How can you tell when a guy is ready for a committed relationship?
It’s the million dollar question if a committed relationship is what you are after.
Before I get into the meat of this topic, let’s first take a look at how most dating scenarios work out these days.
Say you meet someone from an online dating website, and your initial reaction is that you find each other mutually attractive; in fact, there is a tremendous amount of chemistry between you.
What often happens is the chemistry and sexual drive take over and you end up becoming intimate fairly quickly.
Now, if the sex and the intimacy are satisfying (better yet, off the charts), it may feel like love, and you may even believe that he wants a relationship with you.
But here is the scary part: Say he doesn’t call you after this amazing night of hot, fiery and passionate sex–what does it mean when he doesn’t call?
Does that mean he’s not interested?
Is he playing hard to get?
Is he playing games?
Or say you’ve been dating for a few weeks and are intimate rather often, but then he suddenly pulls back and says he’s not ready for a relationship–what does that mean?
Does that mean he’s seeing someone else?
Did you do something wrong?
Was it something you said?
You really want to know what all that means?
I’ll tell you what that means–NOTHING.
It means absolutely NOTHING.
How can you really expect any man to know that you are The One from a single encounter or a few awesome dates?
Let’s face it, ladies, there are way too many books about men and commitment to count, so you already know going into a date that men enjoy sex, variety, and freedom.
Why do you seem so surprised that he disappears on you without so much as a trace once he has had sex with you?
Come on, ladies! Own this BEFORE the date.
So how do you know when a guy is really ready for a committed relationship?
What signs can you look for as positive indicators?
It all starts with the 3 C’s: Communication, Character and Chase
Before I share with you the 3 C’s, let’s quickly establish that there is mutual attraction involved and the best way to determine attraction is through intimacy.
After all, the way a man kisses you or holds you can serve as a pretty good indicator of the way he might make love to you.
When it comes to chemistry, it’s all about the kissing.
If kissing your new guy is just totally hot or off the charts, this should be a good sign that the sexual chemistry will also be the same.
But let me point out, there are some cases when the sex might be flat but if the kissing is intense, so too should the sex.
Ok, so now we know there is chemistry and the sex could be good, but if you really want to determine whether or not he is worthy to take the chances of a potential relationship, then follow my 3 C’s:
Communication
This can take on many different forms via text, email, phone or in-person.
Does he communicate his feelings with emotions, or do his words reflect primarily logic and facts?
For example, is he more likely to say something like:
“I’ve been learning so much about myself these past few years of dating, and I feel as though my heart wants to make a commitment to one special person.”
or something like:
“Wow! We have so much chemistry between us, let’s have (more) sex!” It says more about a man who shares his feelings than a man who just wants to share orgasms.
Women seem to have a tendency to hear what they want to hear as opposed to what is actually being said to them, which is why communication is so important–it is essentially an opportunity to be present and to listen for signs that there is real interaction and that he is genuinely interested in you for more than just the sex.
You need to become a master at listening and determining the real person from his rhetoric.
Character
A man without integrity is a man not worth investing your time.
A man without character will let you down so many times that the pain to recover from this relationship may take a lifetime to repair.
Many men reveal in their dysfunction, sometimes known as the Bad Boy Syndrome, that while their charisma may seem charming; it is actually a disguise to lure you in the hopes that you might be the one to fix him.
Nine out of 10 times, the man who lacks character becomes the one who hurts you the most.
Some simple signs to watch out for in the beginning:
Does he call when he says he will?
Does he cancel plans at the last minute?
Does he only want to talk on his time and not yours?
Does his life seem flaky?
Does he complain about everything?
Does it seem like it is more about him than it is you?
While these might seem simple and obvious, how he shows up in the beginning of a relationship might be a reflection of his true character.
Chase
So far we’ve talked about communication and character, but what about the chase?
Men are competitive creatures by nature, so they love a good challenge.
That’s why the chase is such an integral part of the dating process.
If a man isn’t chasing you in the slightest bit, then he will most likely NOT go the distance when it comes to down to commitment.
Now before I get deeper into the topic of the chase, be prepared because this is going to be all about YOU.
I know this sucks because you don’t want to play games or do any work, but here is the deal: finding the man who is ready for a real, committed relationship starts with YOU, and the sooner you understand this, the better off you’ll be.
The CHASE is the KEY, and a man who doesn’t chase you will not be ready for a true, committed relationship with you.
Now let me be clear about the chase–it’s not the chase for sex.
I am talking about the chase for your HEART and whether or not he is even worthy of earning your heart.
A man who is ready for a relationship is not in the chase for the sex–he’s in it for your heart.
He’s ready to make the deposits of trust that will allow you to open your heart to a deeper meaning of love.
The chase is more about you slowing down the dating process because men can be in such a hurry for the sex that it might appear as if they want a relationship.
The chase is the courtship. It’s showing up worthy to earn your love, and taking it slow from your perspective, which is kind of like playing hard to get but without the guards surrounding your heart.
What are some you ways you can slow things down a bit?
When he texts, take your time to respond (now I’m not talking about all day, just a few hours unless there is an exchange of facts).
Next, don’t always be so available. Men are attracted to women who have a life, and the girl who drops everything at the drop of a dime might be considered to be too easy.
Another thing that really works is to communicate less than he does, which may be hard because women have a habit of talking more than men since they usually include all their feelings in the conversation.
When a man is ready for a commitment, he will start to open up to you about his true feelings by talking to you more and being fully present in the relationship in the sense that his actions and behaviors match up with what he says and communicates.
And if you want to keep him interested and continue on with the relationship on your terms, then it’s up to YOU to give him a little chase and make him work for your heart.
My heart is worth the chase 🙂
If you think you’re worth the chase too, then stop going to them and let them come to you!
But it can definitely be difficult at times when you live in such a fast-paced society.
Thank you SEO, in my book I talk about the LOVE PIE, never give more pie than what he gives to YOU.
Great post, Jonathan! I love the reminder to stop trying to interpret and read between the lines of everything a man says. I find that men easily bottom line their feelings in a few words and it’s usually exactly what they mean to say. That definitely makes it harder for women to talk less in the beginning!
It certainly is about the pie! Giving him his favorite raspberry pie, telling him how much I appreciate the things he does for me and seeing him light up like Christmas. The light embrace, the kiss on the cheek and speaking sofly into his ear, “You’re adorable.”
When I break free and walk away, it’s about the ponytail and high heeled Ruby Slippers. It still is an hour later when he walks in and I’m IGNORING him, standing there with my back to the door without a drink in my hand.
What chivalrous man can resist remedying this situation? He doesn’t like being ignored!
What great insight this is. I have a hard time letting the chase happen these last couple months as a mom of 5 I am use to dictating it all and with the holidays my scheduling and gatta be with her need to be here with them and the man will have to go here…… I slowed up, went out with friends instead of the man and it felt great to go out with friends. The man texts me over his frustration about his elderly parents and hoped I had a good weekend miss you miss you yadda yadda yadda. I let him know he was amazing at his ability to be there for his parents and just to breath and we had a great chit chat. I am going to continue to let him chase if it works out then whoop whooop if not then thats dating…
Great advice thank you !!!!
Its a great insight thank you. I have a male friend who we are on and off with the friendship. We talked about its time we get to know each other on a more personal level. But every time we get closer he seems to pull away from me. He told me he loves me I said I love him to. We talked about to meet for real this is a long distance rel/ship. We talked in an online community for years.
I feel like I have been “used” and spited out. How can I turn around the situation or just give up and move on. My heart is hurts and hard to move on.
When I am with him online I feel great he did text for a while but that stopped to. He said he does respect me but I dont see it this way. If you respect someone you dont course heart ache for them.I am confused sorry
How do u turn it around if you gave your heart after he made u feel it was safe.. And u thought he was serious as he said!! Now he is with another. I was the rebound, yea I know. Should have seen that coming, but I still care. Should have made the chase last longer.
I have purchased the book and read it…
At some part I was screaming inside and said F*^ck yours man, all of them.
Thank you Johnathan it really open my mind to understand man better.
Your book is a great advice/insight what is happening in a man mind and the types of man are out there.
From now on it will be ALL ABOUT ME not all about them. 🙂
Its a great book to re read again and again.
Thank you
Let him chase and also, watch him light up like a giant Christmas tree when he catches you. Guys love the chase and love it even more when they know, see, hear, feel that there really is nowhere you’d rather be than right there, with them!!! ; D Thanks Jonathon, you’ve taught me well and now, I’m reaping my rewards!
Never heard about the Love pie, and reading your blog I’m starting to despair a bit about men in general. It sounds like game playing, having an elaborate scheme to catch this poor dumb unsuspecting bloke just so he can get his rocks off and chase me?
Can’t he just go and shoot/kill something and put it on his wall and come back to me when he is done?
However in saying that, I love the chase as well, and sometimes I wish I had been born a bloke as it would have been easier not to be caught up in emotion/ emotional thinking all the time and just get on with the hunting…
If you want something, go and get it right? : D
Excellent Jonathon! I can see clearly now – the window is not so fogged up! And your comment “LOVE PIE, never give more pie than what he gives to YOU.” Wow, how many times does that happen? So many behaviors to be aware to win in this game of love.
My gosh, no wonder there are so many hurting hearts. Thanks for helping heal them xoxo
Jonathan
Honestly.
You are the best in this business man. The way you explain yourself in your articles appeals to me so much and is so much truth. I’m on this site to stay.
Tell me-are your books available in South Africa.
Regards.
I’m already in relationship wit him. I permitted the chase, but not for a long time. I give him more pie than he gives to me. Should i continue with that way as to make him understand what i require form him or withdraw a little to make him chase me again?
I get confused on the chase part. How is a guy suppose to know to pursue if you are playing hard to get? I’ve had guys tell me they are frustrated at women slowing things down and making seem like they(the women) might not be ready for a committed relationship or are unsure of the man. Seems like a confidence killer to me.
If I wait….that’s just what I end up doing…is waiting. I’ve literally had guys tell me they thought I wasn’t interested because they weren’t hearing from me. (and let me be clear, I always respond….I’m not leave them hanging) Then it was too late….
I AM responsive. So I don’t think that I am sending a message of disinterest..
so I am really to believe that it’s just all the guys I’ve experienced…..and not some flaw in the logic?
Dear Jonathan: You offer some very sound advice. My last serious relationship was with a guy I met on Match who I exchanged emails, texts and phone calls with for a month before we actually met. Sparks went off almost immediately during that first encounter and we became intimate within a week. In retrospect, the relationship probably wouldn’t have worked out long-term for other reasons, but having sex too soon (and too often) definitely cut it short. It was a valuable lesson learned for me which I’m applying to my current relationship. Three dates so far, two kisses. I told him I need to take it slow and he’s cooperating.