Have you ever connected with someone online that you really liked and thought WOW, this could be the one? Spending hours on the phone, maybe even skype. Email after email, texting all the time talking about planning that first date? Has this ever happened to you? Well I know I have done it and I am no stranger to getting on a plane to meet someone who I knew nothing about.
Now before we get into the meat of this conversation, what is long distance? I jokingly say anyone who lives 10 miles from me… hey I live in Los Angeles, that could take 1 hour with our traffic. What about you, how far would you travel to meet someone? BTW, anyone who can guess the farthest I have traveled for a first date, gets a 15 minute coaching session on me.
So, what are some of the things to think about when it comes to meeting someone who lives hours (or a plane ride) away? First, who is going to do the traveling or are you meeting half way? Where are you going to stay if it requires an overnight? Now here is the big question, what do you do if there is no chemistry? or worse what if one of you has chemistry and the other doesn’t… ugh!
Well my friends, time to share some naked truth… what is the longest you have ever traveled on a first date or have had someone travel to meet you and how did it go?
* Only one guess per person and the first person who correctly answers the city I traveled to wins the coaching session
** Winner will be notified privately and my answer will be at the end of the week.
Great !!! I’m almost sure to get a chance to talk to you LOL I’ve flown from Paris (France) to Brisbane (Australia). You must add 3 1/2 hours train from my city to Paris on top… Plus a whole night at Dubai airport… So I think it is about the furthest you can go…. 😀
A bit in a hurry by now. Shall come back ASAP to complete my answer, because that post falls right in my domain of competence. I am close to a “professional” of long distance dating. 🙂
(Long distance, for me, is … more than 5 hours travel or so, I would say).
Dot, My comment was can anyone guess what is the farthest I have ever traveled for a first date… winner will be notified privately and my answer will be at the end of the week.
OOPS ! Sorry…. :b
Well, I’m almost certain it was less than 10300 Miles though… 🙂
2,500 miles is my guess, Jonathon.
My guess is 3000 miles.
What to do if there’s no chemistry? Have fun anyway!
I would have guessed 2500 too, but since it’s already taken, let’s try something quite different : 1300 miles ? It depends on when it was though… Before you got married or after you divorced. It could as well be 600 miles… 😀
“Have you ever connected with someone online that you really liked and thought WOW, this could be the one?”
That I really liked, yes. That I thought could be a maybe, yes. That I thought could be THE one, NEVER, It is the trap which you must not fall into. That’s why so many are disappointed when they meet people : they have expectations, much higher than just meeting a nice person they seem to have a good connection with. Speaking from a woman standpoint. I was never disappointed because I always had a pretty accurate and right idea of whom I was going to meet and no expectation other than at least having a good time and make a nice trip. And, indeed, they all met the idea of them I’d got. In other words, if you undertake a really long distance trip to meet somebody, better make sure you can be friends for lack of anything more, or if not friends, at least get along well enough to have a good time. And too many expectations, like I’m traveling to meet my soulmate, are the key to delusion and even failure. At any rate, your judgement is altered and, if the other person is not significantly different from what you’d expected, you’re caught. And not always for the best. For you must keep in mind YOU DON’T KNOW THAT PERSON.
Because it is easy to show your best face to somebody you’ve never met, even if you spend hours on the phone every day, it is very easy for a skilled enough woman to catch you just like this, saying the right thing on the right voice tone at the right moment, laughing when she must, even telling what sounds like confidences she would share with you only, making you feel sooooo special, showing her best pics, and so on… I don’t mean lying, I mean showing her best. Men too can do that, I think most women are more intuitive though, or more cautious. At any rate, I’ve NEVER talked to any man on line and on the phone who didn’t soon end up carried away and this can go very far. I had more opportunities to calm them down than to encourage them actually. Sorry if I sound like I’m bragging, I don’t mean to and, honestly, I find it annoying and somewhat of a turn off very often. My point is more to show how easy it is to “manipulate” (even in a positive sense and on a good purpose) a man under those conditions.
This is probably worth for women too, I know it happened to few of my friends. It never happened to me because I am probably very (too ?) realistic ? I know no human being is up to a fantasy so, as long as I’ve not metthe other person in the flesh, I don’t fantasize, keep a cool mind and wait and see, though remain open… Listen a lot, make them talk, analyse everything, pay much attention to any unconsistency, etc… And, most of all, I trust my gusts and so far, they’ve never failed me.
“Spending hours on the phone, maybe even skype. Email after email, texting all the time talking about planning that first date? Has this ever happened to you? ”
Several times. Yet it didn’t make me lose my mind. You can talk forever on the phone, texting and so on count for nothing because it is another way offlirting, but ithis is not how you get to know somebody, IMHO. It just means you’re playing the seduction game. Fun, as long as you don’t take it seriously. When it begins to fool you and you start to have sentimental feelings for the person YOU’VE NOT MET YET, then you’re on the wrong track. I think it is not a good idea to drift towards fantasyland unless you’re sure you’re leading the game. Just my opinion, of course…
“Now before we get into the meat of this conversation, what is long distance?”
There’s no right answer to that question. It all depends on the circumstances. To me, long distance is anything over 5 hours travel, for instance. Flight or drive. Because I like traveling, I like moving, I’m free to do so, I have no strict schedule, I can be very flexible.
When you have young children who need your presence, have a steady job as an employee, etc… long distance can be what to me would look like next door. So this is very personal…
“What about you, how far would you travel to meet someone?”
I already answered that question. Australia from france is the furthest i’ve been. I’ve traveled to the USA East AND West coast, and even somewhere in the middle, like Texas, New Mexico, Tennessee, etc…. several times. I’ve flown tothe Emirates. I’m not even talking of Europe which, to me is next door… Let alone France. LOL
“So, what are some of the things to think about when it comes to meeting someone who lives hours (or a plane ride) away?”
– Just in case it would work between you too, do you have the means and sufficient ability to travel often enough for a certain period of time ?
– Is it easy for at least one of you tomove to the other’s place within a reasonable period of time (few months up to a year if you can stand it) ? Don’t underestimate the difficulty and make sure you can move and not miss your friends, family, usual environment, etc… As for me, I know I don’t. Many do though… If children are involved, well it depends on how old they are…. but you must consider this too… And this is no big thing, whatever their age, unless they’re already on their own.
“First, who is going to do the traveling or are you meeting half way?”
There is no rule and this something that can be discussed. As for me, I’d rather travel because I like to see the other person in his usual environment. You can learn much more about him this way, you can pick very useful info and get a better idea of who he is. But that’s just me. Often men offer to travel, they usually like it though when i say i’d rather take the trip. Meeting half way can be a solution, yet sometimes half way puts you… right in the middle of the ocean ! LOL You’re on neutral ground. But I don’t like it that much, because you learn less about one another this way, IMO.
It happened that men flew to meet me though. Well, all right. Not my favorite. It may reassure some women though… So, no rule… It truly depends on the two persons and what they feel the most comfortable with IMO.
“Where are you going to stay if it requires an overnight?”
In my case, it ALWAYS required an overnight, even a whole stay (from a week to 2 or 3 months). It all depends on the distance, of course… 🙂
As for me I’ve always been at the person’s place. They all had a spare room, so that was not an issue. I have a spare room too, so ditto on my side. When you meet half way, unless you have nice understanding friends who can lend you a house in the area, well, the hotel is the only solution (unless you intend to stay long enough to rent something. Don’t laugh, it happened to me once and it is less expensive than a hotel room ! 🙂 ).
I wouldn’t go to somebody’s I don’t trust (following my guts which never fail me, did I mention it ;b ), so staying at their place is not an issue for me. I can understand others may not like it though, feel uncomfortable, or I don’t know what… OK. I must say I’ve met only gentlemen who always showed most respect to me, even though you could clearly tell they were very attracted (not talking about the French here, of course, but of all the others).
All the same, I wouldn’t have anybody coming over here and staying at my place unless he shows up clearly as a friend, for I have a teenage child at home.
ALWAYS have a back up) plan and enough money to take a hotel room at any rate… Although i’ve always had good experiences, I am not naive enough to know bad surprises can happen. So, don’t be stupid and have a back up plan, that’s elementary.
“Now here is the big question, what do you do if there is no chemistry? or worse what if one of you has chemistry and the other doesn’t… ugh!”
That’s exactly why you should not meet somebody you hold big expectations about. If you can’t tell for sure you’re flying ONLY to meet somebody you appreciate a lot from what you know of him (her) and are ONLY interested in getting to know better, then, probably better abstain, unless you seek to be deluded, have your heart broken, break somebody’s heart, or, at the very least have a heck of an awful time.
Then, if there is no chemistry, no great deal. You can still share a great time with a wonderful person who’s not “the one”, make a new friend or, if not, at least have fun for a while as long as you’re there. This, IMO, is the right state of mind for a successful date.
Of course, things are seldom that simple and I know i’ve disappointed several because the chemistry was not there on my side. Since they were educated gentlemen though, and I had made things clear from the very beginning about my expectations at first, well, they didn’t feel betrayed, or I had made fools of them, we had a good time nonetheless, I did my best not to entice them, behave like a buddy and things went all right. Very proof is I’ve kept most of them as friends.
Of course, this can happen and go that smoothly when you’ve been cautious enough not to get carried away, exchanging “I love you” and sweet words, blablabla, or even worse, virtual sex, BEFORE you met in the flesh. If you have, well…. that’s another story. IMHO, it is a big mistake for it lies on nothing REAL. I can understand people want to love and be loved and some more than others and so much they would easily drift into fantasy, It is no less a mistake and the straight way to troubles. EVEN if the chemistry is there after all…
As for me (but that’s just me), I would not meet a man who would have had such a behavior with me on the phone or whatever… I would certainly not encourage it because I know where it can lead and it is not heaven at all.
“what is the longest you have ever traveled on a first date or have had someone travel to meet you”
I’ve already answered that question. Remember though that I would not travel on the sole purpose of meeting somebody. I would travel for the sake of traveling and because I am interested in meeting an apparently very interesting person I seem to have a lot in common with. That way, should it not work out, no great deal, I can have fun and hold no grudges or ressentment. If you come with expectations and for that person only, it is tooheavy of a burden to bear either for one or the other. So beware, because this can ruin what could at least have been a great friendship.
“and how did it go?”
one awesome relationship which lasted several years, two other great relationships. 5 where the chemistry was not there on my side, yet we had a great time. They played it fair and so did I. We’re still in contact… Actually the worst one was one of the geographically closest who came to see me here. First time looked all right, second time, in another place : a nightmare, because I could see another facet of him I didn’t like when he thought he would have me. Yet we both managed to be polite enough for things to go OK.
This reminds me another important stuff : make no decision untill you’ve met the other person several times under different circumstances even it feels like chemistry is there and you’re truly made for one another. When the first date doesn’t go real bad, it usually goes pretty well, both give their best. May sound like an evidence, but second or third time (usually second time) may be a very unpleasant surprise. It is not rare at all…. So makes sure you’ve got the means and time to “test” the other person on the longer run….
This to mention only the main ones…
Now those relationships after all are no different from any opther. It doesn’t mean because it starts like a fairy tale, it will last forever and be a rose garden…. It is easier though, when you’re far apart to replay the first wonderful date in loop in your head, thus to convince you even more this is bound to be the story of the century or at least of your life. Nothing is more untrue. It is not because it starts that romantically it is bound to last… It is even often the opposite…
It doesn’t mean it is not worth being lived though. As forme I have no regret at all and I’ve even few long distance dates planned in Spring and Summer. I can already tell two are not going to work, yet I want to meet those men because I find them utmostly interesting. Not sure yet about the 3rd one…. He’s a maybe… Of course, I’ve honestly let them know how I feel, they still want to meet me. Up tothem, so OK. Wait and see…. 🙂
Sorry if my English is lame or for the potential typos. I didn’t reread my post, knowing it was very long and afraid I may unwillingly delete it. So I apologize in advance…. 🙂
Dot, Thank you so much for sharing your story. 🙂
Hi thanks for yet another very interesting post. Where do you receive your inspiration for all this
haha, I think the longest I traveled was 50 miles, 1.5 hours, and THAT was was a disappointment.
It is soooo easy and natural to project big-time when meeting someone on line. For the years of on line dating I’ve done, NOTHING matters until you meet someone in person. It’s a waste in my opinion to spead eons of time on the phone or through email/text.
Ultimately, humans court in person, not on line or on the phone or via text or email or skype.
Dot, I see this has worked for you, and good for you for making it work in your situation! That’s just not for me…
Jonathon,
My guess is that you traveled 2,740 miles. I recently drove 5 hours but scheduled an overnight at a girlfriend’s the night before. We had a fantastic time and it was very fun. A couple of weeks later, after the typical hours on the phone, emailing and texting, we made arrangements for him to drive this way. Not only did he not come. He didn’t bother to call for 3 days. I think that is simply rude!!! I tend to think, “Better to get that over quickly.” ; )
I can understand you would deliberately stick to your area, as most do. From what I’ve seen, I’m kind of a particular case and I know it.
Like almost anybody, I started dating in my area first, then in my country…. only to meet all sorts of jerks or uninteresting boring people, who would then stick to me like glue (beside when I lived in Paris, which is very cosmopolitan. If you’re a foreigner living in France, it says something about who you are and, as far as I’m concerned, this is the kind of person I seek).
BUT, when there is nobody interesting close enough to your place, well… all you can do is look further. And one thing leading to another, you soon find yourself dating people at the other end of the world. 😀
So if you want to take no risk at all, just systematically discard those who live too far for your tastes. Don’t even have a look at their profile, or even start to talk to them for some other reason. yet you never can tell who’s going to attract you. You may think you’re very “protected” and fall in love with somebody you’ve met while on a vacation, or even professionally. What are you supposed todo then ?
I think there are roughly two kinds of people (there are more, this is just to keep it simple):
– the majority, who have a steady job, own their house or worse are buying it, and, most of the time have spent all their life in the area they were born in.
– and the other part, the minority, who work from home in a business they can do from almost anywhere, have no balls and chains, mortgage, shared custody of young children with their ex, very often speak several languages, have traveled a lot and still do and even, have already lived abroad or at least, for an American, in several other states a minima.
If you’re not of the second category, chances are, like I said, you will miss your environment, your friends, your family, etc… So it may not be a brilliant idea for you to enter the long distance dating “game”. Plus, if you move, you’ll be very dependant from the other person, at least in the beginning, because you’ll have left your job, sold your house (yet you may still have mortgage or credit to repay. Not good. 🙁 It can weight on the relationship a lot !
I know several who were on the verge of marriage, after several stays at one another’s place and drew back at the last minute because, simply, they couldn’t cope with “missing” what I mentionned above. And, for some people, 50 miles is already too far. They have deep roots and feel lost when they feel they’ve lost them.
So, one at least of the two must be of the 2nd category or it is bound to fail. You may feel ready to sacrifice anything to your love at first, it will not last though and, sooner or later, chances are you’ll regret it. There is not enough balance and, as an outcome, after a while, they will reproach it to their partner and/or put an unfair weight on his shoulders.
As for me, I NEVER project anything, unless i’ve met the other person several times. I don’t believe in rushing. Maybe that’s why it has worked for me so far ?
Yet I have a question (and Jonathon maybe you can answer that ?) :
Since I know I’m bound to date people geographically far away and, hopefully, I am a consistent person, I’ve got organized so that, if ever I met the “right” person, things could easily be doable.
I’ve set my job in such a way that I can work from anywhere, provided I have an Internet connection, a phone and a computer. I have a teenage daughter, but I’ve set a clear agreement with her father that I could move with her, even far away and he could still see her almost as often as he does now, just differently. He has got a lot of vacations and free time and can easily travel to see her or have her over often enough. So potential issue fixed beforehand. Since she’s almost 15, she may want to stay in France, the choice will be up to her as to wether she’d rather stay or move with me. Then the situation would be reverse, but kids here have a lot of vacations, much more than in the USA, for instance, so she could fly and come see me often too. When i’m away, we never lose contact. She can call me (for free), email me, communicate in real time any time. So, she’s used to manage that and does it easily.
I neither own nor rent the place where i live, so I can move overnight, I owe nobody nothing.
I’ve lived abroad, so know what it means and I love it, actually ! I never get homesick. I speak several languages and of course, don’t contact people speaking a language I can’t understand.
Bottom line : everything is set in such a way that I don’t need the other person to change his life that much for me, not more than if I lived in the next city at least.
Many appreciate the idea they will not have to completely change everything because I would come into their life. It seems to frighten others though, that things could be so easy and the only reasons for them not to be done could be their lack of will for them to be done. See what I mean ?
From my standpoint, I am only consistent, organized and realistic. I know i’m somewhat “special” on the matter and I don’t expect everybody to be like me. I can perfectly understand you can be attached to what you’ve got, your friends, your family, your job, your surroundings and not keen on leaving everything behind. So I only feel I make it easier for them to make a decision. I am not very demanding, am I ? So, why is that it frightens many (not all, thank God ! :D). I’m not talking of those who just seek to play and have no intention of building a real relationship, I’m talking of the others… You said : make yourself open and available. Heck ! I don’t think you can set yourself more open and available than that ! 😀 Yet it scares them. So…. ????
Thank you all for your great comments and guessing on the distance. Let’s just say some of you are close therefor you get one try to name the actual city I traveled to for a first date. As promised the first person who answers correctly receives a complimentary 15 minute coaching session (in December). Good luck
New York
Miami
Hawai
Long distance relationships could be challenging whether or not you are a single looking for somebody particular or single parents miles away from one another connecting on a extra intimate level. A majority of these relationships take a bit extra work relating to communication, understanding and compromise extra so than conventional relationships. Some people don’t assume it is going to work. Nevertheless, that is true of many native relationships as well.
Los Angeles
And the winner is………………………. New York
Yes, the longest distance I traveled for an internet date was New York. OMGosh had a blast there and would love to go again. In fact, this person had a huge impact on my life as she encouraged me to follow my passion of becoming a dating and relationship coach professionally and here I am today… “living the dream”
Hoping you all had a super fabulous Turkey Day
smiles
Jonathon
This could be one of the most compelling words I ever encountered today, I’m speaking about this component of your post …, what are some of the things to think about when it comes to meeting someone who lives hours (or a plane ride) this is it, you just crushed it down pal.
Terrific work! This is the type of information that should be shared around the web. Shame on the search engines for not positioning this post higher!
Nice site, nice and easy on the eyes and great content too.
I really love this article! One time, I traveled to Dallas from Ohio. This was the furthest I had ever traveled to meet some guy. He paid for my flight and I paid for my hotel room. It was great, but once we met in real life, there was no chemistry on either side. However, we really connected on a business level as he owned his own business. We talked business non stop! It felt as if I had gone on a business trip more than anything else. Needless to say, I did a thorough background check on the guy before I even let him pay for my flight. I met his son and ex wife too. We really did have a great time as friends and to this day we are still friends!
I live in Cali. He is Swiss. We met online, on a random game. 5 months of daily chatting, then phone calls. We decided to meet in Venice… It was the most romantic vacation ever 🙂 we are very much in love and are making plans for the future… I never thought this could happen to me. I’m flying to his home next week to meet his friends and family 🙂 we both feel blessed to have found each other.