How Relationship Ready Men Respond to Competition
There’s lots of talk about dating more than one man at a time called Circular Dating. While in theory I’m for circular dating, or the practice of dating multiple people at a time to avoid too much into something until you know where you stand relationship-wise. But do they all really need to know how many other people you are also dating? 
Recently I asked by a reader how a man would react if he knew she was dating several men at a time. She really liked one of them and contemplated telling him about the others to see if he’d try a litter harder to win her over. But is that really wise?
Will he be more into the chase, or will he start to back off once he finds out how many other men are on your dating roster?
How would you feel if the tables were turned?
Despite the evolutionary fact that men are competitive by nature, you might be surprised to learn that relationship ready men don’t always like competition, especially when there is a high probability of losing. Contrary to popular belief, competition is actually more of a stressor for men than an ego-driven match.
While men are definitely hunters when it comes to getting women in bed, such competitiveness might actually be a turn off to a relationship ready man as it may cause him to question how serious the woman is about finding a relationship if she’s dating several men at a time. Some ego-driven men might see the competition as a challenge, but most men will just see it as a waste of time.
A man’s reaction to competition is loosely based on three factors: the woman herself, the level of connection he has with her and his level of interest in this woman. In general, if a man really likes a woman, his competitive nature will start to kick in and he’ll want to stake claim on his territory, so to speak. However, if a man isn’t particularly interested in a woman, or if she’s too hard to get, then it’s not really worth the effort to him to continue to pursue her.
Personally, I prefer to date one person at a time three dates at a time. In my book, The Relationships Men Commit To And Why, I talk about three dates in three weeks. If a person, man or woman, can’t focus on one person for just three dates, you have to ask yourself: how serious can you really be about giving a relationship a chance with someone.
When I met my sweetheart and realized how much I really liked her, my territorial side came out because I didn’t like how it felt to be one of many choices. I wanted to be the only choice, which is why I promote dating only one person at a time.
At the end of the day, if you’re lying in bed wondering why he suddenly stopped calling you, it is probably best to keep your dating habits to yourself in the future until you feel a mutual connection. Telling a man about the other men you’re dating will significantly change the dynamics of dating that person, and not always for the better.
love it!
Actually, this was the answer I had been looking for. I had read that a woman should date more than one man at a time and I tried it … it’s exhausting. And, yes, it’s difficult to concentrate on one man. Plus, I believe that one man actually called himself out after learning that I had gone out on a date with another man … and I REALLY liked this guy, but not the other.
Thanks for this much-needed information.
I never had a problem with what we used to call “playing the field”. In fact, it was the rule instead of the exception. (I don’t mean sleeping around. That I never did.) This idea of exclusivity is fairly recent (since the 1970’s). Even in the 19th century, ladies had several gentlemen callers, and regularly filled their dance cards with upwards of 5, 7 or 10 names.
When I was dating, I routinely told the fellow on the first date that I was playing the field. I can’t think of an instance that the man was even mildly upset. In fact, several said they were doing the same thing. For me, this approach got everything out into the open and kept me from obsessing on one guy (“Why doesn’t he call??” “Is he the one for me?”) I was too busy having a great time to worry about such things. Sure there were some guys I was attracted to more than others, but I’m sure I wasn’t #1 on everyone’s list as well.
Luckily it all worked out and I found a wonderful, loving partner who had a full and complete life, and who was looking for a committed relationship with a similar person. But I must say I had a terrific time dating, playing the field, and getting to know some first class gentlemen.
If you have a man and a woman who date each other. And neither tells that they are dating others. Isn’t that a lie? Or is it, ‘don’t ask, don’t tell’ and hope for the best? I have gone out six times with the same person and although we discussed being exclusive, it’s not ironed out. Now there is someone else who wants to go out with me. My heart is in it with the first one AND do I tell him someone else asked me out… or skip it and go out with the new one as well? Where does the honesty fit in here?
This is a subject near and dear to my heart – and as an emotional healing coach, one that I’m still a bit torn on. In my quest for learning to maintain my long-term happiness in a long-term relationship (I never had a problem finding a guy, but found myself getting more and more disillusioned as the relationship went on), I followed a couple of coaches who advocate dating more than one man at a time. And I myself, dated more than one man concurrently (like Old-alisque, these relationships weren’t sexual in nature).
For some women, dating one man exclusively creates all kinds of complications. They find themselves hung up on a guy who’s not really that interested and waste sometimes years of time, and more importantly, their self-esteem on a relationship that’s not going anywhere. For women like this, “circular dating” as you call, can be ideal. Other women are getting caught up in instant chemistry and tend to overlook warning signs that the guy may be less than ideal for them because “they’re so in love.” In cases like these (and I could cite a few others), dating more than one man concurrently can be invaluable. It does take the focus of the guy and ideally, should get the woman focusing more on what is really important in a relationship – and that is, long-term compatibility.
What I can’t quite condone is continuing to date other guys when you have a relationship-ready guy on your hands. For most of the “good guys” out there that I know, having a woman they’re interested in continuing to date other men would be a definite deal-breaker for them no matter how much they like her.
On the other hand, I’ve been in long-term relationships where the guy couldn’t decide if he was ready for marriage until I was fed up and left. I think that circular dating has its benefits, but like anything in life, there has to be a balance.
Thanks Jonathon, for your opinion on this. I’m interested in hearing more of your take on this if you’re so inclined.
Also, I’d like to add – a lot of men date more than one woman concurrently and for longer than three dates. In my opinion, there’s no harm in a woman doing the same thing. And if he doesn’t bring it up, should she? Personally, as soon as I know I’m interested in something longer-term, I bring up exclusivity. Most women won’t do this because of fear of losing him, but if it’s approached in a “this is what will make me happy and if you can’t give me exclusivity, maybe I need to reconsider this,” it puts things in a little different context than the way that usually backfires. Which is, “I want exclusivity from YOU.”
Are you people mental?
You date one Person at a time . If they are not the right person you tell them. You think about the other person as well as yourself.
No wonder you are all single . None of you have figured this out?
I love this ? just had this old fashioned discussion with someone I saw twice & he’s long distance. Work demands don’t allow us to see each other till next month. He appreciated I mentioned exclusivity and is interested but we need to see each other again. He said do what you need to do and if you meet someone let me know, I won’t come down next month. But our communication has definitely suffered & although I’m still going out ( he really has my heart, but we’re both not sure – lots of things to work out) he is not reaching out like he used to. I’m forced to wait till next month and see if he follows through. By the way – we reconnected from HS at our 40th reunion
Wait a minute … how do you figure out if it’s the right person after ONE date?
Back in the 1950s, it was considered the rule that until two people decided to go steady, each party was free to date other people. In fact, one rule was that you never dated the same person on two consecutive dates. The reason for this was to give yourself time to make sure it was really the right person, and compatible. Of course, in that time period, people often went on double dates and you weren’t sleeping with anyone.
IMHO, it takes more than one date to figure out if someone is the right person. So at least initially, there are two ways to go about it – you can date the same person for a few dates, until you figure out they are not the right person. Or you can date several people for a few dates. At some point, you will have the conversation with one person about being exclusive. At that point, you don’t date anyone else.
Merry’s got it. Go out with other people until *both* of you *want* to be exclusive and can agree on that. You say, “I wanted to be the only choice,” so I assume you told her that *and* that you were gentleman enough to stop seeing other women. Sure, that’s the whole point. If one person says they want to be exclusive and the other feels the same, then they stop dating other people. Simple. If, however, one person doesn’t feel the same, then they can simply stop seeing each other. So Patti was lucky.
Dating coaches for women suggest dating more than one man because a lot of men expect exclusivity from *all the women they’re seeing.* Emphasis on “all.” And I mean seeing, not sleeping with. They think a man can date 10 women a week, but those women shouldn’t dare schedule a date until he “nexts” them. Otherwise, those women must be “sluts.” Haha! No. Not happening. Not unless he really is a sultan building a harem and all 10 women have an equal chance.
That would rule out speed dating, which is technically dating more than one person. Not that speed dating is such a great idea, but imagine a man saying, “So now that we’ve dated for four minutes, I don’t want you to talk to any of the other single men here.” Four minutes…three weeks…not a lot of difference, really.
Why are women expected to agree to marriage so fast, outside of carefully screened match-maker situations? Like, with some man they met at a cafe three weeks ago? I find the super-pushy I-wanna-get-married-tomorrow (and have triplets by next Thursday!) attitude so many men have these days really off-putting.
“But like anything in life, there has to be a balance.”. Merry, I agree with this statement. This crossed my mind a short while ago while reading Jonathon’s Angel Facebook page.
The core issue that no one is really elaborating on here is how people are multi-dating to avoid getting hurt. I think that subject deserves more attention. But like most solutions to problems today, we look for the insta-fix. In my personal experience, and in chatting with others, I think this multi-dating hookup culture thing is like the fast food industry – quick to fill you up for the moment, but bad for the long term.
Men deserve to get hurt by women no matter what because they are supposed to be persistent and it’s fun for women to hurt men’s feelings all the time. Women should not care about men at all. Women should be selfish and spoiled.
are you serious?
1 word for such women, SLUT
No man is every going to commit to such a women, not even for a day.
If a woman is sleeping with several men at a time, then I see your point. But a date is totally different. A date is an opportunity for two people to get to know each other and to determine compatibility. Because it takes time to get to know someone, it may take several dates to figure this out. Some people will serially date several people. So they go out with only one person at a time, and after a few dates, when they determine that person is not the one, they move on. Other person keep it more open and date different people at the same time until they figure out who is right for them. I don’t see either scenario as wrong. What is wrong is if two people decide to date exclusively and then one person dates someone else. That is cheating. Once you have that discussion and make the commitment, you keep it.
I knew a guy who is dating and sleeping with multiple women. If men can do it and no one bats am eye, I don’t see why women can’t do the same.
I don’t approve of either
I’m 37 and a relationship ready man. I completely agree with the article. Even if I really like a woman and see long term or even marriage potential with her, I would immediately stop all communication if there was any sign that she was seeing another man because if a woman is dating a relationship ready man she knows it. It doesn’t need to be said. And a relationship ready man doesn’t date multiple women because that’s a waste of time and defeats the purpose of “creating a relationship” or “building a relationship” which is what the man wants and what he’s trying to do. So for a woman dating such a man (like me) to be dating other men is disrespectful and a slap in the face. I would disappear. No contact.
huhhhhhh Ron what do u mean it ‘s a waste of time dating multiple women at once..??? maybe it s da opposite..??
like……if they find out this woman isnt da one..after like couple of months then it does feel like a waste of time instead yea???
i just think u expect not to have as many options just as u dont have as many options…..so basically u just a p*ssy who ant attract women as well no more:SSS
also if u really feel like she da one and tell her if she agrees maybe just maybe she will stop seeing others…?????
duhhhhh
or if she not ready to commit then fine u move which doesnt mean she shouldnt date many guys…
another commenter explained this pretty clean n clear though…
it s just a waste of time n emotions n options if it doesnt work out……plus u ll avoid da misery of loneliness if ur current thing fails….ya know….
so yea who calls em a slut is an idiot…
it s rather play-safe/avoid a pointless drama – thing;)))
No, a woman doesn’t *know* you’re relationship ready and she also doesn’t *know* you’re ready to be in a relationship with her. That’s why it takes time to get to know each other to see what people’s intentions are. Unfortunately, because people lie A LOT you have to observe the other person to know what is real and what isn’t.
Jamie thinks women who can’t commit are sluts. Are women really sluts if they can’t commit to one man?
I won’t compete for a woman. The minute another man shows interest in her, I am gone. If she wants me, she can come and get me. I’m not mad at the other guy; it’s his right to go after whatever he wants. I just will not fight over a woman like she’s a piece of property.
Good boy!
As for dating more than one guy so we don’t get hurt, I can relate because I’ve poured myself into men who weren’t ready to be exclusive or who were horrible matches on the basis that I thought I was ready (nievely) obviously only to be disappointed, no one is ever going to learn how to spot a man who’s ready for them if theyre not ready for that man.. I think it’s a case of less is more, less men is more awareness…
if your head’s clouded by all the chemical hype of dating then slow it down from date one go into it with cool head, I don’t see what all the anxiety/rush is about.. if he’s a man worth your time he will give you reasonable time/space for yourself between dates where you should be able to assess wether he is what youre looking for long-term enough to go another date.. if not set him free, carry on..