3 Things Men Notice About You Besides Your Looks
It’s a legitimate question to ask in light of one British woman making headlines recently after gifting roughly $20,000 in vouchers for plastic surgery last year to–get this–her 7-year-old daughter. The 51-year-old mom has reportedly spent nearly $1 million on herself in her efforts to look like more like Barbie. The doll? Yes, the Mattel doll. This woman’s role model is a plastic, manufactured doll.
This story got me really thinking about how women sometimes have such a negative self-image because of the way beauty is portrayed in the media. There’s so much focus on looking good to attract the right man into you life, but what happens when your looks start to fade, your hair starts to gray, and your boobs start to sag?
No matter how much Botox you inject into your lips to make them look like Angelina Jolie’s or how many boob jobs you get to make your breasts as perky as Sofia Vergara, your looks will only take you so far in a relationship. If you don’t have anything else going on for you besides your looks, then you are going to have some huge problems in the relationship department.
As visual as men are when it comes to attraction, we notice a lot more about you than the way you do your hair or your nails. If you really want a relationship ready man to notice you when you walk into a room, there are at least three qualities we look for in a woman that will really get our attention and pique our interest in you.
1. Confidence. A confident woman is a beautiful woman. The way a woman carries herself, the way she speaks, the way she interacts with others–those are the things that a relationship ready man really notices about you. It’s kind of hard for us not to notice a woman who exudes confidence.
2. Sense of Humor. Pretty faces are easy to come by, but what’s really refreshing for a man is meeting a woman with a great sense of humor. While recent studies have shown that women are typically attracted to men with broody good looks (think James Dean), researchers have actually found the opposite to be true for men who are typically are drawn to happy, smiling women. So by all means, laugh out loud when we’re around.
3. Intelligence. There’s no bigger let down for a man than a beautiful with a pea-sized brain. As visually stimulating as a woman might be, the attraction falls short when there’s no mental stimulation… or any other stimulation for that matter. A woman who is just as smart as she is sexy is a huge turn on for a man because it lets us know you have a lot going for you than just your looks.
Confidence, intelligence and a sense of humor are three qualities that speak volumes of a woman’s personality. While you may be busy obsessing over how good you look to us, we’re busy “obsessing” about what’s underneath the facade–more like observing–to see if you are the kind of a woman we just want to sleep with or the kind of woman we want to marry and settle down with.
So the next time you decide to give yourself a makeover to better attract the man of your dreams, here’s a tip: try working on your inner beauty for a change. Skip the beauty spa and read a book or learn a new skill that will make you uniquely attractive. True beauty happens from the inside out, so do yourself and the relationship ready man of your dreams a favor and make it your daily resolution to better yourself on the inside to enhance your overall beauty.
So what this tells me — and what my real-life experience has borne out — is that you have to be all that PLUS beautiful. But a man won’t even give you the time of day till you’ve exhausted yourself to look like he wants. And THEN, on TOP of that, you’re expected to exhaust yourself to be WHO he wants.
Got it. *nods*
It’s not really a surprise, or a learning point. I’m just not sure what women are supposed to get out of all this effort — especially when men don’t appear to be exerting ANY to be good partners.
Dear Im,
Not sure how the blog coveys you have to be all that and beautiful. In fact it says men are looking for qualities outside of beauty (just as women do the same).
Hi Jonathan, I love this! In my own casual coffee shop surveys when I ask guys what they found the most attractive in a woman they always mention confidence, authenticity, intelligence and knowing they could make her happy or better yet, happier. In fact, they even found the occasional “bad hair day” endearing! This just confirms everything you’ve said because really, authenticity, intelligence, and being happy already implies being able to laugh easily and finding humor in our everyday situations, imho.
Thanks Deb, I can tell you, my beloved has had a few bad hair days, but I see her beauty with loving eyes because she radiates beauty from within.
what about if guy that been seeing you for over 4 to 5 years and never ask for your number he only see this girl at one place about a couple hrs and couple days a week, is he just want to chat with her or is he into her?
Malinda, your question is confusing. Are you dating this man, but he doesn’t have your phone number? Who is this other girl? How does this relate to the blog?
She is one of my close friend they see each other at the gym and he did asked her
Out but she go with him. But they see each other, my question is is this guy never ask for her phone number?
I mean he did asked her to go out several time but didn’t go because she just wonder why he never for her number?
Love it!!
Thank you for the post Jonathon. It is so true. Beauty comes from the inside, and shines outwards. If you accept the person you are, and make yourself happy first, you are very inviting to the oppisite sex. When you are well balanced in all facets of life, you will attract a health man as well. You will shine a light for the world to see, and your man will be the moth to the flame.
Beauty fades.Confidence,sense of humor, and intelligence stay forever. Thanks Jonathon.
Great points. Outer beauty attracts the eye. Inner beauty attracts the soul. But the eye has to stop long enough for the soul to “see”. For women, not already in a relationship, it becomes more difficult to attract that eye as the years go by. So its back to the makeup counters and off to the gym for me. 😉
I have to disagree with one third of this article. My experience is that men are intimidated by education, a career, and career aspirations. I feel they don’t appreciate intelligence unless they are still smarter than you and make more money. Many seem to feel threatened by intelligence. Just my 2 cents.
Thank you Kristina for sharing your experience and I appreciate your perspective. Here’s where I’m coming from… my g/f is a doctor, she’s on television and has more money in the bank than I do and I find it very sexy. So let me ask you, are men threaten or are boys? A boy lives in an ego based world and a man sees the world as inclusive. A man in love sees his relationship as a partnership and a boy looks at what’s in it for me. A man cherishes his partner and uplifts her, a boy wants all the attention for himself. Is your world men or boys? There’s an abundance of men who want love, companionship and intimacy, bank account aside. <3
It seems men want it all.
That’s discouraging.
Jonathon, I have no doubt that you are a special man who can see the inner value of a woman without feeling threatened by her outer achievements.
But I don’t have the same impression about most men. If you don’t mind me asking, how did you arrive at these conclusions. Was there a study done on a wide range of men?
You talk about boys vs men. So when someone leaves a relationship because there’s nothing in it for him – he’s immature. But it is true in many unbalanced relationships, when one partner only takes and the other gives and gives and waits… until s/he breaks.
Vicky,
First off, thank you for noticing that I do have an appreciation and sensitivity to women.
While I disagree that most men “don’t” feel as I do, I can appreciate you feel that way. As far as to how I arrived at the conclusion of what men are attracted to, while much of it is common sense… let’s think about what many women find attractive from articles & blogs- confidence, sense of humor and intelligence. We men aren’t much different.
Your last statement is unclear, because there is no question… hence I cannot comment.
Thanks for the article Jonathan and it’s true you do seem to deeply value your partner. But I find the men you speak of exist in rare numbers. Men seem very intimidated and rather insecure to me. If I’m confident, they are insecure and then try to make me insecure. How you may ask: slight insults (I don’t like blondes, when I am one, tell me how other women notice them, tell me they have women who look like me all the time, try to control a situation, my thoughts, or become obsessive etc.) and it’s trying to say the least.
I’ve been reading relationship books for years, work on my own communication, try to improve myself in various area but it doesn’t seem to attract any healthier men. So it is confusing. I wonder if these men are a bit like women who say: I want a nice, stable guy, who adores me but then they go after the bad boy? Is it possible men say one thing ( I want a confident happy woman) but if she is then he needs to tear her down; like says one thing but subconsciously want and act out another?
Thank you
Sophia
Sophia,
Thanks for writing and I can appreciate you feel that way. I on the other hand have a different view.
There are some women who view the world of men as searching for a needle in a haystack and there are other women who view the world of men as a world of abundance.
It’s just my opinion, but those who have resigned themselves as believing it’s too hard to find, just can’t see. They would see a good man even if they tried. He would be a ghost.
In contrast, the woman who see that there’s an abundance of good people, well she’s the pincushion. This woman attracts all kinds of good men and when the timing is right, she will SEE him.
I’ve worked with many clients who seem to share your point of view and 19/23 from my 2010-13 group have the following relationships: 5 married, 3 engaged, 7 in relationship and 4 happily dating.
A needle in a haystack or a pincushion, which has a better chance of finding what they seek? If your pincushion is broken, I can help.
It is getting harder to be happy, when it seems every “hello” turns to tears. I’m becoming afraid to start anything with a guy.
hi jonathon,
here i am again – the much older woman, commenting on your blog.
what you said is very true! but we sill have to do those injections and the surgeries if we want them, to initially attract a man. it is of prime importance, especially if we use online dating, because the men tend to not read,but look at photos first and sometimes scan or not read profiles. then, if we want to attract a younger man (because the older ones do not take care of themselves , let their bodies go, or are sick) we have to have the looks first. of course we must have confidence and other qualities, but the initial appearance is important, and magnifies when older. As usual. most dating coaches and services concentrate on younger people. most of us today will live much longer and be healthier. the younger crowd one day will have to function by a different set of rules they learn now.
Thanks for writing Ema,
Actually if you read through my blogs, you will see I write to an audience of 35-60 year old women and even many aspects of this post applies to that age range as well. Take a look at some other blogs… they might resonate with you.
in addition, i wish older men would be encouraged to get injections, body surgery if needed, and whatever it takes to improve their looks. in general, men do not seem to think they need it.
it is very sad that a woman would use a barbie model! but if men would also fix themselves, they might find it easier to meet that special one online – or elsewhere. Here is a prime point: men should be encouraged ( and how can this ever happen!) to get into an exercise routine, and start with a trainer very early on, for if they do, they might find it easier to meet that special someone when older and easier for us women! oh, sure, they think they will never get divorced or their bodies will never change!? how presumptuos and unfair and egotistical and blind to think we should overlook their appearances. one man could not figure out why on earth i would suggest he post full body pics as well as those of his cat and dog and sunsets online!!!
ok jonathon i will look at your other blogs. btw, i am 70. i agree we need confidence , etc but also we need looks, and need often to use cosmetic surgery also.
Hi jonathon
I read several books to try understanding man, but I am confused by an old man whom I have been dating over half year now. He is always passion to me by physical action as an oven when we meet. but he few call or text to me during three or four weeks when we are apart. He near says nothing to show his feeling through words. He never mention whether he wants to build up a relationship with me or not. He just said that it needs time. I feel cold when he is not with me. It is difficult for me to read his mind that what he really wants from me. How can I understand this kind of man who doesn’t want to open up himself? only action without love words. I just don’t know if he just wants to use me by physcial part as a player or he wants a real love from a woman? I need you advice please. I always believe if someone loves you, he will say it with passion and action. words and action together by postive way in a relationship which is love. Are I right?
A man in love will demonstrate his affections with actions. A boy in love does it with just words and no action.
This totally contradicts what another male dating expert has said. He said that men want only three things from women – sex, youth, and beauty. He said he has women clients who are very intelligent with Ph.Ds and then wonder to themselves why their boyfriend left them for a “bimbo”. The reason for that, according to this other male dating expert, is that men are NOT interested in anything a woman can do that a man can do for himself. That includes being very intelligent! I don’t know what you can say to that because from what I and other women see around them is men always judging us based on our looks and men DO leave women for younger women. I recently read a news report on research done by social scientists that found that even though men “say” they like a woman to be a natural beauty, in reality and practice, they almost always choose and date women who are very artificially done up. The conclusion of the scientists who conducted that research was that men often “say” one thing but in “practice” do another. In other words, the male nature is to be hypocritical. I feel your article is an example of this. I have seen very little of what you write bear out in reality and yet you criticize women for being overly concerned with their looks. Sadly, most women know the truth- only looking like Britney Spears or the Barbie Doll can get you love and nothing else about you matters to men.
I do believe that men look for those qualities in a woman. I also believe that a woman’s attitude is very important. Can you explain this question? What would YOU prefer: A beautiful woman with the 3 qualities-confidence, intelligence and happy OR an ugly woman with the same 3 qualities but spiritual? Because the man that says he loves me because I am beautiful and does anything for me with action: NO SEX! (Just want to make it clear, I respect) He actually married the other with the same qualities as me. Now he actually regrets his choice when its too late. I am still single. He’s married a year now. Please, answer? My opinion no man thinks the same way. We all have different opinions for different situations.
Jonathan, this has also been my experience with men in my life. They like “content” about who I am. Confidence is one of the biggest factors. So thank you for putting this in writing.
How come nobody has pointed out that Botox can’t be injected into the lips? Botox is a relaxant paralyzer and not a filler and is only for eye area and above… You face would literally droop if you injected Botox below the crows feet region. There are many branded injectable fillers to pick from to use in this example.. I enjoyed reading all the posts you wrote Jonathon and while it is true inner beauty is very important some of use want to use all the cosmetic advantages that are available today and not be “overdone” looking well before we reach 40 years of age…cheers:)
Hi Jonathan,
I do understand where you are coming from and have found this to be true of most men, especially the men in my age group who are more mature (50+), but that is not the reason I strive to keep myself fit, emotionally healthy and continue to grow as person. I do for me. It makes me feel great to know that I am the best person that I can be, which in turn creates a confidence that others can’t help but notice, and an enteral sense of well being that overflows when I interact with others. My advice as a mature woman is to do it for YOU. Make yourself happy without a man and then see how many you attract just by being the person God has made you…they will notice, and you can have your pick of the best available.
-Sonya
Very true, most men do look for these 3 things, so you will know if they are really looking for a wife or just a sex object. Thanks Jonathon have been reading your messages
Jonathan,
At 62 I have been blessed by so called attractive things for the most part! But the real thing I want those gentlemen to see in me is my self-love. I do not believe we.can truly love anyone else until we are in love with ourselves, with our own true mind , body, and soul. That also means a man needs to truly love himself. I have been through a many mountain and valley in my life and have been through the pain which gives you the growth and development but that only happens when you make a choice to grow and mature into that beautiful woman God so intended all of us to be.
I loved the blog I hope it reached a lot of women where they are on this journey of self love. Go for it Jonathan! Great Words of wisdom. We all should be setting goals for life no matter what our age!
I am incredibly lucky – have been blessed with beauty, great figure & the 3 things you mention (confidence, sense of humour & intelligence). You are absolutely spot on with your analysis – I’ve had & continue to have men falling at my feet & nearly all of them would love to have a relationship. However, there is still a problem – because when you have all of these things going for you, you want your man to be more than you are or at least to be your equal! I want my man to be handsome, fit, tall, intelligent, kind and have a fantastic sense of humour! I am only willing to go out with professional men between the age of 37 to 42; sadly the pool is limited, most of this age group is still married. Most intelligent/successful men tend to be unattractive and majority of handsome men are either arrogant or thick. And I find incredibly annoying when men of mature age 50+ get in touch with me on line, offering half of their assets (often running to millions), willing to have babies and do whatever it takes for me to accept a date! This may sound harsh but I do tell them – why a woman in her thirties would want to sleep with 20y older man unless she is only after his money!? I tell them – please get real & date someone of your own age group! She will love you for you and not for your money! All I want is a man who is my equal – why is it so hard when I have so much to offer!?