Why An Honest Man Can Be A Bad Bet
Trust
Such an empowering word and it means so much to a woman.
As a coach who has interviewed thousands of women, I can say TRUST is how a woman truly opens her heart.
Trust begins with honesty and honesty builds trust.
Honesty is the foundation of integrity. Honesty leads to deeper intimacy. Honesty IS the best policy.
But when can honesty be a bad bet when seeking love?
As your guy spy into the male mind, I want to share some ‘man speak’.
What’s ‘man speak’ Jonathon?
Man speak is the inside language we men talk about when you’re not around. Man speak is what we say in the men’s locker room. Man speak is the little code only we men know about. Man speak is what every woman wants and needs to learn. So as your man speak translator, I want to share something we men talk about behind closed doors.
Imagine the following: You’ve met an amazing man and you’ve been dating for a few months. He’s kind. He’s courteous. He’s attractive. He’s into You. And the sex is off the charts.
You feel a real connection with him.
Here’s the thing, when you first began dating he said something like this: “I’m not looking for a relationship right now.”
You didn’t make much of it because you might have said to yourself “I’m not sure about him yet anyway.”
So now the relationship is going little deeper. The sex is becoming more regular. The emotional connection seems stronger. The doors to the exclusivity have begun to crack open. All the making for a serious relationship. He hasn’t done anything which creates mistrust. Since trust allows you to go deeper emotionally, you’re really beginning to open your heart.
There’s only one problem. What’s that Jonathon?
Ok, we said it’s been around 3 months. You share some activities together. He comes over to your place for dinners. He occasionally takes you out for drinks or a movie. The relationship is light and without pressure. He doesn’t get much into your personal life. He doesn’t share too much of his own. The sex is really amazing and you feel deeply connected.
You take a chance and ask “where’s this relationship going?”
All of a sudden his behavior changes.
He responds with a vague answer. He begins to call less. His text messages become more sporadic. He shifts his regular pattern.
Do you want to know what’s really going on?
As your heart protector. As your guy spy into the male mind. As your man speak translator.
Here’s what he really means. Now I hope you’re sitting down, cuz this might hurt a little.
When a man says:
I’m not looking for a relationship right now.
Translation:
I want to see you, I want to have sex with you and I want to keep my options open (should my princess walk into my life).
That’s right friends, I know it sucks.
And here’s the thing.
Because we told you up front we’re not interesting in a relationship right now, we men feel we are being totally honest and in total integrity with you. We might even be subtly reminding you of our impending escape.
Therefore…
We have no problem investing emotional connection. We have no problem having regular sex. We have no problem knowing we will leave. So long as we are being honest, how you feel doesn’t really matter.
It’s kinda bull shit I know, but it’s the truth.
Look friends, I was no angel when I first began dating after my divorce. So this comes from knowing men and even my own behavior.
Now that I’m totally in love. Now that I’m a professional dating & relationship coach. Now that I know the importance of real integrity, I’m here to help.
The reason why I became your heart protector. The reason why I love being your guy spy. The reason why I now teach man speak.
Truth is, I hurt someone, it was wrong and I woke up.
So here’s 3 things to remember before you give your heart.
1st) Ask yourself if he’s relationship ready? Is he going through a divorce, did he just break up with a long term g/f, did he just change jobs or worse, lose his job.
2nd) Does he include you into his life and vice versa? Does he take interest in you personal life, the good the bad the ugly and does he share his own stuff too.
3rd) Does he talk about a we or is it all about him? If he sees his life as a “me” and not a “we” you might be in for a rough road or worse a path to heartbreak.
Just remember these men feel they’re being honest because …
They told you right from the get go. They believe you know the score. They believe there’s even exchange. In essence they believe they’re absolutely honest and guess what, they are honest.
So the next time you hear:
I’m not looking for a relationship right now.
Ask yourself, is he worth the gamble?
Lastly, if a guy knows you’re falling for him and he doesn’t state his intentions, he’s out of integrity.
Yup! Another great one… as usual! Thank you for exposing!!!
Another great article Jonathon! When a guy says he doesn’t want a relationship, it means that he doesn’t want a relationship with you. That hurts!
My man, newly separated when we met, said,”I just don’t know, but can we just see.” Given his situation, I said OK. Had he said, “I don’t want a relationship,” I would have run because I have seen many guys say that, only to fall hard for a girl a week later. I have learned that you have to take a man at his word. Long story short, my acceptance of his process created an amazing bond and we are really happy! It was a risky roll of the dice, but I’m glad I took the gamble. I normally wouldn’t recommend dating a newly separated, soon to be divorced man to anybody. I’m just glad it worked out for us!
Maybe another question could be… when does an honest man cares about your feelings too?
An honest man always cares. An honest man cares about you so much that he has to be honest. He does not want to mislead. An honest man respects your feelings at all times and says sorry when he blows it. An honest man lays out his intentions at the beginning because he respects you.
Wonderfully stated. Great blog Jon.
I have dated a lot of men, including a gazillion attorneys and I have learned a jewel from them. Honesty is not what you want!
Honestly is what we believe to be true in our mind and heart. Truthfulness is backed by evidence and true facts and actions.
I want truthfulness, only then will I completely trust a man and surrender everything I am to him.
This is why we women should hold back on the sex. Once you have sex, it seems that the “getting to know you phase ends” Why play your best card when he hasn’t given any intentions toward you.
So i have previously dated this man and everything before was perfect until he broke my heart…that was 3 years ago , and out of the blue just recently he feels the need to walk back into my life. This is the man that makes me speechless, stumble and i never was able to tet over him. Why would this time he come out eith the “i dont want a relationship!” Why would he even come back. And its not just me who became attached, he also did a number of heartache to my 10 yr old daughter who had been 7 at the time? syumble
I was told today that honesty wasn’t part of the deal and I should accept it! This was after discovering that he’d emailed another woman, copying in her partner but not me for as he didn’t consider me important (the partner later threatened my ex-bf with violence during a row over money -he had a broken arm at the time) you can imagine my feelings when it transpired secret emails were pinging around! Incredible.
I just called it off with a man who was all over me for a year – until he gradually stopped calling so often, stopped coming over for dinner, told me he was starting to feel owned. He asked me to be patient, and I tried the FWB for 6 months. It’s not my thing, and I told him that. I won’t be with a man who isn’t interested in me, who doesn’t want to share our lives by getting closer.
Totally his loss – my life is awesome. He doesn’t know what he wants. I definitely know what I want, and he doesn’t have it.
I have been emailing this guy via one of this websites and we got hooked to talk he has been hurt through two marriages so he doesn’t want relationship and he is so sexy, I am recently divorced and was looking for someone to talk as well and we got to talk. I felt such an amazing attraction and he is the only one I can tell him every thing in my mind and it’s been great we had ups and downs and he thought may be I am playing with his emotions and didn’t want to talk to me for a while but then I got him back we talking he wants to have sex with me because he thinks I need it, I guess I do. but I am scared I will get attached to him even more, I don’t want relationship either at this time but I don’t know what to feel?? I am really attracted to him even though I haven’t seen him yet. He is there for me if I am upset or happy I talk to him all the time (send him email) before and after work almost every day but I know he doesn’t want a relationship and I respect that. but deep down I hope he get to love me as he get to know me better .!!!
my ex-boyfriend dumped me 5 months ago after I caught him of having an affair with someone else and insulting him. I want him back in my life but he refuse to have any contact with me. I was so confuse and don’t know what to do, so I visited the internet for help and I saw a testimony on how a spell caster (Dr Camara) help them to get their ex back so I contact the spell caster (Dr Camara) and explain my problems to him….. he cast a spell for me and assure me of 3 days that my ex will return to me and to my greatest surprise the third day my boyfriend came knocking on my door and beg for forgiveness. I am so happy that my love is back again and not only that, we are about to get married. Once again thank you for helping me to get my love back and your love spell is truely perfect, you are truly talented and gifted i will continue to publish your name on the net because of the good work you are doing.
This is great! Does this mean that a man who states this will never feel differently? That wouldn’t make sense, how much does anyone know at the very beginning of any relationship if you haven’t even had a chance to get to know each other?
I have had a few men in my life that seemed like they wanted a relationship. But flipped a complete 180 on me and broke up with me. And even a few controlling men in life. So I’ve just met this guy, and we’ve been hanging out together. And went to a few social gatherings together, and he still hangs around his most recent ex. And does things with her still, and we’ve hung out a few times at his place. Now he has no job, donates plasma with his ex. And I can’t seem to figure out why I can bring him close.
This is hilarious. Hilarious because it rings true. This must be how things go. The divine comedy, or is it tragedy.
The problem, and btw I noticed the authors plug at the end about how he’s a good guy now. No, bear in mind the opposite case, where a guy is open to a relationship at the start. If she shows too much interest, and it’s so easy to do as women are so sensitive and strong and independent these days, then she would have been the one to cancel it.
It’s like if a man likes a girl for dating, he has to play for so long that he doesn’t know, that it’s as you say pressure free and all. Cause women are sensitive to pressure.
No matter how smart they are as doctors and engineers they are not smart regards dating and relationships.
It’s a joke because it’s not quite technically but almost a double bind. A Kafka trap
Happy to hear this resonated with you… and yes, a person might be smart and clueless about dating & relationship. well said.