You Lost Me At Hello, How To Get Past The Awkward First Meeting
Thinking back to when I was single and dating, I totally disliked the awkward hello when meeting someone for the very first time out in public. Shaking hands felt so odd to me (especially when others were looking), say at a restaurant or bar. In fact, I would often text message my date minutes before they arrived asking if we could give each other a hug when saying hello. Something about pretending to know each other put me at ease from the thought that everyone around me knew this was an online dating connection.
Now what if there was no chemistry? Getting past the hello was the first step and then the ALL important question of chemistry. Chemistry is the spark that sets the relationship off and running. When there is little or NO chemistry on a first date, it can feel like a slow death walk spending time with someone you don’t want to see again.
Imagine getting excited to met someone only to have them get up after 15 minutes and say: “There’s no chemistry, I want to leave.”. Well that happened to me once and I have to admit it was painful to be rejected like that. Part of me said, “I never want to do this again”, but if I gave into this momentary pain I wouldn’t have met my beloved.
So what’s the best way to get past the awkward hello and uncertain chemistry on the very first meeting?
My suggestion, take the romance off the table.
What? Take the romance off the table?
Yes, take the romance off the table and the expectation of instant chemistry.
When meeting someone for the very first time say from an online connection, taking the romance off the table and focusing on developing a friendship is a much better way to start. This takes the pressure off the expectation of chemistry and the awkward hello has been switched to meeting a friend.
The best advice I ever received when I began dating after my divorce was to take a little extra time screening potential dates determining if there was phone chemistry first. Once I connected with someone online, we would start with a few chats on the phone before meeting in person. If the phone conversation was dull or uneventful, so was the date… usually. Now if the phone chemistry was off the charts and the conversation was intense with tons of emotional connection, that can be a problem too. Then when you meet, there is HUGE expectations for AMAZING chemistry and if there is little or none, this can be a HUGE let down as well.
By taking it slow and starting with a phone call first, you can focus on what’s really important, are you both a good match and can you be friends.
All too often we rely on sexual chemistry to create a fantastic relationship and the reality is that most successful long-term relationships are built on a solid friendship. After interviewing hundreds of couples who have sustained and thrived being together for years, they cite friendship as the number one factor for their relationship success.
Now I’m not saying chemistry isn’t important, of course it is and every relationship needs healthy chemistry be it physical, emotional, intellectual or creative chemistry. Yet chemistry is only one piece of the puzzle.
In my eCourse The Relationship Men Commit to and Why, I have found there are 5 C’s to a successful relationship and chemistry along with communication, compatibility, character and the all important continuity is what sets the good relationships apart from the ones that are short lived or unhappy.
So the next time you are getting all dressed up to meet that online date at a restaurant or bar, take the romance off the table and the expectation of instant chemistry. Think about making a friend first, you’ll be glad you did.
I totally agree. However, the issue I’ve had is at times, or shall I say, MOST of the time, when I try to communicate my desire to establish a friendship first, I feel misunderstood.
Either the man thinks I mean I’m not attracted and just want a friendship. Or he thinks I’m a prude and am not interested in sex. Or he ONLY wants sex and thinks it’s too much work to get me in bed. Of course, the third kind I like to disqualify in this way. But how can I communicate that I want to establish a healthy friendship?
I find most men want to go from zero to sixty in no time flat. Arrrgh!
Dear Radlove,
Expressing the desire to start with friendship might in fact turn off the guy like it seems to have happen to you.
The real point of the blog is to approach the first meeting energetically as friends. Ask questions about their life, have fun lively conversation as if you were talking to a good friend. Focus the conversation away from sex and romance to getting to know this person. How was their childhood growing up or what’s their favorite baseball team, the list can go on and on. If he is asking questions and getting to know you as well, this is a good start to developing friendship without ever having to say those words.
BTW, not all men go from 0-60, I took time getting to know my beloved and there are an abundance of men who approach the first date in this way as well.
As a guy, I agree 100% with Jonathan.
I recently had two dates with a woman and she did not say anything about friendship first. During our two dates, we conversed about a wide variety of topics as we are getting to know each other.
HOWEVER, I have a sense that she wants to get to know me as a person, and I have been enjoying getting to know her.
i have already asked her out for a third date to see a lecture and dinner afterwards and she accepted.
I believe she is willing to go beyond frienship with me, and as long as she keeps accepting my dates and does NOT say she only wants to be friends, I expect that we will go beyond that, but gradually, as she feels comfortable.
The real test for me will come during our third date. I will touch her hand with the hope of holding her hand during the lecture. If she holds accepts my oerature to hold hands, I will know that she sees me as more than just a friend. If she pulls her hand back, i will know that she either only wants to be friends, or she is not yet ready for hand holding or anything more.
My bottom line is, the second or third date seems like a good time for you to say “i really like you, but i want to take this slow and start building our friendship BEFORE MOVING into a more intimate phase of our budding relationship.
Michael in San Francisco
Michael,
That is a good approach about 3 dates…I have long since adopted a 3 date rule for myself. I try to suspend a decision about if it is to go anywhere after a first date, because each person is probably a little nervous, etc.
Jonathon,
Thank you for your response. You are right…I can see I was bringing a shade of negativity by putting up a wall. It is not what you say, but how you say it. And by steering the conversation with questions NOT of a romantic or sexual nature, as you said, that accomplishes the same thing as I wanted to.
Recently I came up with a good list of questions that make getting to know each other fun, and I’ll share them:
Questions to Ask on a Date
I love it when a man asks me lots of thought provoking questions, and then answers the same questions himself. It can lead into a nice conversation. For example:
If you knew you had only two weeks to live and that was imminent, what are the regrets you would have?
How would you spend those two weeks?
Which is your favorite comic book character? Why?
If you could have one superpower, what would it be?
What movie could you watch again and again?
What do you like about the movie?
What is the bravest thing you ever did?
What is your favorite memory of us in the first time that we met each other?
If a genie offered to make three of your wishes come true, what would those wishes be?
What would a man have to do, or who would a man have to be, to be your true love?
Then in the midst of deep conversation, now and then ask her, “How are you doing?” or “What are you feeling right now?”
What did you do today?
How did you feel about _____?
What makes you feel beautiful?
How do I make you feel beautiful?
What makes you feel respected?
I would ask how do you feel or how are you at every turn, often, throughout conversation. Let her feel listened to. The more comfortable and accepted she feels, the more open she will feel. And then conversation will flow.
What is your favorite song?
Why?
Who is your favorite music artist?
Why?
Did you ever sing karaoke? Would you like to?
What makes you feel like a goddess?
And, at every turn, if her answers aren’t clear to you, feel free to ask, “What do you mean?”
How can a man make a woman feel safe and accepted?
Did you do anything fun today?
Have you ever been cheated on?
With who?
Do you love (the girl’s name)?
What is something beautiful you saw today?
What are you reading right now?
Tell me about it.
So did you have a good time tonight?
Best wishes!!
Michael, That is a good approach about 3 dates…I have long since adopted a 3 date rule for myself. I try to suspend a decision about if it is to go anywhere after a first date, because each person is probably a little nervous, etc.
Jonathon, Thank you for your response. You are right…I can see I was bringing a shade of negativity by putting up a wall. It is not what you say, but how you say it. And by steering the conversation with questions NOT of a romantic or sexual nature, as you said, that accomplishes the same thing as I wanted to.
Recently I came up with a good list of questions that make getting to know each other fun, and I’ll share them here:
Questions to Ask on a Date
I love it when a man asks me lots of thought provoking questions, and then answers the same questions himself. It can lead into a nice conversation. For example:
If you knew you had only two weeks to live and that was imminent, what are the regrets you would have?
How would you spend those two weeks?
Which is your favorite comic book character? Why?
If you could have one superpower, what would it be?
What movie could you watch again and again?
What do you like about the movie?
What is the bravest thing you ever did?
What is your favorite memory of us in the first time that we met each other?
If a genie offered to make three of your wishes come true, what would those wishes be?
What would a man have to do, or who would a man have to be, to be your true love?
Then in the midst of deep conversation, now and then ask her, “How are you doing?” or “What are you feeling right now?”
What did you do today?
How did you feel about _____?
What makes you feel beautiful?
How do I make you feel beautiful?
What makes you feel respected?
I would ask how do you feel or how are you at every turn, often, throughout conversation. Let her feel listened to. The more comfortable and accepted she feels, the more open she will feel. And then conversation will flow.
What is your favorite song?
Why?
Who is your favorite music artist?
Why?
Did you ever sing karaoke? Would you like to?
What makes you feel like a goddess?
And, at every turn, if her answers aren’t clear to you, feel free to ask, “What do you mean?”
How can a man make a woman feel safe and accepted?
Did you do anything fun today?
Have you ever been cheated on?
With who?
Do you love (the girl’s name)?
What is something beautiful you saw today?
What are you reading right now?
Tell me about it.
So did you have a good time tonight?
Best wishes!!
“Emotions are things, things have gravity and gravity attracts. What are your emotions attracting into your life?” ~ Jon D. Bender as tweaked by Emotraction
Great advise! It was utterly refreshing to read a column written by a man who states that friendship is most important and that lack of instant chemistry shouldn’t be a deal breaker. I have come to learn that many of the men I’ve met want instant crazy chemistry (which leads to crazy sex) but I think at our age (early 50’s) we need to take a step back from the need for the pheromone rush and look for deeper meaning and/or connection. Thank you. Now, if I could only get potential dates to read this and heed your advise.