Why You Need To Cancel Your Online Dating Profile NOW!
Have you ever found yourself saying “yes” to any of these below?
Online dating sucks.
There are no good men out there. I can’t believe I am going this. All the profiles are lame. Can’t these guys spell. I keep getting emails from losers. I’m tired of these winks. His pic’s must be from the 80’s. He’s 45 yrs old seeking a woman in her 20’s. All these men just wanna get laid.
The list can go on and on and on.
If you answered YES to any of the above
Cancel your online dating profile NOW.
What???
Yes, if any of these things really bug you, cancel your profile now.
Even though connecting online is the fastest growing way for people to meet. Even though now more marriages and relationships started with those who have met online.
Even though it’s easy and you can connect 24/7 without leaving your house. Even though you can meet someone who you might never have the opportunity to cross paths with in real life.
Cancel now because online dating SUCKS!
There’s always the coffee shop, grocery store, meet-up groups etc…
But Jonathon, I am really fed up with online dating.
Look I get it, it can be frustrating.
One date after another with no luck. He didn’t look like his pic’s. He was sooooo boring. I can’t believe he asked me to pick up half the check. There was no chemistry.
This list can on and on.
Jonathon, is there a better way?
Before we go into some alternatives, let’s check in with our mindset.
If our mindset is negative about online dating, what will happen?
No really, what will happen?
Can you truly meet an amazing guy if your mindset is say “piss poor”?
Of course not.
Let’s flip it for a moment.
How about I share something personal. Before I met my beloved, I was an active online dater. I loved meeting new people. I loved making new friends. I loved first dates. I viewed this as an adventure. I viewed all the possibilities. I envisioned what a fantastic relationship would feel like.
Look, I’m one of those guys who believes we attract what we put out. So for me, a positive mindset was critical. Being in the right frame of mind was essential.
In fact, I took it one step further.
I created a love mantra.
What’s a love mantra Jonathon?
Glad you asked.
A mantra, as you probably know, is a written declaration–a way of petitioning for something that you want to attract into your life. On my personal journey to ATTRACT My Ideal Relationship, I learned the missing piece was creating what I call a Love Mantra. So when I combined my positive mindset with reciting my love mantra (several times a day), my first date with my beloved happened in 83 days.
Can you believe it, 83 days. Actually, we met 38 days from when I wrote the mantra. For 6 years after my divorce I was searching for her and 38 days from practicing what I now preach, we had our first email exchange.
Wanna guess where I met her?
Do you have a clue how we connected?
I’ll let you in on a little secret. It wasn’t a coffee shop. It wasn’t at a meet-up group. It wasn’t at the grocery story. It wasn’t at a bar. It wasn’t jogging on the beach (probably cuz I hate jogging). It wasn’t even a fix up.
Are you dying to find out?
The answer is….
Facebook???
Yes, Facebook
An online connection was how we first met.
But it wasn’t until weeks later when I saw her profile on a dating site did I get the nerve to ask her out. She was out there online dating just like me. On Facebook I didn’t know her relationship status. But on Match.com I knew she was dating. That’s the beauty of online dating, you know they’re single. Not like the coffee shop, grocery store, meet up groups etc…
Online dating is for singles.
But Jonathon, there are guys in relationship or even married online.
Yes there is a small percentage of those, but so what! There are an abundance of great guys online searching, trust me. Look, I was online dating and so was my girlfriend. If you cancel your profile, you might miss out on meeting a fantastic man. Now friends, I not saying online dating is the end all, be all. I’m not saying you can’t meet people out in public or by chance. What I am saying is have a good mental outlook about love & dating. Create written mantra of what you want. Take action to make yourself available.
As a dating & relationship coach, this is my formula for success.
Just like the client who called me this week to inform me she eloped.
Jen said: Thank you Jonathon for kicking me in the butt about my negative attitude towards online dating You said “cancel my profile” if I am going to be so down with meeting men online. I’m so glad I didn’t listen to you, but what I did do as you repeatedly suggested, change my mindset, I created an awesome love mantra with your help and I dated online. Thanks to you Jonathon I met my guy on Match.com using your love manta techniques, you’re the best.
Thank you Jen.
Friends, if you hate online dating then by all means cancel your profile.
But here’s the bottom line: Have a positive mental attitude about dating. Create & recite a love mantra everyday. Take action, whether it’s online dating or something else…but take action to make yourself be seen by eligible men who can ask you out on dates.
Great article. After trying all the big dating sites like Match.com, Dating Direct and Eharmony
I finally met my partner three years and a zillion coffees later on a dating site for dog lovers called doglover.biz.
YAY! Way to go Derek, great for you.
I met my beloved on facebook.
Online connections do work.
Many believe online dating is a waste of time, beneath them or doesn’t represent real life.
For those who don’t think this is real life, I disagree.
Now I can agree that getting out to meet in real life is a must; however, my point about online dating is that you can make a connection which can lead to meeting in real life.
For example, I met my beloved through facebook.
First we connected as friends, then a phone call, then I met her in person.
Given where she lives, I might not ever met her in real life, yet here we are in the best relationship of my life.
I am GRATEFUL for online connections.
I’m happy for anyone who finds a love connection online– but for me it was a drain. If most guys just want to message or Skype endlessly without setting up a meeting, then I have better things to do with my time. Online dating can also feel like a part-time job with hours spent searching and messaging. When life became too complicated, the online profile had to go. Can I say on a positive: it’s so stress relieving to not have to deal with the whole dating stuff?
Online dating sites are the medium not the message, and like all mediums they amplify the message. If your message (what’s in your head and heart) is right, it works. If you’re out of wack, it will bring you wacky people. No different than the real world, and yes, it’s all about mindset.
I am at a stage where I have cancelled my online profile. Yes, I admit, my attitude is lower than whale poop right now. I feel a little flicker of light in my excitement level reading what Derek said about a dog lover’s dating site!
Yes, that interests me, because I have two German Shepherds who are like children to me. I call them “daughers”, which I pronounce “doggers”, LOL! 🙂
Point blank, I hate dating, whether it’s in person or online. I feel so weary of men wanting to grope me, as if “woman” equals “sex”.
If a man doesn’t want to take the time to get to know my heart, soul, mind, and spirit, he has no business wanting to get to know my body. And my experience with online dating is that if they aren’t scammers, they just want sex.
I have logged HUNDREDS of hours on the computer posting profiles, responding to profiles and responses to mine, emailing, texting, and phone calling. I have actually met maybe 2% of all those men.
I feel weary of the whole process, and it would feel so good to just have fun, carefree dates with a man who simply enjoyed my company and acknowledged that I’m a human being.
I will most likely be dating again soon, but it just feels like spinning my bottom right now.
Sheila S.
Can totally appreciate what you wrote and I get it.
One of the main challenges I hear from clients is where to meet single eligible men. Add to that single eligible men who they are attracted to. Add to that single eligible men who are ready for a relationship. Add to that single eligible men who are interested in them.
If you have a huge circle of male friends who fit the bill, that’s GREAT.
If you are single and desire relationship then online dating should be a spoke in the wheel of meeting men. As I said on the blog, it has fast becoming the number one way for singles to meet.
Trust me, it works!
Radlove,
Sorry to hear your experience with online connections is compared to whale poop (actually that mad me laugh, but it’s not funny for you).
As I just wrote above to Sheila about meeting single eligible men, if your dance card is filled.. GREAT, no need to use online connecting.
Did you hear me say connecting? That’s all it is, a way to connect, a way to make an introduction.
The real fun starts when you meet in person and that is a whole other discussion.
Look, I’m not saying online dating is for everyone. If you meeting people in real life works, then that is fantastic. But if men can’t find you in real life then online connecting is a great way to make new friends.
Sending hugs.
Jonathon,
Thanks! It’s ok, my comment about my attitude being lower than whale poop was meant to be funny. Ya either laugh or ya cry!
Just feeling discouraged, that’s all. I’ll pick up my dating sword and fight again, no doubt.
RadLove,
Quick questions:
Have you created a Love Mantra as I suggested in the blog?
How would you say your mindset about dating is? Good, Bad or indifferent.
The best results occur when our mindset is positive, don’t you think?
Looking forward to when you are yielding your sword again.
hugs
How do you find your positive mental attitude about dating again, when the past 6 years have yielded nothing but …. well, nothing…. ?
What kind of mantra would I need to create? Do you need to believe in it when you say it? or will that grow over time?
I’ve been single and dating for 6 years since my husband left me, and 99% of the men only see me as a vagina. The other 1% are men that I would never in a million years have an attraction for. I was missing the passion in my marriage, so I’ve promised myself that the attraction and passion must be there the next time, however, every time, in the past 6 years, that I’ve felt that for a man, he has not reciprocated in any way other than, as I said, seeing me as a vagina. It’s like they can’t even see the wonderful person attached to it….. so I’ve become very sad and have lost hope.
How do I even begin to get my hope back? I’ve had more heartbreak, disappointment, and depression in the last 6 years to last a lifetime… and if one more person tells me I just need to get out there and live my life and just do what I want to do and stop worrying about a man, then I think I will punch them in the face! I’ve spent the past 6 years doing everything alone. Not having a man hasn’t stopped me from doing anything I’ve wanted to do, even when I was married it didn’t… I’ve always “lived my life” and haven’t waited for anyone….. but isn’t 6 years of doing everything alone enough??? Don’t I get to want to have a partner to share my days with?
I’m just so exhausted from thinking about it, not thinking about it, reading blogs, reading books, living my life alone…. I don’t know how to get my hope back or where to begin…
Jonathon,
my love mantra is I want to be a f****** wife, and I do mean f*******, LOL! 😛
I feel frustrated. The man with whom I am in love is moving at a snail’s pace. If I would date, it would probably be the healthiest catalyst to move things along. But I feel so soured on dating that I just feel stuck all around.
Yes, I agree that we get the best results with a positive mindset. Just battle weary…been in a tuff relationship off and on for 3.5 years now.
See my cute little gravatar picture? It is my effort to be positive. But feel light years away from the perfect little date. Argh!
Taylor,
Wow, I so relate! I felt like I was reading something I wrote in reading your post! I am not able to just pretend i love dating. I believe dating should be fun, but it hasn’t been for me for a long time, with few exceptions.
I missed so many rites of passage growing up. I am in my 40s, but I feel a need to be a teenager again, to go out on FUN dates where we just cook together, laugh, tease, make mixed drinks together, go for walks in parks, and just feel the fun of companionship again.
Most men I’ve dated are just streamlining how they can get into my house, into my bedroom, and into my pants. Sure, I love sex. But I don’t want JUST sex. That feels empty.
I am bordering on feeling contempt for men, making sarcastic statements in my mind, like, “Oh, how creative! You’re playing Let’s pretend I’m gonig to give a massage, then set the massage oil aside and take a flying leap into my pants.”
Taylor,
Totally appreciate where you are at and you ask some great questions (What kind of mantra would I need to create? Do you need to believe in it when you say it? or will that grow over time? ).
First off, what do you desire most?
Second, What is standing in the way of what you desire?
Once you do that, the third thing remove the limiting belief that is holding you back and choose a new belief.
When I realized and have a vision of the type of relationship I was looking for and then learned what was holding me back, I changed my approach and re wrote my story (belief) and my beloved appeared in 38 days.
Now I know this sounds easier said than done, but it is a start.
Sending hugs
j.
Radlove,
I had the same thing happen to me. Want to know what I did?
I took a 6 month break, I mean cold turkey. When I went back out there I had one date before I met my beloved.
I totally think the break worked for me.
Just a thought.
Jonathon,
Thank you so much! Both of your responses to me and to Taylor really resonate!
Ok, I’ll make an attempt at positivity…
My Mantra
What I desire most is to be a wife and a mother. I want to be with a man who is deep spiritually, intellectually, psychologically, emotionally, and basically attractive physically. I want to be treated like a princess, with 100% giving and 100% giving. I want an emotionally intimate relationship where my feelings are cared for and considered. I want to know and be known at the deepest level.
What is holding me back from that is my emotional distress, chronic loneliness and pain. Baby steps to do the things I need to do is my way out.
I choose to believe that I feel joyful and fulfilled, and can therefore function to keep my life afloat as a single, and even to enjoy life as a single.
Ok, I’ll make an attempt at positivity…
My Mantra
What I desire most is to be a wife and a mother. I want to be with a man who is deep spiritually, intellectually, psychologically, emotionally, and basically attractive physically. I want to be treated like a princess, with 100% giving and 100% giving. I want an emotionally intimate relationship where my feelings are cared for and considered. I want to know and be known at the deepest level.
What is holding me back from that is my emotional distress, chronic loneliness and pain. Baby steps to do the things I need to do is my way out.
I choose to believe that I feel joyful and fulfilled, and can therefore function to keep my life afloat as a single, and even to enjoy life as a single.
Jonathan, and Radlove….
Thank you for our replies… but once again, I ask the same question….
I know exactly what I want, and the only thing standing in my way is either “I don’t have the foggiest idea”, or “My own negativity”. If I don’t know, then I can’t fix that. If it’s because of my own negativity, then again, I ask the question, How do I get my hope back and stop being so negative after 6 years of let downs and nothing positive ever happening???
I’ve tried everything people have told me…. from, just stop yourself when you think something negative and turn it into something positive,…. to just keep trying…. and each time, I go out with a man, with an attitude that I just want to have fun and meet a new friend, at the end of the night it all comes down to realizing, yet again, they weren’t ever interested in the real me… all they wanted was to come home with me…. then all the fun of the evening, and all the progress is turned into something dirty and unreal, and I’m left to go home alone again. After six years of repeating this scenario, what does it take to get some hope back?
The negativity is like a catch 22… it was created by circumstances that continued to happen over and over again for years, and now the negativity is perpetuating the circumstances, so how to you stop the vicious cycle and just “be happy” after 6 years of constant circumstances reaffirming the negativity?????
I just don’t believe there is an answer to my question. I’m beginning to think that it’s just not meant to be for me. I’ve watched everyone around me break up with someone, then remarry are start a new relationship and be happy… and I’m the only one that still has nothing new to post on Facebook… or to tell my mom when she calls and asks, “Anything new?”…. I know what she means…. How do you tell your mother, that thinks you are an awesome person, with a great career, and everything all in place, that you just can’t find anyone to love you back…..??? How do you explain that to her… after 6 years…. without feeling like a complete failure….? My parents have been married for 48 years. My husband left me after 10 years of marriage because he just didn’t want to be married anymore… I had no say in it… he wouldn’t even try…. how do you explain this to people? How do you even begin to accept this about yourself?
What is so wrong with me, that no one wants me after 6 years? And why am I the only one I know that hasn’t had a sleepover with a man since my husband??? No boyfriend…. no one has said, “I love you” to me in about 8 years…. I forgot what it even feels like.
no one has the answers for me…. do they? I’ve heard it all, and the final question remains, “how do you just decide to be happy and positive when you’ve had nothing to base that on for so long that you can’t even remember what it feels like?”……
Taylor,
May I ask what you do for a living?
How do you work though a problem professionally?
Radlove,
How can you flip this (What is holding me back from that is my emotional distress, chronic loneliness and pain.)?
j.
Jonathon,
Thank you, i am in process with trying to flip it. i have realized it is a long term process, like peeling layers off an onion.
Here are some things I am already doing:
1. Heavily journaling thru my thoughts and feelings, so I can see my guts in black and white.
2. Doing more pleasurable activities to have a happier life: swimming, gonig out with friends, getting involved at church, trying new activites.
I did online dating many many many years ago when people were telling me how crazy I was. Now anytime the subject of finding a mate comes up people says, “have you tried online?” I always laugh. Having said that.
Now I am in favor of taking that $30 to $50 a month that you I would spend on a site and using it on a happy hour, or dinner with girlfriends or just something cute to wear. I have heard many success dating stories from online but I just haven’t had much luck with it so its time to try something else.
Taylor,
That sounds like a lot of pain. in my life, i grew up with a lot of emotional abuse in the form of excessive yelling and criticism. With such negative experiences with people, i unconsciously isolated myself, to avoid more pain.
So in my mid-twenties, it gradually dawned on me that i had very few relational skills that were positive, and that i was lonely to the core. I felt like i was in a blackhole of pain and loneliness, because i couldn’t get out without relational skills and positive human interactions.
My climb out of the blackhole has taken several decades, and i’m still on my way out. I’m seeking out pain free, positive people in my life, and letting go of toxic relationships. I still overeat as a means of feeling touch, the self-sabotaging illusion of feeling full, even tho i know food can never touch my emotional emptiness.
So what is the solution? Realizing there is an issue and seeking help as you are donig is a terrific step one.
In my twenties, i was gonig to a psychologist, and he seemed shocked when i told him i have rarely been hugged. He said everyone needs human touch. I feel like my life has in many ways been a quest to seek appropriate, positive, human touch and love. At age 48, i still rarely get hugged. it feels difficult.
i have died a thousand deaths in my loneliness, and it rages on, even tho i have come a very long way. i think that loneliness may be the most painful pain in life. i heard this saying:
More than anything in the world, everyone wants to be known and loved.
And more than anything in the world, everyone FEARS to be known and loved.
So for me, my journey is one of babystepping into the healing of my fears so i can let love in, to unzip my heart. Writing on blogs is a big part of that for me. i get practice opening up without having the scary eyes of human beings looking at me…i still feel fear when i am looked at, because the only time i got eye contact was when i was being yelled at.
How do you get your hope back?
Baby stepping into positive human interactions. i have found that sometimes the love and touch of a child can feel like the love and touch of God. i let God hug me and love me thru children. i feel safe with children. maybe you could be a big sister to a little girl who needs a role model?
Another thing i do is at least try to date friendly men with whom i feel no threat. But as i said above, i have had a string of bad dates and am feeling discouraged. i am for the most part taking a break from dating right now, as Jonathon suggested.
What do you think is holding you back from positive interactions with men?
From one sister to another, here is a tight hug for you…((( Taylor )))
Toya,
That reminds me, i heard on the radio once that one of the most ideal ways to meet a man is thru an informal dinner party. it is intimate enough that you really get to know someone — yet it is casual enough that no one feels the pressure of being on a date. it is also an event that can be repeated, say once a month inviting a small group of friends over, both men and women.
i regularly go to dinner parties with people from my church, and they are available about once a week and sometimes twice a week! So i have gotten to know this great group of people for the past two years. So far no romance has come from it, but it is still good practice, if nothing else….positive human interactions.
There, I just placed a profile on the dog lover’s dating site. 🙂
Radlove, please keep us posted on the dog site and how it works out, ok?
Good luck.
Ok, thanks!
i need to cancel online dating profile now because i ca
Online dating is not the problem. The problem is when online dating sites don’t delete information of people who have cancelled subscriptions or have been inactive for more than 3 months. Data integrity is key to it working effectively. Also, I think about how I’ve made friends online who become offline friends. Most if not all through interest groups on facebook. So this is a clue to me to join more networks that have a mixed crowd and not mostly women.