I am just plain stupid to think he actually cared and missed me or he was just using me for sex? Which doesn’t make since why you would open up old wounds when he could have found someone else to do that with. Plus why would you start talking to me about what happened in our relationship and tell me it wasn’t me. He said he has a lot of expectations for himself that he wasn’t able to live up too. I never brought us up. There was no need to lie to get in my pants! we haven’t seen each other for a year now. I just don’t get why he went through all that trouble! How would you guys deal with this situation? Is he really just being an ass and just used me? How can a person be that cold when he was being such a gentlemen the whole night. Opening doors, etc.
I am guess I want hear from him again? I have never had a guy be this way before. I knew going in what to expect but this on really has thrown me off.
Chantel,
Very sorry to read your story (not the first time I have heard something similar) and part of why I started my business is to help you understand men better and avoid these types of situations.
If you ever want to talk, I have set up a way to have a brief chat, just click the link below to learn more:
http://understandmennow.com/private-coaching-calls
Hey Chantel, sorry about the ‘drama’ here. I’m not sure what’s going on with this man, and perhaps Jonathon can provide more insight from a male point of view.
I would rather focus on you though. You’re not stupid or an ass. You came to that meeting with an open heart and an open mind, genuine and authentic. That is NEVER a bad thing. Going through life is a series of ups and downs; sometimes when dealing with people, there’s just not a good answer.
Perhaps it’s better to look at the experience as a way to reconnect with an old friend and to have sex with someone safe :), you are human after all! Enjoy the attention you had from him for the time you had. His plate is full. In his heart he may want more, but practically he can’t deliver, so maybe he’s torn.
This is where women get into trouble, spending wayyyy too much time and energy trying to figure things out. When really, there’s not a lot to figure out. Remember that men are simple, they aren’t sitting around contemplating this situation. They go with how they feel and what they are able to handle at the time.
He’s doing exactly what he wants and can do, so this is his reality. If you don’t like it, if it’s not enough for you, then be honest with him about it and stop seeing him. Or see him with clear eyes on what you can expect from him. It’s all up to you to decide if this man is meeting your needs, whatever those needs may be.
Most importantly, continue to live your life with the fun plans you had/have, and continue to date others. Have faith that things will work out with or without this man, the universe has a plan for you my dear, be in a position to ‘be surprised’!
I wonder how this is all going for Chantel now? Has she emotionally moved on, I hope so 🙂
It has taken me over a year to get over my ex-boyfriend. I’m still not completely over him but I’m doing better. We were together for about a year. When we started going out, I had a really good feeling in my gut about him..,about us. I had never had that feeling with anyone else. There were signs that confirmed what I was feeling. I knew without a doubt that we were meant to be. That feeling has never gone away, even to this day. I’ve been holding on, because of that. I even prayed about it and that feeling has never gone away. But I have let go. I know that everything happens for a reason and if we are meant to be, then it will happen in time. When we broke up, I took it really hard. I felt broken. I felt lost and empty. I felt rejected. He told me he loved me and that he cared about me. But then with a flick of a switch, I was exhiled from his life. I couldn’t understand it. He said he would work things out but he gave up on me…he gave up on us. To make matters worse, I became unemployed as our relationship was ending. The break up and the loss of my job was too much for me to take. The pain was so great. But I survived. It has been three years. I feel this experience has made me a stronger person. I still love him. I miss him. We have communicated off and on. Last year, he gave me false hope about a reconciliation. I was devastated when I found out he didn’t mean it. He tells me that we don’t have a lot in common. When he sited the differences, I couldn’t believe it. The differences seem so minor. I told him that we have more in common than he realizes & that he’d be pleasantly surprised. I’m no longer holding onto hope. I believe that if we are meant to be then when the time is right, we’ll find our way back to each other. But I’m trying to move on with my life. I’m trying to meet guys, but it hasn’t been easy.
I’m sorry if I rambled. I feel so much better sharing my story.
Cynthia,
Thank you for sharing your story…. no rambling whatsoever.
smiles
I recently got dumped, the relationship was only nearly three months. But through his instigation it moved very seriously and very quickly. The only thing was i lost my job, i ended up sitting around waiting for him. We spent a lot of time in the beginning together doing things. Then everything changed due to circumstances and he only ever seemed to have time running round for his friends. (We are both early 40’s). I knew they were important to him, but i just needed time for us to nurture us. Its only been four or five days, i have no friends to talk to or go out with and keep busy.
But i do know i deserve better, i deserve someone who can take the time to work through issues and communicate. I have good days but i have the bad days, and right now they are exremely tough.
Hi Everyone,
I read all the above comments and I can relate on many levels. To make a very long story shorter, I met a wonderful man on a Christian dating website and I fell for him very quickly. First mistake I made was saying, “I love you” first which put pressure on him to say it to me. Second mistake made was telling him in the very beginning I did not want to date any longer than a year based on the fact that I wanted children and our ages at the time (I was 38, he was 50) As I’ve read he probably viewed this as an agenda of some sorts. After 5 months of dating, he still could not profess his love for me so we had a little talk and he said, “Can’t you see by my actions?” And to be honest I could tell by his actions and he assured me that we were on the road to marriage. Upon almost a year of dating, he tells me in car ride that he doesn’t love me. I was blown away and devastated. 2 days later I went over to his place and picked up some belongings and called the relationship off. It has been 8 months and I’ve been completely devastated beyond anything that I’ve ever known before. I loved this man with all my heart and to hear the feeling is not mutual feels like someones took my heart out of my body and is continually stepping on it. It truly is the worst pain in the world. Some days are better than others and I have put my profile back out on the dating website but I’m still in love with this man. I know this is going to take time and I deserve to be with a man who loves me. I don’t know how much of this had to do with him or me. He was previously married for 7 years and had just gotten out of a 5 year relationship prior to meeting me. I did feel like there were some battle scars from those relationships and some issues that he needed to let go of. I have not spoken to him in 2 months and i don’t plan on speaking to him again. My focus is ME and ONLY ME.