My thoughts lately have been floating around this….
When it comes to creating a successful relationship, a true partnership leading to long term commitment are the majority of men just lost?
Let’s look at two factors
First men as providers and protectors, in the United States women outnumber men in the work force and in recent years, over 8 million men have lost their jobs which have led to a HIGH depression rate amongst men.
The second one is that we have fewer life skills and are walking around with our childhood wounds clearly in full bloom.
So is it any wonder men are lost these days?
If a man (or woman) wants companionship and sex, yet lacks the skills or experience to create a successful partnership…. does that make him a bad guy?
Just because a man may not have the courage to overcome his fears in the moment, doesn’t mean he is emotionally unavailable?
Let’s take a step backward…
Prior to the 60’s the relationship vision for men was marriage.
Clear cut, marriage was how we achieved companionship and sex.
Given the divorce rate and so many unhappy marriages, the landscape for long term relationships have changed.
Men & Women both crave attention, affection, companionship and sex
Men want love just as much as women
S0, how do we achieve that without the stress of the relationship destination getting in the way?
You make a very good point. In the past 10 years, I have been seriously involved with three men and every one of them is unemployed. They are all three smart and capable (although one doesn’t play well with others. That explains why we are not still together AND why he is unemployed…) I am very fearful that my present relationship is threatened by him being out of work. This isn’t something I can fix. I feel as helpless as he does.
I get that men are walking around with their childhood wounds, who isn’t, but I have found from dating ( mostly divorced men ) that they have the atitude ” I’ll never do that again” regarding getting remarried. They seem to judge their present and future from their past experiences, so If a failed marriage is there, they seem to think this will repeat. How can a women compete with that, she can’t.
I agree Lisa,
I cannot count how many times in a year I had to say that I am not her or them nor how many times I said how it made me feel uncomfortable to be so labled. Then the worst part is when you do actually make a mistake and it’s thrown at you that you are just like the rest of them. I do not want to be negative about this and I do realize that not all men are this way, yet they are out there.
I guess this is when we look for that Hero that has grown from his past experiences and is looking for his Queen. It’s easier to stay in the negative; I know this, but I want to believe that there are honest to goodness loving and exceptional men out there just waiting to be discovered.
Jonathon, you seem to be suggesting that we women lower our standards and walk on eggshells around men. I am not prepared to do that. I have a relationship destination in mind and don’t want to just “see where it goes”. I can’t be vulnerable around a man that isn’t making an emotional investment in the relationship. He can’t cop out and say he’s wounded or afraid of the economy or possible divorce.
You’ve spoken about a man being “steadfast and resolute”. Well, to me this means he rises above his fears and gives a relationship his best shot.
Personally, and this is harsh, I think that many men are making excuses so that they can engage on a shallow level with women. Yes, the landscape has changed, but a determined man will find his way. The ones who are “lost” are simply aimless.
So true! Thanks also are cognitively aware that chemistry is powerful and know whether they want to be monogamous before they enter into a relationship unless they fall in love and articulate it and show it. The others are just wanting to fulfill their lustily pleasures and enjoy playing the field. It’s when they read or profile online and it’s very clear who and what we want that they pursue us fervently knowing they have no intentions and fb being monogamous. That infuriates me to no end! Ultimately, we need to be vigilant and listen to those gut feelings and intuition if warning signs Jonathon names. The man I’d been with the past year was very intelligent, affluent and knew what he was doing all along but just lied about it until I finally confronted him and broke up with him. My fault was allowing the chemistry to ignore the danger signs.
mens emotional investment is to provide and protect. I feel we have become a society where men cant be men unless they change to become more like women and more understaning about a womans needs yet some how in all that woman wont understand what a mans needs are because they arent the same. Men NEED to feel as they are protectors and providers and be told some how that he doing great. So how do we, in my current situation, let a man know that he is this when his jod is now gone not to his own doing but they closed thier doors do to the fact they could not recover from the economy blip.
If we don’t want to be labeled or lumped as just like her or them, then we need to learn from our past relationship mistakes, change, and not behave in those ways. We can surprise him completely with something different he’s never seen before.
Men are slow, much slower than us women when it comes to real relationships. We need to give them the space to retreat into their heads and hearts to examine how they want to tread with us, to examine their own past relationship mistakes and find ways to correct them. They will want to test us for hot buttons to see if monkeys fly out our butts as in past relationships. Eventually, they will learn to trust and open up emotionally without going into hiding afterward. First trusting us with a little, then reaching into true emotional intimacy when they feel truly safe. We need to give up our timeline for theirs and let them take their Hero’s Journey while letting them touch base with us, if he really is the man for us.
Prior to the 60s and the sexual revolution, relationships were based on communication and connection. If couples had sex, they got married rather quickly. Now people have sex quickly, base relationships on chemistry of pheremones and never learn to communicate. No wonder the marriage falure rate is so high! Even expecting a baby is no reason to get married anymore. We’ve cheapened the definition of relationship in our society.
When will there NOT be challenges?
There will always be changes in the society,in the world,in our lives.There has always been.
I think if you want something you will be willing to work for it.Even in the most hopeless situations.If you want something truly,you will find ways.
There is help if you have problems.Love or the yearning for it will make you do things you thought you couldnt.
I think you can feel when someones fears are in the way,but also when it is worth waiting for someone to master them.
I dont like to feel sorry for men.I can understand,but I dont want to feel sorry for them because of the situation.
The comments made already say it all in 2011,with the exception of one – why not teach, coach and support the ment hrough sites and discussions like this to recognize good healthy partnerships and love when it comes along so that they can take action -long overdue !