Meeting Organically or Meeting Online
Do you like meeting organically or what about online? This past Sunday night, while talking on the phone with a matchmaking service, getting ready to enter a speed dating event, and checking my emails from Match.com I realized I’ve not met anyone of interest organically.
What do I mean by that?
What I mean is, I’ve not met anyone new out in public and approached them with the intent of going out on the date.
So why is that? Well, there are a couple of reasons.
First and foremost, I’ve found internet dating as a fantastic way to screen out potential partners based on a series of compatibility questions I have for a potential life partner. For example: our views on religion, children, economics, social activities, hobbies and just an overall sense of who they are based on the written profile. In addition, online introductions, whether a dating site or even facebook, allow you to connect with a wider variety of people which creates greater opportunity than the random bumping into someone at the coffee shop.
So let’s examine this further, for years meeting your potential mate at work was the number one locale for those of us in the over 40 crowd. Here’s the thing, I work from home, and the chances of meeting single, available women “in” my apartment on the beach are kinda nil.
Another way to meet a potential life partner could be getting fixed up by friends, GOD forbid family (my dad tried that today and trust me, NO WAY) or even a matchmaking service. I’ve been fixed up by friends before, and I think my girlfriends have no clue what I am looking for (even after hours of conversations) and I have learned the hard way that’s not for me. Matchmaking services have potential in my book and in fact my first love after my divorce was a matchmaking introduction. While in the long run she was not the one for me, the fix up was a great match nonetheless. I think I might try a matchmaker again.
Now what about out in public, ok great! You see someone you’re attracted to and you hope they feel the same. After getting up the nerve to walk up to a total stranger and say “hi” are you single, spiritual but not religious, non smoker, don’t want any children, live within 40 miles of my home (hey they could be from another state), like going to dive bars, not into camping, had your fill of skiing and snowboarding, ok that I have two small children and I’m not in a position to take care of you financially because of alimony & child support… wanna go out on a date? WOW that was a mouthful, how do you think that went over? LOL
What I personally like about online dating is that many of my questions about whether we are a fit get answered before ever meeting. Now I realize we can’t learn everything about a person before we meet and certainly chemistry usually is experienced in person, but for me, I like the pre date before the real date. But hey, being over 40, single, and looking to fall in love, I’m open to all possibilities of where I will meet her and if it happens in person or online, I’ll be stoked. Will keep ya posted.
Personally, I like the one on one connection amd meeting in person. I think internet is a barrier. Why screen people? Be out there and be proud doing it. No one is exactly perfect for us. But, sometimes the spark of someone unexpected who we never would have chosen or screen can be what we most desire. But, may not have known if it wasn’t for a chance meeting. Romantic as it sounds, I won’t settle;-)
Love the blog post Jonny! 100% agree with… “Being over 40 single and looking to fall in love, I am open to all possibilities of where I will meet her and yes, it happens when you least expect it.”
You are so passionate about your expertise. I have seen you personally evolve since our first meeting in March, which has transformed into a fun, caring friendship. So proud of you my friend! Dating and finding THE ONE you love so much it hurts is very complicated today. Yes, I use online dating often and it works as you pointed out, but I have given it up to the Universe to show me the way. Hence, it happens when you least expect it!
Big hug!
Marla
I think using the internet dating sites just increases your visibility where as many of us these days are busy with work, life and other commitments. Once you graduate from school there just aren’t as many ways to meet a potential mate. Unless you are into the bar scene or travel frequently on planes. =-)
Truth is it doesn’t matter WHERE you meet someone but if you aren’t putting yourself out there organically then a dating service can help stimulate opportunities.
Great post — love your spoof about pre-qualifying organically vs online! Very funny. It really is a lot easier, less awkward and more efficient to “shop” for a match online. The key is to learn how to stir up interest before meeting an online date … so that the experience is more exciting & fun and less like a job interview. I’m so glad that I am in your angel group, because this has been a topic of your discussions lately – and it is great to have the inside scoop on that piece of the puzzle. But, no matter how you meet, you still need to move forward from there to develop a relationship. That is the real test – and why understanding the male perspective is so invaluable! Thanks, Jonathon.
Jonathon,
As another of your Angels, I couldn’t agree more. On-line dating is amazingly useful and helpful. It allows people the space to freely express their basic values, what is important to them in relationship as well as for what they are looking in a partner. It would take ages, at least a handful of dates, and a lot of time to figure out what we know by going to dating sites.
On the other hand, I’ve come to realize there are a few types of online daters: the ones who are just gawking, those who engage, but only in cyberspace and finally, the minority, those who are truly interested in exploring the possibility of dating.
Since I’ve had the great fortune of finding you Jonathon, I’ve become sooooo much clearer and able to focus on what I REALLY want instead of settling. Even my teenage sons have noticed. They think you are the greatest and are always asking me, “What do you think Jonathon would say about….”
RING, RING Gotta run, ; )
LOL, I guess I’ll take this as a tongue in cheek essay :). What is clear is it’s not a perfect world! I’ve done a lot of internet dating and have met plenty of people ‘organically’ as you say Jonathan.
Overall, I think meeting in person is preferable. It’s less ‘clinical’ and I think a man (and woman for that matter) stands a much better chance of showing herself as a whole person, not a bunch of words on a profile (most of which are what people WANT to be, not how they are in real life :). The first step in courtship is physical attraction and testing the man and cheerleading the man. The second is friendship. Internet dating attempts to put the second step before the first, it’s not in order.
Not saying internet dating isn’t good, it is what it is. It gives us the chance to meet people we would normally not meet.
Now, ‘organically’, I would strongly argue there are WAY more places to meet people than bars and relatives/friends. I belong to meetup groups and have met people in or through those groups–I would highly recommend these types of groups and you can do just about anything in regard to your interest, or try new things, expand your horizons! I love sports, so I’ve met people when I am out watching a game. I met a man once at the airport (funny how someone mentioned that! I’ve been thinking about that scenario, it was SUPER romantic and feminizing, textbook.) There’s classes one could take, dancing is a great way to get out there an interact with men/women in a low pressure atomosphere–like cajun/zydego or swing, something like that (ballroom might be for older folks).
I also think it’s better to just go out and talk to anyone at any time, strike up a conversation or make a light hearted comment. Who cares if they are attached or married–it’s just a conversation and brief connection between two humans. I feel like a healthy curiosity about people goes a long way – they see you (the generic ‘you’) as a friendly person, approachable, interesting and interested. This is opposed to approaching every situation as a romantic one with a lot to gain or lose–lots of pressure.
Just my two cents!
Hi Jonathon, Intersting and open blog with some great input from others.
I have tried both. I agree it is difficult to meet people when you work from home and also have children. My day is blessed, but after work, my place is with my 3-year old and taking care of the household…
As I live in a rural area, there isn’t the hub of the city spots that I’d like to hang out at, museums, events, philenthropic fundraisers and things of that nature that would put me in the pool with others swimming in the same direction.
Hense I have dabbled in online dating and find 95% of the time that there is absolutely no physical attraction at all. It’s akward to find polite ways of saying “no” thanks.
I have compiled a list of online dating tips to help me when I do feel up to seeing what’s out there:
1. One: Establish that the first meeting is not a date. We’ll go dutch and only meet for 30 minutes (unless you feel it’s going great…then all bets are off). Make it for a coffee or drink…perferably early in the day or late afternoon. It takes that whole “night” date feeling off the plate.
2. I always have two to three phone conversations before meeting.
3. I always google them to make sure they are who they say they are.
4. I am always vague about where I live, what I do and never answer the income question…nor should men. I’ve heard horror stories.
5. I establish that at the first “meeting” we never talk about a “second” meeting or “the first date”. This removes all the akwardness of having to say no thanks. We agree to just go think about it. And I let them know I will follow up with them if I decide this could be a good match. If I’m not interest don’t get back to them, if they email, I can send a nice no thank you. It seems to be an easier let down. So there is no weirdness. And it’s easy.
6. I always make the first meeting 30 minutes agreed so that no one has to endure a long dinner with someone they already know is not in their future plans.
7. Importantly, I never ever communicate with anyone online that doesn’t spark my interest right away. I have found that many men take the getting-to-know you email process as an important sign of serious interest. And I’ve had some pretty nasty responses when after two or three emails, or a phone call, I say “no thank you.”
8. If someone asks to talk on the phone or meet, whom I am not DAZZLED with, I never say “maybe”, “let me look at my calendar” or I’ll get back to you…unless I am SERIOUS about meeting them. This also elicits a negative reaction. Just say no right out of the gate.
9. I also ask if their picture is recent. This is key with the physical attraction issue, as many times people will put up a photo of themselves when they looked their best, and not a real representation of how they appear today.
I could go on and on, but I thought I’d share these tips that have really worked for me to simplify the online process.
At the end of the day, if you are seriously looking for “love” you do need to put yourself in as many positive situations as possible in order to have opportunities. Let’s face it, we’re not going to find Mr. Right or Ms. Right crouching in the corner by our shoes. However, I believe after that, if it’s meant to happen it will. And I’ve also found that when you’re least expecting it, someone of interest will show up when the time is right.
Hope you find some value in this and it helps simplify the online process!
Cheers,
Kathleen
Valuable info. Lucky me I found your site by accident, I bookmarked it.
Hi Kathleen,
Thank you so much for your post, I must have missed it. Your comments dead on…
Hope to chat soon.
smiles
Your dad is right, Jonathon,.
Kathleen, I follow most of your online dating tips. As a single parent, I have no time to waste on someone who doesn’t really strike my interest. I’ve tried it, as friends have said I should at least give some of those 95% who I find not attractive a chance, and it’s no surprise that I felt no attraction.
I have tried dating online in both a fairly sparsely populated rural area and an urban area with plenty of activities. Babysitters are expensive and as I’ve lived in my current city for one year, I have no support system of family or friends offering free child care. How am I to meet and get to know someone if I’m limited to going out once or twice a month? My work schedule is tight due to child care, so a 30-minute lunch offers little time for trying to develop a connection. I’m feeling like my own life outside of work and mothering must be put on hold until my children can be left alone, at which point, I wouldn’t want to leave them alone, for fear that they might be getting in trouble!
I know this post might sound self-defeating; however, I’ve been dating over a 3-year period. I met one great guy online, we dated for a few months, he was transferred out of town for work, we kept in touch every few weeks to a month for over a year, I tried to find work out of town (I was unemployed at the time), I finally found a good job near him, and he had started seeing someone else. Prior to my move, I started dating someone else who also was transferred a few months later to the same city I moved to three months after him. I guess that was too long for him to wait, he, and the first man I mentioned, declared exclusivity with single, childless women by the time I moved to the same city.
Is this how it should be, anyway? My focus should be on home and children until they are at least teenagers, though I also must work full-time? If there are other mothers in this type of situation, what are you doing? Thank you for any feedback.
I have been thinking lately of “Organic Dating”
Telling the general public (Craigslist) that you will be in this public space.
(park, mall, zoo, city/county/street festival,art fair,concert,etc,etc)
Don’t describe anything about you.
(How you look, what you are wearing, who you would be with, or where you will be physically in that public space)
State simply that you would start a conversation with them. Come up with a phrase you would ask them in their conversation if you think you are both hitting it off and want to continue with conversation.
“Today is a good day for________” .
It’s a very common statement anyone would say. ?
The response to it could be “Tomorrow is a good day for________”
If the response is different then politely thank them for the conversation and leave an open invitation to talk latter if they choose and then move on.
So, is this crazy or do I need to go to sleep. I hate waking up in their middle of ?the night.:-) 🙂 🙂