Why You Don’t Need To FREAK OUT When He Says: “I Need Space”
All is going great. You’re finally dating a wonderful man. You’re in a fantastic relationship.
- He’s attentive.
- He’s available.
- He’s handsome.
- He’s got a good job.
- He’s not hung up on an ex girlfriend or wife.
- He spends regular time with you and not the boys.
- He introduced you early on to his family & friends.
- He’s even a great lover.
All that you ever wanted in a man.
You could be dating for a few months. You could be together for over a year. You could be even be getting married.
All is going great.
Until he says: “I need space.”
It could be for an hour. It could be for a day. It might even be for a few days.
All you hear is “space” and your heart panics.
You feel your body shake. Anxiety starts kicking in. All your abandonment fears are triggered. Your mind is racing.
Before you go jumping off the cliff. Before you go off into the deep end. Before you go freaking out, I’m here to help you.
Want to understand why he needs a break? Want to know what he really means? Of course you do.
Space is just a pause. A chance to take a breath. A break from obligations. A way to refocus.
Men (as well as women) need space. Taking space is often not even about you.
A man’s need for space is usually triggered for this reason…
Responsibility.
Responsibility???
Yes, responsibility.
Here is the thing, we all know that serious relationships come with responsibility.
What kind of responsibility are you talking about Jonathon?
Emotional responsibility.
What do you mean?
Men want to make you happy. Men want to please you. Men want to fulfill your needs and be your hero. Most of all, men don’t want to let you down.
So here’s what happens.
Let’s say he has some major personal issues going on in his life. Could be his family. Could be his job or finances. Could even be his health. Or worse, could be his “ex”. Whatever the reason, it weighs on him. This weight can be all consuming. It can feel like a ton of bricks. It can feel like an 800-pound gorilla is on his back. It can feel like it’s too much to handle. Whatever the reason, it weighs on him. The minute the emotional pressure becomes too much, men need to bolt (emotionally).
Returning a phone call or text might be too much. Just the thought of your needs becomes overwhelming. Taking on your emotional needs becomes an additional responsibility.
- Your needs are not on his radar.
- Your needs are not his priority.
- Your needs are not what he can handle right now.
What are you saying Jonathon, my needs are not important?
Of course not, YOU are very important. Just in the moment he needs to focus on his issue without pressure.
But Jonathon, I love him, I want to support him and I’m no burden.
I know you’re a fantastic girlfriend and a true cheerleader.
But, sometimes the best support you can give your partner is the space they need.
For example: recently my girlfriend had one crisis after another with a family member. To top it off, she was in the midst of publishing a new article, working with clients and connecting with some business associates. She had a lot on her plate. On our days apart, I usually send an early morning email or text with lovely dovey stuff. Her response was “Honey I’m really busy, a little stressed and I need space”.
Now this isn’t the first time I received a response like this, in fact there have been several. The first few times I took it personally and totally panicked. I literally FREAKED OUT (yes, we guys freak out too).
- Did I do something wrong?
- Is she mad at me?
- Is she gonna break up with me?
My emotions were out of control.
Want to know what saved my sanity? Want to hear what I learned from all this anxiety? I said this before and I’ll say it again, taking space is not personal.
Ask yourself this, what is the issue going on in his life?
Usually, it’s not about you. He’s not going anywhere. He just needs time to deal with the problem without any additional pressure. Emotional responsibility can be overwhelming for men in particular. Men are like a deer in the headlights when it comes to emotional pressure. Furthermore, if a man feels like he has to carry your emotional needs, it’s too much. If a man has to please you when he is in a state of overwhelm, it’s too much.
When it’s too much, men take space.
Tell your partner: “I understand you’re dealing with a lot right now and need some space, take all the time you need and know I love you and I’m here for you.”
Remember it’s not about you, take any energy worrying about him and refocus on you. Take a mini vacation from him and do what brings you pleasure, exercise, spend time with friends or go for a walk. Take really good care of yourself. Refuel, refill and refocus. When he comes back, he will be grateful for your strength knowing you are emotionally self sufficient.
When it comes to understanding men & space http://understandmennow.com/how-men-think/
Awesome Awesome Awesome information! It also means he cares for you… 😉
The article reminds us that men and women are different emotionally and not to overload your man with these emotional issues, after all that’s why god created girlfriends..lol.
Jonathon, I liked how you helped us gain perspective by not freaking out and taking it personal when our potential mate ask for space. After all, we all need to breath…if handled with a calm rational mind knowing he just needs a moment to figure it out, it should work out.
I don’t know if this is always the case, but I’d say it sounds like great advice to me.
Thanks always Jonathon!
Another valuable article full of wisdom that we all need to remember…thank you Jonathon Aslay!
Right on Jonathon! Great article. Since you can totally relate to what it feels like, can you please share some of your personal tips for getting through the freak out?
Thanks so much!
Great question Sheri. From my own personal journal and experiences the first thing to do is remind yourself it’s not personal. Whenever we make it about us, we are giving our power away and making our partner responsible for our happiness.
While being in relationship is fantastic, to truly feel connect with another in the union of love is unlike any other feeling I have ever experienced. However, placing too much expectation for your partner to always be there is dangerous.
What I have done during those times we are apart physically or emotionally is to refocus on all the things I want in life. It might be to read a book, plan a trip, work on a new project, I even go to the gym, take a walk, go get a massage. Spending time with my family & friends also breaks up the dependent feeling I occasional go to as I work on my anxious attachment style.
Much like many of my clients I have had to work on being a little needy. After reading many books to understand why this happens, I now am better prepared to handle the emotions when being triggered. It took work to shift this behavior and I am also grateful to have such a supportive partner.
Now when my partner needs space, I say” take all the time you need, I’m here, I support you, if you need anything just call, I’m not going anywhere and I love you.
Hi Jonathon
I know this is about him freaking out about her wanting a break. Mines is of a lesbian situation, but guessing it never matters. We all roughly have the same reaction, I’m freaking out just like a male or female. She does have alot on her plate and yes I do know my clinyiness and neediness wouldn’t help the pressure. Just trying to find why and how I can prevent this. Yes it’s not about me personally, but knowing I need to deal with my inner struggle wouldn’t help her internal struggles.
Thanks for the tips. I love your responce to the situation. And not taking it personally is the hardest for me. I never thought it might be all the stuff piling up over the week. I love the ending stating to still be there, and not going anywere.
Your awsome. 🙂
I agree it’s great advice & works in a healthy relationship. But if the man asks for space repeatedly & shuts us out while we’re trying to be patient & understanding…well then, he probably has an avoidant personality & not really ready for relationship. Better to move on than hang on in those cases.
Great article, Jonathan! I agree completely. I say bless him and give him his time and space in his man cave or wherever he needs to take a breather and think. Take care of yourself and be present for him when he comes back.
Im curious to know, how long is too long? Does taking some space/break mean little to no contact during that time? I guess it wold be helpful to some of us to know what are some of the signs are that is really is exiting or just backing off temporarily.
Kim, when my girlfriend says I need space I gave it to her without condition. Well actually, I was climbing the walls in the beginning of our relationship and made excuses to create conversation… this didn’t help my cause because it was coming from a needy place. Now when she needs a little break, I say no worries. As I said in the blog, when you redirect your attention to yourself, you make YOU the priority. Let me say if your in a serious exclusive relationship, taking a few days shouldn’t be too big of a deal, but a week with no contact is stretching it without prior notice.
Thank you Jonathon, that’s about what I thought. That was very helpful. This was a great article!
If I encounter this with a healthy partner, this will come to mind and help me through it.
Jonathon,
I think your advice and the way you worded what to tell your partner is stellar – sensitive, supportive and confident- by knowing to say “I understand you’re dealing with a lot right now and need some space, take all the time you need and know I love you and I’m here for you.”
Have I ever had a guy go through needing extended space in a long-term relationship? Honestly, no. But I understand how it could happen, because men usually put laser-like focus on a single issue, whereas most of us women are used to multi-tasking. Our brains are wired for it, and we have to do it out of survival in filling so many roles these days.
I also appreciate that you gave the example of when your girlfriend was juggling several high-stress situations. Yes, I as a woman need my space, often more than a man does, so I’m glad you mentioned this scenario. I work in a profession where I must meet very fast deadlines, over and over, and work crazy hours. For men in similar situations, they would probably easily get pushed over the edge by any pressure to handle yet another issue.For women, I think, again, we are so used to multi-tasking, that we can handle it better. But there have been times I have had to say, “I’m working on a tight deadline, can we talk about this in a couple of days?”
Even when one boyfriend would only email very briefly because he was so focused on a job search at the time, whereas I would take time out to email longer responses, I took it personally – and finally realized it was not personal at all. Thank you for driving home that message!
Excellent article all the way around! Can you for your next blog go into more detail about what all a man thinks of as “emotional responsibility”? Speaking for myself, I don’t understand what all that means to a man, since it’s sort of second nature for most women – or so I think. Thanks as always for your work and commitment to women understanding men!
I’m usually the one who needs space. I think it’s my responsibility to communicate when I need it, and to make sure I get it. I’m not so sure it’s a man/woman thing. I think it’s more of a maturity/self esteem issue. If someone says, “I need space” and the other person freaks out, the person who freaks out is the one with the problem, not the one who honestly communicated a need.
I find it funny that, to show us that men need space and women shouldn’t freak out, you deliver the example of your girlfriend needing space and you freaking out. 🙂
Isn’t it yet another proof that the need for space and freaking out when the other one seems to pull away is not gender specific ? 😉
Actually Dot, I wrote clearly the following: “Men (as well as women) need space. Taking space is often not even about you.”
In addition, my audience is about 99% women so I write to them; however, the teaching lesson can apply to both genders.
That contradicts what you said in your other article about freedom, Jonathon, where you made a firm point that the need for space is more of a masculine thing.
Anyway, great insights.
Actually Julie, you’re confusing a comment during a discussion which I made on my Facebook page vs. my blog I posted the other day here on my website. With that said, my FB comment related to masculine energy (women just as men can have masculine energy).
Freedom is a bit different than the desire for a time out, don’t ya think?
Thanks for the kind words… *smiles*
Jonathon, how can a man need space and at the same time be attached in the rather dependable and needy anxious style?
I dated a guy who had this contradiction – he was alternatively clingy and distant. It literally drove me mad.
Just wondering if you could help me with any insight as to what goes through a guy’s mind when this happens.
Cecilia, Can you be more specific? Can you give me details and how long did the relationship last and how it ended?
It lasted for 5 months. Since the very beginning he said things like ‘fate put us together’ and ‘you’re the one’ etc. Since we had so many things in common, I actually beleived him. We envisioned spending the rest of our lives together. We were both 24 at the time, this was last year, so maybe this sounds naive, I know.
Anyway, after a few weeks, I started to feel he was a bit ‘over’- too many compliments, cards, too much too soon. He had the habit of texting me many times a day, with poems and saying things like ‘I love you’. I tried to tell him this- nicely of course- but he got offended. Then I felt guilty, especially because he was going through a difficult time (he had lost his job).
But strangely, despite all the poems, I never felt so close to him. There were many things he wouldn’t share with me, like impressions of films he would see, general thoughts on life and minor things which make a huge difference,
Then on one day, he announced, “tomorrow night (Friday) I’ll be going out with a friend who needs reassurance because he’s going through some problems”. While I thought it was odd that he decided that Friday was the best night to see his friend, I said sure go ahead. Then late that night he sent me a ‘I love you’ text- instead of answering with another text, I decided to call him immediately. He didn’t answer. How could that be? He had just texted me! Then about an hour later I texted him saying that I thought it was strange that he didn’t answer, and then he only replied with a little :(. Only the next morning did he call, with a strange story that his phone broke down etc. which made no sense, because he could have used his friend’s. I broke up with him that day because it was 100% obvious he was lying. In fact, I was forced to do so, his behavior and tone were such that if I didn’t, I would be allowing him to disrespect me.
So after a week of crying, I decided to call him to have a talk, and he simply replied with “What for? There’s nothing to say. I was wrong about us, please move on.” I just couldn’t believe it. That’s not at all who he was, what about all the things he said? Given the way he abruptly changed and also the way he acted that night, my friends tell me that it’s possible that he was lying all the time, but I can’t believe that there weren’t moments of truth in all that. I keep on trying to understand what went through his mind, but I never did, really.
Hi Jonathon,
My boyfriend of 4 years broke up with me because he feels we argue too much and that we both arent happy in the relationship. This came out as a shock to me because we actually have been doing a lot better.. I can be demanding because i just recently moved to a different city and he needed to stay because he was still finishing up his studies. Im 22 and he is 25. Everything in our relationship has not been easy – its been very hard but rewarding at the same time. We truly love each other this i am sure of so when he asked to break up because a break isnt “real” enough to change anything i fought him on it. And i realise that i was wrong because thats why he wanted to get away in the first place the fights…. I sometimes expect too much of him and get disappointed when he doesnt do it, we then end up arguing and he says he is tired….I think that he doesnt feel good everytime when i get upset cause he hates hurting me.. he feels he isnt enough… He believes that this breakup is best for us and he says that i still want to be with him after some time when we have both cooled off and had a think then he will try again… But he isnt sure if its a temporary break up or a permanent one… I am struggling so much to give him space…. And i am deeply hurt that he can stand to not reach out. Its only been a day and ive already got in touch and hes replied cause he is polite but i know i need to give it to him…. He says that He loves me but sometimes it isnt enough to make it work….. Does this mean his mind is already made up? My closest friends tell me from everything he has said that he is just confused and needs a break from everything including me and possible the pressure i bring. He has a lot of stuff going on i do know that…. So can you help me understand him? What’s going through his head during this time? There is definitely no third party involved and i know he isnt the type of guy to rebound. We are each others first serious relationship…. I just need to understand whats going on cause he cant seem to explain it to me…. What does he really want?
Good Afternoon,
Im hoping this site still generates comments and replies frequently. Anyways, my girlfriend and I have been dating for about 3 months. Things in the beginner were amazing, saw each other a couple times per week (she lived 2.5 hours away, which i drove to her) During this time, she was preparing and studying for a very important boards exam for physical therapy so she didn’t work a lot. A few weeks after seeing each other, she decided to move back home to her parents house to dedicate time to studying, etc. (Now only 30 minutes away) As time went on, our relationship continued and things were great. She finally took her test and passed! Around that time, she began to seem distant as she was actively interviewing and figuring our financial problems. I will admit, I am a very attention giving boyfriend who wants to be with her as much as possible, talk throughout the day, etc. She is very independent and can go without initiating conversation. As time went on, she began to get a little more distant and seemed uninterested. So Valentines Day was great, she bought me bottle of my favorite liquor and gave me a very cute “you melt my heart” card with a writing inside saying “thank you for being my valentine. you make me smile and I’m happy we can spend this day together” <3 (her name) A few days later we were planning to go to the city for my brother birthday, which was about 15 of us and close friends. She called me the morning of saying she feels absolutely horrible bc she was getting the flu. She didn't come. I took it negatively bc i obviously wanted to spend time with her. She barely contacted me that weekend bc she was bedridden. Come Sunday, she texted me saying, "Im sorry i have been distant lately, Ive been so stressed and overwhelmed with finding a job and starting my career. I need some space and some time to think about things. Please give me a week or so before we have a conversation (told her we needed to talk). Im on day 5 and haven't heard anything from her yet. I think I'm planning on texting her saturday and stating its almost a week and trying to see how things are going. Any input would be great. Thank you.
ps. she is very introverted, independent, and career oriented. I can understand being stressed about her career right now. is 5 days of space too much? She used to dating assholes who don't treat er well like I do. She has told me several times she's still getting used to that.
Andrew, Great post and I appreciate your share. Often it is the women who find themselves in the shoes you’re in and I’d like to suggest the following first. Please do some research on co-dependent and counter dependent behavior as well as reading up on Love Attachment Style (Anxious and Avoidant). A relationship is made up of two individual people as well as the “WE” and remaining solid in your “I” is how you can navigate space without making the other person responsible for your feelings. Whether she needs 5 days or 15 days of space, what’s most important is being happy with your own life. Check out what I suggested… it will help out a lot. Good luck.
Hello Jonathan,
I DESPERATELY need your insight! I was in an LDR for 2 years. About a year ago, he had to move in with his disabled father to take care of him and things went downhill from there. He rarely texted me, acted uninterested, it was horrible. He said that he was VERY overwhelmed and his dad needed all of his attention. He said that he was depressed, but I tried to tell him that I was here for him and it didn’t help. On New Years Day, I told him that I would love it if maybe he could give me 5 minutes at night to talk to him. Apparently this set him off and he said that he would “love me until the day he died” and that I “meant a lot” to him, but maybe we should cool things off. I made the HUGE mistake of begging him not to do this and and he said that he wanted to stick with his decision but he would call me in the morning. I called him maybe 5 times until he blocked me, and he never called me. All I wanted was closure…
This was SO unlike him because he was always very sensitive to my feelings.
Also I just want to point out that this was an LDR so I was afraid that maybe what he was saying wasn’t even true. I’ve tried to reach out since, but no response. A week ago, I messed up AGAIN by sending him a Snapchat that said I was sorry that I disrespected him and I hoped to hear from him soon. He opened it but didn’t reply. The next day, I sent him a snap that said that I hoped he could respect me too by giving me closure. Then he unfriended me. Do you think there’s a chance that he could come back if he just has some space? Or do you think that I’ve ruined everything by doing this? I’m sure I’m coming across as crazy, but I’m just so confused how he can go from saying that I mean a lot to him to ignoring me when all I want is answers. If I leave him alone, do you think he will contact me at some point?
Hey, So my boyfriend of 3 years is currently under a lot of pressure in terms of his career. He is a worrier and currently has low self-confidence. We have been in a very healthy and loving relationship but he has lately been asking for space and if I call him he is usually irritated or sad. So, I finally decided to give him the space he needs and it has been 4 days since we haven’t spoken. I know he loves me but it’s not easy to do this as we are in a long distance relationship since the last 7 months. When would be a good time to initiate contact again? I’ve tried keeping myself busy by hanging out with friends, going to the gym etc. but I’m generally sad and always thinking about him.
My bf told me she haven’t get over he dog passed on Nov’20 she want to keep herself busy and she feel weird when do nothing but after that we still have text, call and video call (we’re long distance relationship) recently she busy with her work, last week 23/12 i text her she still replied sayin that she she busy and tired then no good night text and all until next morning 11am she say morning to me, then I call her on 1pm, she no pick up also no return call she text me ask what’s up and she busy right now, i did ask busy on what, after few hours she text me saying that she at cousin place having discussion then tell me she will bbq at cousin house tonight. I feel insecure then i ask her can we talk she said busy, i call again she no pick. at night i told her i need to talk now, she said noisy there but i can ask using text. so i ask whatever i wanted to ask then she ask me to give her sometimes (she want 1month), i did ask can we still continue she said what she want now is time. after that i called she no pick up also no return call?
Yvonne, you mentioned boyfriend but you refer to a “her” throughout the comment… I’m confused.