Why Men Need To Feel Like They Can Leave, In Order To Stay
Have you ever experienced dating a man and it seems like all he wants is his freedom? You’re not alone. Did you know this is very common amongst most men?
This morning I received the following email and I wanted to share with my loyal readers:
Why do certain men continually call, spending regular time with you, but they want to be free?
As your guy spy into the male mind I’m here to help.
Have you ever had a guy do the following? He calls regularly to make plans to be with you. He sends you check in text messages. He introduces you to his family and friends. He wants exclusivity and monogamy. And he’s really into YOU. All the things that suggest he’s serious.
But…
Maybe you energetically feel distance from him. Maybe you don’t feel as close as you like. Maybe you feel like he wants freedom. Maybe you’re right.
WHAT!
Yes, you’re probably right.
As your heart protector, do you want to learn about men & freedom?
We go deeper into this question in my eCourse The Relationships Men Commit To and Why.
But for now, let me help you on the fly and share a personal story.
If you’ve been following me for a while, you know that I’m deliriously in love or is it madly in love? Kinda funny how both those terms sound like I’m out of my mind. How about… I’m happily in love. Yes, for the past 2 years I’ve experienced the most fulfilling relationship in my life. It’s true, I really have.
But there were moments in the early stages of our relationship where I wanted OUT.
Yes that’s right, I wanted OUT. In fact, I did a major PULL BACK.
Now here’s the thing, she did nothing to trigger it. She was the easiest relationship I’ve ever had. She didn’t overwhelm me with text. She didn’t call all the time trying to figure out what I’m doing. She wasn’t pressing me for marriage.
In fact, overall she was pretty laid back.
She loved spending time with me. She was open, responsive and loving. She was into me, she cared about me, she liked me. And she gave me the space to set the pace.
She did all the things I coach my clients.
She was the perfect girlfriend (and still is).
But, I still wanted OUT. Let me clarify, it was a moment here and there I felt I needed freedom.
Here’s the thing, men need to feel/see an exit door when we are in a relationship.
What do you mean Jonathon?
We need to feel that we can leave at any time. We need to feel like we’re in control. We need to feel like we’re choosing to stay, not that we must stay. And we need to know if we leave, you’re gonna be ok on your own. Let me say that again, we need to know that we can leave and you’ll be ok.
This is like seeing the exit door in a theater, but choosing to stay and watch the movie.
Relationships are a choice and men need to know it’s safe before we can commit. In many ways we test our own ability to commit by pulling back to make sure we want to go forward.
It’s just the way we operate.
So in that moment I pulled away, I might have bolted if my beloved put pressure on me. If sweetheart had an agenda not in sync with mine, it might have been over. If my girlfriend got to the destination before I did, I might not be sharing how happy I am right now.
The exit door had to be in my sights, even if I didn’t want to walk through it.
The good news was, because I felt happy and no pressure, I wanted to stay. Yes, I needed to feel like I could leave in order to stay.
Now you might be thinking “why do men need to see an exit sign?”
There probably a dozen reasons why relating to caveman days, but does it really matter?
Forget the why for a moment and just accept that “it just is.”
Freedom is part of who we are as men. Freedom gives us the courage to take on the world. Freedom is what gives us our swagger. Freedom is what makes us charming. Freedom is what gives us our strength. Freedom is how we make our choices, because when we feel free, we speak and act from our heart.
And the freedom to choose you, is sexier than being forced to.
Imagine that, freedom is sexy.
When we make the choice to be with you above all others, that’s sexy. When we know we can walk out at anytime and choose you, that’s hot.
So here are 3 mistakes women make when they feel a man’s exit sign blinking.
1) Overwhelm him with text/emails to solicit communication.
2) Obsess what they might have done wrong, which creates stress.
3) Thinking it’s over before it is.
There’s a bio chemical reason behind the desperation and despair.
So here are 3 things to remember if you think he’s about to bolt.
1) Almost all men pull away at some point.
2) This is the time to grab your own hand and hold your own heart, not his.
3) Don’t freak out, it happens in all stages of the relationship (often before going deeper to love).
So the next time you feel his exit sign blinking, just relax and remember my three tips. If he’s happy and there’s no pressure, chances are he’s not going anywhere. And if he does leave, was he really the man for you anyway?
Great article, Jonathon. That freedom goes beyond the initial stages, too, doesn’t it? Men like to feel free to do what they are passionate about even if they’ve been with one woman for a while, just as we women need to feel unrestricted spiritually. I’m happy to read success stories and you and Sheri sure are my inspiration!
Thanks Sheila and yes it goes beyond the first few dates. Men choose women who don’t add weight to their lives, the ones who are not needed and who are confident in their own skin. We crave the women who can stand on their own and yet allow us the space to lead the relationship. Of course there are the needy men or co dependent, but I’m sure my readers are not attracted or want to date those men. Happy to hear our relationship inspires you, I am one blessed man (plus I teach her playbook… lol)
What did you do when you pulled back? Did she or you text? If she did.. did you respond?
This was a very useful and insightful article Jonathon. As I was reading it I thought to
myself, I want to see the exit sign too. That wasn’t always the case when I was younger though,
Now that I am in my late 40’s, my codependent marriage is over and experiencing the stressful 5 years that have followed, I do not want to feel trapped and THAT needed ever again. Or waste my years feeling dragged down and unhappy.
I want for myself, to feel its right and that I can just be me. Feel free and happy and loved and supported back. I would want the same for my partner. Not suffocated by someone else’s needs and feel obligated to stay due to her/his inability to be on their own 2 feet. To not ever receive while always giving is an awful feeling. Draining.
But the question for myself is…..will I know the difference between one “needing to know there is an exit sign” and the one that is actually exiting?
Either way..love the article. Great job Jonathon!
I just found out how true this is. This is great advice!
I’d never really met a man like that before, but now I have known one for several years. The funny thing is I feel like I need to know there is an exit as well and that he will be okay if that happens. Maybe because I was married to a needy man whose life revolved around me to an unhealthy degree, and when I left him he fell apart.
Your article will help me not fall into the trap of wondering if his distance has anything to do with me. It certainly hasn’t yet, and now I know why. Thanks for the insight Jonathan!
This is a great article. I really enjoyed it. As others have said, I need to know there is an exit sign too!
But I have a very important question. When this happens, exactly what does a woman do, say, etc. “operationally?” Do we just say nothing, not call? Roll over and play dead? And act like we don’t care and that it doesn’t bother us at all? Not comment on the need he’s expressed? By not articulating concrete specifics, the article makes it sound that way.
When you’ve become attached and care, this maneuver hurts.
What did your girlfriend do or say? Can you say more on this aspect? Thanks.
That description matches some women too ! It could perfectly describe me and I know I’m not the only one of this kind. As far as i can see, we are not men though….
On the other hand, have you never met of those anxious insecure men, who exactly :
1) Overwhelm him with text/emails to solicit communication.
2) Obsess what they might have done wrong, which creates stress.
3) Thinking it’s over before it is.
All that you describe as being of a woman.
Sure oversimplifying is tempting : women are this, men are that. Unfortunately, this is misleading and untrue for many. :/
Like others I’m wondering what to do in this situation. I’ve been dating someone 3 months and now that he’s been really busy with work the last few weeks he’s definitely been pulling away. I haven’t said or done anything but it’s definitely becoming painful.
So do we just wait it out? Talk to them when they call, see them when they’re around but not pursue ourselves? Do we never share our feelings or needs?
I’d love a bit more specifics on how to handle this normal male behavior.
Thanks!
Very interesting article Jonathon!
“Freedom is what gives us our swagger.” LOL Love it!
There’s just one thing; I understand that you view the need for freedom as an essencially masculine thing, but I think that you have mentioned in many instances that self-sufficiency was attractive in a woman as well? (Such as the woman who can stand by herself and doesn’t need a man etc..)
Barbara, Thanks for writing and here is a quick response to, what is a person to do when this happens? Men as well as women may need to see an exit sign when the relationship hits tension, goes deeper or is stale. It’s an opportunity to evaluate the relationship and ask yourself do I want to go forward or move on. Seeing the exit sign is a lot different than disappearing altogether. When I felt the desire to want out, I didn’t leave or disappear. I still called my g/f for dates, we still made love and we spent time with family and friends. But, I thought about freedom often. As our relationship grew and I felt accepted for who I am (and we had a lot of fun together), it felt safe to see us more as a “we” than a “me.” The more we became a “we”, the more I wanted to stay.
Amanda, Thanks for writing and I appreciate your participation. It’s hard to answer your question without more facts.
With respect to the blog, some men pull back as an opportunity to evaluate their feelings and they can choose to move closer or move on. Both men & women who are in this state might need to do this solo and space is the best gift you can give this person.
Talking to him about pulling away will only serve to add weight to this relationship (from his perspective). On the other hand, talking about whether you want to continue with this relationship will help you both choose whether you both want to move forward or move on.
Fantastic article. It’s great to understand how the male mind works. I have applied this approach and it really has worked. Getting to the “we” stage took some tricky navigating, but I feel that the approach you described got us over the hump. Your article was like you were describing my situation. LOL
Women also want and need freedom, but it’s more about having a sense of autonomy while in a relationship. I do think that your article offers great advice. I see many women panic when a man pulls away because a woman’s biological tendencies are not the same. When a man exits for freedom I think cave-woman comes out and reacts because often cave-man would not return and losing her provider would threaten her existence and the lives of her children. A women clings because she gets scared. Today, the threat is greater because in addition to the fear of the man dying, women also fear losing a man to another woman. So she clings, not realizing that her dependency will drive him away. It’s counter intuitive for a woman to say, go! have fun! see ya!
OK Jonathon: I got it if the man is THINKING about it but hasn’t said anything to the woman.
But I meant, what are the right words (Sorry – I am very concrete and literal) when the guy
says, “I need a break.” Or, “I need some space.” Or, “I’d like to date other people.” OR whatever the heck a guy does say when he takes the exit?
Do you say, “Oh OK – have a nice time. It was great knowing you.” Knowing full well that isn’t what you are feeling. Or, “Call me if you change your mind.”? Or, “Oh I’m surprised. I thought everything was going well. So what’s going on with you?” and invite him to talk? (Which is more real than the first remark.) Or….what? Need some words/phrasing please.
Barbara, Don’t freak out when he says “I need space.” Check out this blog I did last year… it may help answer your question. http://understandmennow.com/relationships/why-you-dont-need-to-freak-out-when-he-says-i-need-space/
Interesting perspective.
I have many guy friends who say that, even when they’re in really satisfying relationships, they still crave for sexual variety. They associate emotional intimacy with loss of sexual freedom. Guys have this inner conflict.
Women have to build their own inner self-confidence and shouldn’t take it personally.
And… with time they might even find this trait sexy.
Hi Jonathon. I especially hate men who are “hot and cold” I’ve been “going with the flow” with a guy for 2.5 months (he’s 25 I’m 26) he pursued me for about 3-4 weeks, (we did have sex on the second date, mistake?) doesn’t matter, there are people who are now married after sleeping with each other on the first date. Of course after he had me baited, he then started cooling off, kept in touch somewhat however hasn’t seen me in 2 weeks. I decided to ignore him at that point. I gave the guy “freedom” and whatever men need, but I guess he didn’t want a relationship. His words were “we’ll figure it out” lol !
Sad thing is, the next woman who comes into his life, he might have a relationship with but not with me?! I am a good person, it’s unfair!!
I feel there’s no hope for me, men are the same. And what the hell is going with the flow supposed to mean?? get sex/hangout whenever it’s convenient? I hatttteee hot and cold men
Elisia, I can only imagine how frustrating it was being with a man who is hot and cold. Actually, these days many men who are 25 have a maturity level much younger. The reason why he might appear hot and cold is that he is uncertain what he wants in life. When men are uncertain, he can’t hold a foundation for relationship. Now as I’m sure you know, men pursue sex in the early stages of dating; therefore, having sex with someone is not the criteria for commitment. Sex is a way we can connect with our heart and when we feel happy, accepted and safe we can go deeper into love. But that doesn’t happen all at once. This is why it’s your job to determine if he’s serious before you give your mind, body and heart.
Let me ask, was he really worth you heart?
Thank you for your answer! Well,..yes I know men pursue sex early and that it doesn’t mean there’s going to be commitment after that. I’m only starting to realize that not all men who pursue me want a relationship. At my age I feel like I should know better! I think I’m trying too hard to be in a relationship, and don’t know how to take it easy and just relax. i get anxious if the “pulling away” happens. You see, I never had a relationship since I began dating at 21. The max was 4 months, that’s more like hanging out. I never loved or know what it’s like to be loved. This guy had a gf for 3 yrs! I’m assuming between the ages 19-22, no wonder he thinks now’s the time to play.
I believe I have issues that needs to be worked out. Maybe one day I’ll stop being insecure, and have some confidence/higher value for myself, but unfortunately that’s not going to happen tomorrow. Sorry..this sounds like self-pity.
To answer your question: judging by the circumstances, I’d say no
Hi,
One question, I am not understanding why men “need to know” the exit sign is there and do so by pulling back. To me, the exit sign is always there and you are either in or out. I can understand pulling back for the need of space however.
Thanks,
Leslie
Leslie, Men feel like women put an energetic lock on the door or police tape saying can not cross. Just so you know sometimes this feeling is a projection.
Oh, no wonder I don’t understand! I don’t believe i project that.
My bf was teasing about some woman who recognized him at church as being at a restaurant previously – I said “go for it, but just let me know!” He thought it was hysterical since he was just trying to get my goat.
I am pretty cut and dry and tell it like it is so I think I am more realistic than most.
Thanks
Hi Jonathon, your articles are refreshingly honest. Thank you for the work you do to help bridge the gender gap!
You mentioned that guys like to set the pace and lead the relationship. Can you elaborate on this? What does this look like day to day? How hands off should we as women be?
I pride myself on being an empowered women, in touch with and not afraid to speak her needs and desires. How can we as women feel free to be our fully expressed selves and have our desires and needs respected AND at the same time allow the man to lead and set the pace? As an empowered woman, it feels good to own and not shame my masculine energy. It’s a part of me. Letting the man lead and set the pace feels like I’d have to turn down that side of myself, which makes me feel constrained, resentful and doesn’t have me feeling free. How can both genders feel fully free to be themselves, be respected as themselves, AND coexist and live happily together?
I’m curious if your now girlfriend truly was happy during the time you were testing your freedom or if she felt like her needs and desires were less important than your freedom? I’ve played that game so many times, giving men their freedom and making my own needs secondary but I want to know if it’s possible for men to have a change in consciousness around this age-old pattern that begins to see women’s need for presence and some stability as equal with men’s need for freedom. Do they have to be mutually exclusive forever or can we begin to reach beyond our biological wiring and establish agreements so that both gender needs are feeling respected. Can we begin to think of ourselves as relationship pioneers and evolve into true evolutionary partnership?
Hi Rosalyn,
Just have a second to respond as I am heading out the door to spend the day with my beloved. You have asked many questions so I’ll answer just a few. When I said we men set the pace… what I mean is that men set their own pace to commitment and often women arrive to that place sooner than men and therefore push an agenda rather than allowing it to unfold at a mutual pace. Now I’m not saying women should just wait for men to make up their mind, but the first two years of a relationship is not a race to marriage; however, an opportunity to determine true long term fit.
Now with respect to my g/f, when I took space she NEVER freaked because she has a full rich life not dependent on me for her happiness. My g/f has a beautiful balance between her masculine & feminine energy and I accept her for who she is much like how she accepts me for who I am. With regards to testing, the early testing was good for both of us because it allowed us to truly value if this was the right relationship or not. Since we are not dependent on each other for our individual happiness, we know that for us love is just loving and not dependent on being mated. BTW, Space is good and actually, these days it’s her that prefers space and because I feel secure (as she does) it’s a nice balance.
BTW, I am reminded of the quote about getting to close to the sun, it’s the same with relationships, getting to close can burn it out too. The space can be a perfect insulation to burn out and variety when you return.
Hi Jonathon,
What is the guy tells you that he cannot give you want you want and he stops being intimate with you, and he says that he does not want to hold from finding what you want (marriage) but then when you ask if he wants to break up, he says no. Besides, he is a narcissist. I left and he tried to eamil that he missed me but did not ask me to come back… I felt like I never limited his freedom.
E, What does your relationship look like now. Do you spend time together and share activities?
I walked away because he would not take responsibility for his actions. I am tired of trying to change myself and adjust and he keeps complaining but does nothing. I was working with a relationship coach like yourself for 90 days prior to that. I stopped complaining, nagging, talking about marriage, etc. I was happy and enjoyed my life and his company.
What you said though was one of his complaints that we did not do anything together except dine out and travel. However, when I suggested things for us to do he did not want to do that with me. LIke I would say go to the gym with me, and he was like well I am tired after running all day at work. Then I would ask what do you want to do and he would not know. He loves golf, poker and tennis, over 4 years, I learnt that and did that with him but he did not step up to do what I liked to do. He did in the beginnig of our relationship but then my interests did not matter anymore. Even though he’d come to my son’s basketball games but that is about it. On the other hand, he would complain that we spent to much time together, then I would start doing my own things and he would complain that I do that. He was into porn too but when I tired to say: let’s play together, he did not want to share. The guy just would not open up… We have been through breaking up and getting back together numerous times. I gave my ring back and thought that if he wanted me back, he’d do somehting, right?
Clearly I’ve made the worst mistake. He doesn’t want to talk to me. It’s just that when I wonder how he is doing I want to talk to him if I’m excited about something I want to tell him about it. He hates texts and what do I do? And of course he ignores me. I emailed him and apologize and explain that i realize I’ve upset him because he doesn’t want to get text about things he “doesn’t care” about. And I feel like I didn’t realize I was being a jerk by wanting to talk to him so that’s probably made things worse not better so now I feel even more rediculous.
I mean we we’re friends and he’s the one who asked me out, he’s the one who asked me out to dinner serveral times in a week then started muttering how he doesn’t want to get stuck with a wife kids and mortgage, then he kept making plans with me then breaking them last minute until I just started turning him down when he asked before he could make and break his own plans. He was the one muttering he doesn’t believe in relationships and wants to be single forever. He is the one who turned to me and said let’s go be spinsters together. Then he told colligues in earshot of me he doesn’t believe in relationships because people stop loving each other then one the other or both are stuck and people cheat or are unhappy or both. He asked me why do people cheat and when they do who’s fault is it? was that supposed to be a trick question? what he’s afraid of? Why he so hard on me just because I care about him?
What happens if this continually keeps playing out and each time you don’t overwhelm, panic or attempt to control or fix the man but give him his complete freedom? As that has been playing out for me; possibly as I am a free spirit myself I am attracting those who value their freedom? But I’m open to have a co-creative, stable and grounded connection relating to someone and looking to call that in.
*And in giving him his freedom he actually doesn’t decide to stay
Pls advice..if a man still loves you but ended 5 yrs long serious loving relationship saying relationship sucks and is saying that he want casual relationships in his life.still loves the girl but dont want to get back
James would like to grow as a couple and do independent things separately. 1st question what separately? Answer the bar, to have a drink. why, would say that? because I want you to trust me. I should be able to have a drink without you worrying I am cheating on you. and you should be able to have a drink while I am not there. James went on to say that he would like to go more places alone, I ask where? he says the store without scrutiny. I say you are misunderstanding I don’t care if you go the, its the fact I would like to go with or without you. that way I could get whatever I would like. I also say you have been far more places alone than I. example 3 stores in 3 days. I ask James where exactly he would like to be alone, he proceeds to list stores off to me, I say those are all stores, is there somewhere else you want to be alone? out of state?, out shooting. James says no to out of state and laughs that he doesn’t go shooting alone, I correct myself and say well without me. I bring up the bar again and his answer remains the same, that he should be able to have a drink at the bar without my scrutiny as well as I should be able to go without him. I am upset because I don’t want either of us to go without each other, he says because I think he will cheat on me, I said well I am afraid of you being hurt, date raped and hit on in that order, his response is he will have a gun. I remind him that is another possible fear I have is him being arrested for having a weapon and being intoxicated, then he says he won’t be drinking with his fire arm. I am confused by this statement. ge also says he wanted both of us to go to the bar, but I am more confused about that statement because the conversation was about things we could do independently separate to help our relationship grow because he feels that its being held back by my mistrust.
if all of you dumb fucks are worried about seeing an exist while you are married or in a relationship,stay the fuck out of relationships. The pathetic need to see an exist is just a sorry ass excuse to play childish games. Grow the fuck up.
Hi Jonathan,
My boyfriend we are more like husband and wife. We lived under the same roof for 2 years plus but he left, when he decided to break up he gave reasons that I am elder to him and later. his family disapproval, and then he doesn’t see future in me.
Finally he left and living in his own house , there is lot’s of stress and anger. I was crying all days once he left me. He said in the calls by crying loudly that I need my independence and freedom . I never forced him to marry. all I did was Caring , looking after his well being,.I invested in our comfortable living. I never asked or thought why he is not spending anything for the house, coz as I can’t see what’s coming through. Once he decided to leave me, everything started makes sense. The joy he had , fun he had with me , eating his favorite food I cooked , me working round the clock to satisfy his needs. Now I feel like I was used all these days.
He is some kind of a man from a different planet. Did he never feel anything for me. He cries if I ask why did you cheat me al these days instead of responding and he will say I wanted my independence and i don’t know what independence, he don’t work at home , he won’t help me in any household chores, he never took
groceries, he won’t pay at restaurants (10% of the time he pays). I don’t what went wrong, i never forced him to do anything , he will drink when he wants , he will go out with his friends when he wants to, he will read and sleep late nights when he wants to. So I never stopped him and I was there in middle of his path.
We got the comfort joy fun and we like spending time each other. He will laugh, smile and I don’t know if that’s real.
He just waited all these days to shatter me like this.
I feel disgusted , cheated , used.
I know you will say he is not the one. If he knows that he doesn’t want tod stay why did he stay till this time and took his own place and left without telling me.
Thanks for sharing…
Thanks so much for this posting! It’s so true that man want to be free when they are in a relationship. I’m currently in a relationship and my boyfriend was singing a song “I am reclaiming my freedom”. If he’s meant to be with me, he will.
My pleasure… and thank you.
Dated someone briefly that ran away at the first whiff of commitment. My ex said he gave it a good try (2 weeks of commitment is a good try??), but what was missing from our relationship for him was freedom. This confused me because we were long distance and had full lives apart from each other. When I asked him to clarify he’d said the freedom he’d missed was to talk to other women and not be exclusive. So I gave him all the freedom he wanted – now that we’re not together he can chat with and date whoever he wants. He admitted that he was scared and feeling anxious and insecure, but didn’t change his mind.
He reached out to be friends 3 weeks later and orbited my social media. I said it was too soon, unfriended him and said I’d reach out if/when I’m ready. I miss him but really have no interest in being treated badly by an insecure man who would likely run away again once his anxieties resurface. I don’t know if allowing a non-monogamous relationship would have been the answer.
Thanks for sharing…
I think this article is just justifying the fear of committing. I am a female and I feel exactly the same when I am in the relationship, and it is not about freedom for me. You always have freedom, no one can control you 24/7.
This attitude does not allow to make any plans for the future, or put you at risk when you do, that you end up going on holiday alone or loose money, because you partner decides he needs freedom and space.
How marriage and family responsibilities fits into this?
Thank you for sharing…