Can My Boyfriend Be Friends With The Opposite Sex???
Recently I was asked:
Hi Jonathon, Do you hang out as “friends” with other women besides your Beloved Girlfriend Jonathon? Is having dinner with a women “friend” an appropriate/believable thing for a man to do that has said he is willing to be in a “committed relationship”? Thanks, Flo
Dear Flo,
Can a man have dinner with a female friend? ABSOLUTELY!
Funny you brought this up, I was just talking about something similar with my girlfriend.
As a Dating & Relationship Coach to Women, in any given week I might communicate with hundreds of women. Add to that, many of my personal friends are women. We regularly touch base, check in and occasionally get together for coffee or even an evening meal.
Now imagine being my girlfriend, she’s in relationship with a man who does nothing but talk to women all day long (did I mention I have the best job in the world?). Imagine the potential problems and potential jealousies that could arise from being in a relationship with someone who spends all day with the opposite sex. There are even times I have to go to the other room to have private conversations (for client confidentiality) which would raise most eyebrows, but my beloved doesn’t bat an eye.
Do you want to know why she’s so accepting of my interaction with the opposite sex?
Trust. My girlfriend trusts me.
Why does she trust me? Well it’s really easy, we have open and honest communication. In the 20 months we have been in this relationship, not once did I give her pause to suspect there was anything other than friendship going on with those of the opposite sex. We spend regular time together, we speak on a daily basis, we share our personal goings on, we madly love each other and mostly we are best friends. Trust is built on trustworthy acts and my actions matched my words from day one. How I show up demonstrates I have the biggest crush on her (even to this day) and my desire to build a life together.
We have trust so there is no need to freak out about the opposite sex. Without trust why would my beloved even want to be in relationship with me? Trust, along with open & honest communication is the foundation of our relationship.
Now here’s a question for you…
You’re in a committed relationship, when do you think it’s a problem your partner has friends of the opposite sex?
LOVE It… great advice!
Thank you very much Vanessa, please share with friends as well.
I’ve faced that issue with a few of my exes. I am a coach myself and talk mostly with men (most of the time over the phone, or on line, very seldom in person since most of my clients are abroad).
Trust is not enough, IMO. Your partner needs to have enough self-confidence to handle it, on top of not being too “territorial” or possessive.
I’ve seen many men, although they trusted me not to cross any line (which BTW would be everything but professional and I AM professional), unable to cope with the fact I was working mostly with men (regardless of the fact most of them are not wonderful catches and several somewhat screwed up, to be honest, therefore why would I be interested in them other than to help them out ?). It was not a matter of me or my behavior, but a matter of them.
As for me, you can see whomever you like, you’re free. I believe you can keep nobody by force, and could I, I would not be interested. I want someone who stays because he feels better with me than with any other and also, I want a happy partner. If meeting different people is a condition for his happiness, then great !
If I feel I can’t trust you, I’m gone. 🙂 But I’m usually trusting until I get evidences I shouldn’t. 🙂
Dot, It seems to me that in your case the issue was the men and their insecurities, correct?
So glad you answered the way you did. A lot of people don’t understand that men and women can have friendships that have nothing to do with sex. Three of my best friends are men. Those friendships have never been about sex and never will be. Cheers to your refreshing perspective!
Suzanne, Sorry for the delay responding, I appreciate your kind comments… thank you.
answer to your question at the end:
when you know something you’re not willing to admit to yourself-that they are not committed to you. Been there and learned from it!
“Trust is built on trustworthy acts and my actions matched my words from day one.” Excellent Jonathan. That’s how it should go. Trust me. I sincerely hope that one day I will be able to find a man who I can say that about. As a matter of fact, I use what u said as a guide for any relationship with a man. Any man I get involved with, its his actions I am watching to see if it matches his words and then I will know if he is serious. Yes men and women can be friends. Over the years, I have had some good male friends including one who later became my boyfriend years later and then disappeared on me. Friendships with the opposite sex are refreshing. It’s always nice to have a guy friend, trust me. I have only one guy friend now still. I need some more although that is not my main focus all the same. My main focus is to find a good man who will commit to me. My present guy friend was a big help to me some years ago when I had just moved to a new apartment and my boyfriend wasn’t doing what he was supposed to do and my male friend was the one who set up back my computer along with other things that as a woman, I couldn’t manage on my own. My boyfriend didn’t step up at all to help so its a good thing I had my guy friend. He (guy friend) tried to cross the line though and I told him no as he was married. I suspected that he had liked me too. He accepted the fact that I was not crossing the line and we are still friends today. We first met when I did my graduate degree.
I didn’t see the mentioning of a friend that was also an ex. My dilemma stems from the fact that a guy that I am wanting to give a chance is best friends with a woman that he had been dating for over a year. They stopped seeing each other because he wanted to see other women because he hadn’t had the chance to experience life….whatever that means. I can’t get over the fact that what they have is not quite over with. You can just tell how they talk about one another. A very caring friendship. He misses her when she’s not around, and she him when he’s not around. They have what seems like a lovers spat and within days are right back friends again. They spend time with each other, all of the time. It seems to me the relationship was never over, it just doesn’t hold the title in their eyes. They were both asked if they were dating each other, and when both said no, they were asked why? It is that obvious! I told him that I will not compete with this woman because they are so very very close and the possibility of that leading to them finding love within each other. I don’t want to be hurt should something more happen between the two later on. They both are looking for other people to date, but can’t see that they are wonderful together. I could never come between that, but I won’t stand for a broken heart if he is not truly over his ex. I assume they both are looking to discover their true feelings for each other. This one confuses me because I have never had to deal with this before.
LK, I am going through this now; however, I am the ex that has stayed best friends with a wonderful man after a year of dating. We’ve had our ups and downs in dating one another, parting ways was for the best. The moment we parted, we parted for almost 3 months. In that timing, I realized that he was never going love me like I loved him and it was selfish of me to keep chasing after him, knowing he had already made his mind up. Our reunion was different and the stipulations were the hardest part, but being almost an hour away from him made that better. I eventually started seeing him as a caring friend, and nothing more. He is my best friend, and whom he chooses to see is none of my business. As of now we have the friendship that you speak of, it doesn’t weird me out, and I am not hanging on to hope, I know I’d rather have him as my best friend than anything. He had a woman that he was seeing that would not accept the fact that he and I are so close either and did anything to get me out of the picture. We limited our contact to maybe once or twice a month and I had no problem with that; however, I did have a problem with her jealousy issues every time we did speak because she thought something more was going on between us. She wanted him to have nothing to do with me period. I stepped back even further, didn’t say a word, and let him make that decision on whether or not to end our friendship, but I was not going to drop a friendship because of a woman’s inability to see that her jealousy was killing their relationship. No matter what he or I said to her, the times we went out to dinner to get acquainted with one another so that we all could become great friends, she could not get over that jealousy and lost him. After all of this was over with, he came to me and said….The woman I choose to have in my life will have to accept the fact that I have a female best friend that I was once involved with, but she will also have to trust the fact that when I am committed to her, I am committed on a level of love, trust, and understanding. I want her to love you as much as I love you as my friend, I want you to watch my children grow up, and I want to see you marry the man that can accept me for the man that will always be there for you. This is why he is my best friend!
I told my story to say this. If there is no trust, there is no lasting relationship. I can see why you are worried though, spending that much time together, sleeping over, and them missing each other it does seem that they both may still love each other, or are just using each other until something else comes along. It’s hard to say though. A truly great friend knows boundaries and would never jeopardize a friends happiness. Go out with him, and see how she acts. If she’s sincere in his happiness, they are true friends, if she’s jealous, then that’s your answer. Good luck!