When it comes to understanding men, it might not be a bad idea to put yourself into his shoes. Ask yourself, what do men fear most. Some might say “the unknown,” “losing their money,” “never being in love,” or “not being in control of their lives.” While these might top the list, there are a few fears which could go much deeper, mostly unconscious, and more secret that most guys just won’t admit out loud they have or have had.
If you had to guess, what are the 3 greatest fears most men experience? How would these fears affect you in relationship and how would you respond?
WOW Jonathon,
As usual, you pose such excellent questions and, for me, SOOOO timely!! If I had to take a stab at it, I’d guess the following:
1 – Abandonment – Worried that some other guy will ‘step in’ and just wisk us away.
2 – Not being good enough – That they will somehow not be able to live up to our standards or even their own.
3 – An off shoot of the above, no pun intended, is not being “good enough” in bed! I think men worry about this and have a LOT of fear around it!!
Thanks for asking, food for thought!
Hi Jonathon,
I second what Gina said and add the following observations.
I think that men place a lot of ego on their hairline, penis size, and bank account.
So the areas that arouse men’s anxiety are…
going bald
small penis
not good in bed
not making enough money
Good question!
Being emasculated, getting invalidated, having his heart broken.
If you are dating or in a relationship with a man who shuts down or pushes away, how would you respond differently if you recognized that his actions and reactions from HIS fear and not about you?
Very clear, LEAN IN, get curious, and hold space for them to explore what is going on for them. IMHO, the most difficult part is that if they are the type to shut down and push away are NOT the type to want to explore. Then what????
Men have the same fears that women had, it is just more difficult for them to accept them or perhaps recognized them.
Fear to not being accepted, fear of being alone, fear of getting old and alone, fear of not being loved, fear of being judged….
You would be in your feminine, stepping back not leaning in and give him the space needed to bring himself back. You wouldn’t change your vibe to needy, thus making it about you and your insecurities (go and do things that keep you in your zone). Meaning you wouldn’t become aloof, angry or depressed this would only heighten his fear and add to it making it impossible for him to connect with you. This way he feels safe when he either resolves the issue on his own or brings it to you for help.
Gina, Samantha, Laura and Wanda…. thank you so much for jumping in.
While men and women can share many of the same fears…. I think men and women have unique fears based on gender.
Being aware of our partners fears can go a long way in navigating day to day relationship struggles and helping create the most positive and happy love.
Cory,
When I say lean in, I mean be OPEN. Now, if that isn’t feminine???? ; )
I would agree, being open is more feminine.
My apologies on the wording – didn’t mean to offend 🙂
I give him his space to do what he needs to do. I know he needs to take care of his business, if he needs my help, he’ll call me. If I don’t hear from him in a reasonable amount of time, say 2 weeks, I’ll bake one of his favorite treats and drop in on him and tell him what beautiful work he does and what a wonderful job he’s doing.
I love the way he glows and his eyes twinkle as he stuffs raspberry tarts in his mouth, brushes the crumbs away, gives me his best smile and says, “thank you.” We will chat for a few minutes and make a date for when that particular phase of the project is finished. A nice hug and kiss and I go away.
His is right, he gets so much more done when I am not being such a big distraction!
I think one of the biggest fears my guy has is “leftovers” from one of his prior relationships such as is it going to turn out the same way. Sigh. I guess it just takes time.
Laura S: I don’t see 2 weeks as being a reasonable amount of time. If it were me, I would not be baking treats and bringing it to him if I hadn’t heard from him in that amount of time.
I’m with Carrie on the two weeks.
Laura, if you are in a relationship and you don’t hear from him for two weeks, I think something is off.
Can you share why YOU think he might need that much space?
Any guy I was IN a relationship with and didn’t hear from for 2 weeks would not be a guy with whom I would be in a relationship!!
Cory, No offense, just clarifying.
So, this guy is acting out of a past fear which has ZERO to do with me but is acting towards me as if I were his past??
I would try to point out, gently and with kindness that he was projecting and if he were out, I’d ask him to look at what is under his fear. I could imagine a few of the potential answers but I’m going to leave it for now. Any guesses?? ; ) LOL, guess what, any answer I give would probably be my own projection!!!
Trust…some men I have dated I feel fear not being trusted and supported. We women can have some serious baggage. We fear being left therefore we create more fear and distrust against the man and dang if that doesnt start the drama.
The guy I am dating shuts down a lot. His job hours have been cut and out of 4 kids him being the youngest with out kids he has taken on the role as care giver to his elderly parents. He shuts down. When I see that I tell him how much I admire what he does with his parents and remind him that work will pick up. And just let him he treats me well. I remember the first time I said this to him we were watching football. I didnt know if he heard me or not but a few days later he talked about how frustrating it was for him at time to care for his parents. And now he is more open and comes to me and he has my support …he trusts I wont judge and he trusts I support him.
Charlotte,
He should be very blessed to have you in his corner and in his life. You are such a giver and supporter.
YOU Rock!
testing one two three
Testing one more time
I believe men are afraid not to be accepted as they are,with all their fears,emotions ,longings…..
I feel when you do accept and understand you often get the most beutiful response.
Merial,
You are so right, when a man can be accepted/loved even in his darkest hour, the real man shows up with a beautiful response.
I think that men also fear loosing themselves in a relationship … loosing their freedom, identity, “alone time”, that sort of thing … which I think ties in with Merial’s thoughts on the need to accept a man for who he is, right now … which is how I would like to be accepted as his woman!
Thank you Suzi, YOU make a great point about being accepted
Would you agree the whole point of being in relationship is feeling safe enough to be accepted? To be your true self
It all begins with trust and trust takes time…. sharing your fears without judgment and feeling accepted is a great start.
Considering my BF owns 3 businesses he runs himself and is building a beautiful home by himself, and it is all weather dependent, I definitely give him room to work and think through his plans. He is working sun up through sun down right now and ends his days exhausted. When winter sets in, we will have plenty of together time focusing on each other, free of outside distractions and things that need to be done immediately. We have quality time.
Meanwhile, I keep myself busy with things I need to do, want to do and I enjoy doing. I can have fun with or without him. The salmon are running, I’m fishing and he’s not! I could go see him more often than 2 weeks, but I am wowed over how much he accomplishes when I don’t break his stride. When we do see each other again and have the time set aside, it is so very nice!
I know if and when I don’t like the way things are between us, I can walk. I love the man, but I’m not stuck and I don’t pine for him.
I remember when the guy I am dating use to think I I would think a**hole about him. I would suggest doing something and sometimes he wouldnt be able to. Though I was disapointed, not mad or upset, he would say ” Now you are thinking Im an a**hole” I would look at him and just be dumbfounded at let him know that I dont think that of him but joking around I would say “I will let you know when I do cause I will let you know” men can have just as much baggage as we do and can fear judgement as much as we do.
Laura S.,
I am the same way! Love having someone in my life but not needing them is the most fantastic feeling. Good for you on this.
Men, like us; fear the unknown, rejection, intimacy and themselves. To give so much willingly to one person is terrifying yet beyond rewarding when you find the right person.
As far as my experience goes, what men fear most is being judged, being changed, losing themselves and their freedom. They love to be bound to us by their own will, but they get scared when we try to bind them.
I’m loving these responses…..thank you so much for this discussion
Would love your feedback for out next BOLD topic about Men & Relationships
Any suggestions?
How long should it take for a quy to introduce you to his children(daughter in my case)?
I have been dating thus guy for 14 months, his daughter lives w/him, for some reason he’s not ready to introduce us. She’s 17 and he says she gets attached very easy.
Would like to know if you and others think this is appropriate.
Thanks, Cindy
Cindy…..his kid his choice. Your choice to stay or not. Girls can be protective of thier dads and me guess he doesnt want the drama…as a mom I wouldnt want it. it simple for him to keep it that way simple. 17s not easy to begin with…..
Jonathan, I would love to see a topic regarding how men open up in communication or how to get them to open up, ie, true intimacy.
Cindy – On one had I agree with Charlotte that it is his kid therefore his choice. But on the other hand, if you have been together 14 months and he hasn’t introduced you yet, something tells me that he is unsure about something therefore he doesn’t want to get his daughter attached if there is uncertaintly. How is your relationship? Are you just dating or in a committed relationship?
fear of “messing up the relationship” – ( yes the one they are no yet in ! )
Carrie,
Communication, I hear that a lot.
For example…”Communication? What communication? Men don’t communicate!”
This is quite untrue. Men communicate just as much as women. The difference is that when men have nothing to say, they stop talking.
Also, if it is important, make sure to tell your man at least three times. The first time, he didn’t quite catch what you said, but doesn’t want to look like a fool by asking you to repeat yourself. The second time, he thought you were joking. He’ll catch it the third time.
It’s been my observation that women build intimacy in a relationship by talking about things. Mostly, they talk about the intimacy in the relationship. Since your man doesn’t want to participate in these discussions, you no doubt fear that he doesn’t want more intimacy or perhaps doesn’t even want the relationship.
This is not the case.
Men don’t see relationships as something one talks about, but rather as something one does. By simply doing things with you or even just being in the same general vicinity as you, your man is building on your relationship.
He’d be quite happy spending the entire day working with you on the yard or some other project without the two of you saying as much as three words to each other.
He’ll come away with a renewed sense of intimacy and confidence in the relationship, happy that you two have shown once again that you can work as a seamless team.
Jonathan, what about in times of disagreement. Will men open up and say what is bothering them? Or do they feel like they just want to call the whole thing off?