Have you ever heard a man who say: “when I meet her I will know?
He might never says this on a date, but he might be one of those romantic types who feels if cupids arrow hits, everything will shift.
These guys are often in love with the idea with being in love (women do this too).
If he is emotionally available and he clearly know what he wants in a relationship, when he meets that special woman who vibrates at the same level that he does, you might be with a keeper.
However, if he is not ready for a truly committed relationship then he might always be looking for the bigger better deal (I call it the BBD). Men who are not ready for a serious relationship are often in search for the BBD and they love the candy store environment of dating.
How do you tell if he is candy shopping or really hoping for cupid to shoot him in the butt?
Have you ever experienced this man?
When they know that a woman is not the one, why do men continue to take “free samples”? I have a moral problem with that and it isn’t only men who string someone along. If a person (male or female) is not genuinely in the process of discovering / weighing if another may be “the one”, or has already decided that he / she is not, then that person should move on and not use the other till the “bigger, better deal” comes through.
Really, if people had better intentions all around, we could have more trust and relationships would be easier and less potentially painful.
What does it say about a person’s character if he / she engages in shallow behaviour, ie. candy shopping? Maybe Cupid should knock some people ‘upside the head”.
Hi Teresa,
Great question….. sharing a personal experience, I dated someone for a few months and I think from the very start I knew she wasn’t the one…. yet we kept dating. There were many aspects of her that I enjoyed and I kept trying to fit a square peg in a round hole. When I reached a point about 3 months in and knew it for certain I felt it was time to move on.
Sometimes we just don’t know until we take the journey
Does that help?
The first few months are like being newly pregnant. You’re excited but try not to be too hopeful or invest too much because you don’t know if it’s going to “stick”.
It helps to hear that there were qualities about the woman that made you want to further explore. I’m sure you are aware that we women can analyze what went wrong or even worse, what is wrong with us when a relationship ends. Maybe I should see that my good qualities are noted but a certain man may not be ready or a match.
Thanks Jonathon.
Teresa
Teresa,Sometimes the good qualities we see in our self through others, there are also times when we see something we don’t like about our self in another… that could be a reason to bolt. Until we work through our stuff finding a mirror could come with the good the bad and the ugly.
Boy, did that last one have some undesirable qualities – LOL! Never really saw myself as a narcissist till that one. So, is it just me or do all women use anger to deflect the mirror image?
When we find someone who mirrors the stuff in us we don’t like, it can activate us in many ways…. anger being one of them. For each person it is different and it’s a great opportunity to say “WOW, that’s interesting what can I learn and how can I grow”
We work through more emotional stuff in relationship than by our self; therefore, our relationships are a great opportunity to GROW.
Four months ago I broke up with a guy I’d been dating for almost 3 years. We are both succesful, mid 30’s, no kids and never married. We had an amazing relationship always laughing, tons of fun when we were together and we could be ourselves. He always called me “amazing”, when he wasn’t working he’d always want to spend his weekends with me, he always planned trips for us.
I then wanted more of a commitment and he told me that he was afraid and didn’t know if I was the “right one”. I gave him another 8 months he continued to say he didn’t know if I was the right one. I then gave him 6 months he told me his career was in jeopardy and he had “hang ups” fear of if he was doing the right thing with us. I then left him for good.
since that time he has contacted me regularly. in the beginning of the break up when he initiated communication I’d respond but then I stopped responding. He called a few weeks ago asking to see me and why haven’t I been responding to him. I told him that I deserved more in a relationship and I couldn’t make myself availble to someone who wanted to spend time with me with nothing more. It felt like a “fwb” relationship. I told him to not communicate with me anymore until he figured things out. He said he needed to think about things. I haven’t heard from him.
I am dating other men now and if feels good not to be with someone who is confused. I still miss him but it’s so much more out there to experience than someone who drags their feet and waiting for a sign.
He is a huge romantic and I believe he was waiting for cupid to shoot him in the butt. I say this because he would say “I need a sign that would let me know that your the right one”.
Leslie, I often say men fall in love when they are “away” from you … not when they are with you.
Men who have a relationship vision (along with a strong life path) are the ones who are commitment ready.
Just know this, men need to feel that the long term commitment is their idea, he might have felt pressured when you wanted more.
May I ask, what more of a commitment did you want then what you relationship was at that time?
Good question Jonathon.
I wanted to feel more in his life. Even though we were seeing each other and it seemed great before we broke up. We had an amazing emotional connection during the first 10 months. He initated the I love you’s, lets move in together, I want us to be engaged marriage talk. I was reluctant because of fear. Once I reciprocated he got weird and completely backed up. saying things were going to fast and this was unchartered water for him.
I then broke up with him for a couple of months to give him time to figure things out. Once we got back together it was awkward. i was distant because I needed to protect my feelings then there were no more talks about our future by him, no more I love you’s; nothing. He even began to say that he was emotionally unavailable.
I then stopped focusing on us and more on just being me and having fun. Once I did that things got to how they were in the beginning of the relationship with him initating everything. I hadn’t initaited a call or communication in months because he was always the first to communicate without me even thinking about where was or how he was doing.
There was 1 problem….he stopped saying I love you and no more talks about our future anymore.
After 6 months of seeing each other I noticed he still wasn’t saying I love you or having the future talks. It was more like he wanted to be around me, give me gifts, want to travel with me but not have that intense emotional connection that we shared in the beginnning. So I gave myself my own ulitmatum and I left him for good. I let him know that I wasn’t trying to pressure him in any way. I really wasn’t trying to pressure him I just realized that I’m tired of his confusion, overthinking and fears.
Hi Jonathon,
Great article “the Awakened Man and His Hero’s Journey”. It certainly hit home.
Thanks
“How do you tell if he is candy shopping or really hoping for cupid to shoot him in the butt?”
YOU are the dating “expert”. We’re paying YOU to answer these kinds of questions.
Im
This post was meant to start a discussion hence the question at the end.
While in the early stages of dating (meaning the first few dates) it’s very hard to tell the difference between candy shopping & men who are smitten if they both come on strong.
Usually men who are serious about relationship tend to be men of action and not just words. They call when they say they do, they schedule dates in advance, they are respectful and kind, and treat you like a friend.
What has your experience been?
What if they do all those things and then suddenly pull back when you seem to get closer and get to a point of possible exclusivity? Did they just get cold feet?