What Men Say is the #1 Mistake Women Make in Relationships
As a single woman wanting to know how guys think, don’t you wish you could be the fly on the wall in a man’s locker room?
When it comes to understanding men and hearing what we say about women, the locker room is the place. They know they can speak freely because in guy code, what’s said in the locker room stays in the locker room. The locker room is a sacred place where men can say anything. And they usually do!
Allow me to be your fly on the wall for a minute.
Imagine this, a couple of guys just finished a workout. They are a bit exhausted and ready for the steam room or sauna. They are kinda out of their “heads” and into their “bodies”
They are connected to their emotional side, not their logical side. Wanna know what guys mostly talk about?
If you said sports, cars and work, you’d only be be half right.
The truth is, the minute one guy talks about women… the place goes silent.
Now you might be thinking, why does it go silent Jonathon?
Good question.
Well, for some men they live vicariously through the stories of others. And for others, they want to hear a good story and share their two cents. Men are competitive and they like to one up their friends when it comes to conquests.
Now this is all fine and good for those guys just dating (in the getting laid mode). You know, the 20 something crowd or the newly divorced guys over 40.
What about the guys in relationship?
Guess what most of them do?
Rarely do you hear men speak of how “in love” they are. Why?
It’s not in our nature to talk about lovely-dovey stuff. Guys who are in happy relationships keep it to themselves.
What about the other guys, what do they talk about? They complain. About what, you wonder?
They’re sharing their frustrations about women. And the #1 mistake women make in relationship, which is…
Agenda.
Yes, agenda!
The #1 frustration men have with women is when women have an agenda on where the relationship is going.
If you are single & looking, or in a relationship now, I’m sure you have done this. Women often think in the future. By contrast, men think in the NOW. Men tend to think in present terms not the future when it comes to relationships. So the minute a woman has an agenda, this freaks guys out.
When it comes to where a relationship is going, men want it on their terms. They want to set the course. They often set the pace. If you were attracted to this man in the early stages of relationship. He picked the restaurant for the first date. He planned the first trip. He even decided when to call you his girlfriend.
He hopefully said “I love you” first. (I know, you were biting your tongue on that one).
Men prefer to set the pace at every stage of the relationship. And you are attracted to men who take charge, who are leaders. So when it comes to where it’s going, why would you expect anything less?
Here is why.
Women often get to the destination of a relationship faster then their boyfriends. Now I’m sure this goes back to the days of being little girls and hearing Prince Charming stories. Or planning your wedding with your girlfriends at age 13. Whether it’s in your nature or all that playing as a child, where is it going is just part of who you are. You have a need for security.
Men don’t operate that way.
Growing up, the last thing we talked about was marriage. We talked about girls, but mostly how to meet and approach women. In our teens and twenties, we were learning how to meet and have confidence with women. Mostly we learned by trial and error. I’m sure you have even met a few guys who didn’t have game, who didn’t have edge. Some men are STILL learning how to have confidence with women and how to be in relationship. But you are in relationship and you are frustrated with his pace. All your doubts about men and commitment rise to the surface. You are remembering many of your failed relationships and fear rears it’s ugly head.
Guess what? We pick up on those fears. So you have a double whammy going. Your fears are pushing for an agenda and this expectation is scaring him away.
This is the #1 mistake you’re probably making with men. And guess what? It’s completely reversible and preventable.
To create a strong connection and be successful in a relationship with a guy, you must understand where he’s coming from. You have to understand how he thinks, what he’s feeling and what he wants from a relationship with you. The better you understand your guy, the easier your relationship will be. For many women, starting the conversation of “where is it going” is the hardest part of a new relationship. You want to know where you stand, and you want to get your guy to open up and talk to you.
The Relationships Men Commit To and Why is here to help on how to get your guy to open up and talk to you, and tell you how he feels about your relationship.
He may not like thinking you have an agenda, but there is a way to inspire a man to want to share his thoughts and feelings in a way that doesn’t freak him out.
Take a lesson from the locker room.
It’s so awesome to know above fact. You’re so great when you took us to come over men’s locker rooms. I’ll keep that in mind.
Thanks so much for your post, Jonathon. Keep going!
4-29-13 I don’t hate men or anyone else, but I am realistic and wise when it comes to not being fooled by a man. I know what they are all about. What women need to do first, is to love themselves and not be so too into guys/me/boys. Talk to your mom, grandmom, big sis, and other trusted females, about the cons of dating and marriage. There are not many pros, honestly.
Dad is not a female so he does not know or care about what the female gender goes through. He may love you, but even as his daughter, he will not put down his male gender. So do not expect the total truth from him or any other man. He absolutely will not tell you the whole truth. Then love yourself and not be validated by a man. Get your career started and do not drop it for any man. don’t be so smiley and giggly and looking at his face like he is a piece of gold. The truth is men allow a sin nature to make them lose interest in us anyway after a period of time. They are constantly looking at other females in real life and the media. They constantly fantasize about other females, even those who you know. Do not read or trust any of the internet and book articles written by some female relationship counselors,who write these scolding articles to women about what we don’t do right. These will confused you and brainwash you, if you let them. These women claim to be Christian, but cannot be, because God wants men and women to love, honor, respect, and treat their mates correctly. It’s not only for the woman.
Young females, trust me, I am not a troll, and I do not hate men. I have many, happy, appropriate relationships with all kinds of males. I do what I am supposed to do for those males, and I allow them to do the right thing by me, keeping in mind, that men and women are sooooooo different and that I should not change myself for any man.
He is right on this one though!
Women seem planning machines sometimes. Planning out every tiny detail beforehand, while most men -me included- just ‘see where it goes’ and look more at the broader picture.
I also think women look forward more to marriage, they see it as ‘making it real’, while men see it as ‘being stuck/ letting hardships begin’.
And yes, agenda’s are scary.
Just a while ago one bit my finger off, y’know. I’m never gonna touch one ever again! ;P
I came across this article when I searched “why men say they love you when they don’t” because it’s annoying. This sounds like something from the ’50s. Not every woman is looking to marry you. The idea of marriage may be nice but reality is often far from it. Get over yourselves.
So the “advice” this author has for women is: (1) if you have any hopes or expectations for the future, shut up; (2) sleep with him, take vacations together, shack up, but don’t confuse that level of intimacy as something that entitles you to any clarification about a shared future; and, (3) don’t be honest about your feelings, thoughts, or hopes, lest you spook him.
That any woman would accept such terms is a testament to the devaluation of women that has been brought about by the feminist movement. In a saner age, if a man wanted to pursue a woman, he had to make his intentions known up front, and if those intentions were something other than marriage, he would have been turned down. Oh, how “sophisticated” and “enlightened” we’ve become.
I’m always glad to warn my children about how sleazy the majority of people have become in matters of love, that they might avoid these pitfalls and seek out mates who will both respect them and be respected by them.
Absolutely spot on. I was thinking exactly the same thing!!! It’s just awful!
So… Trying to figure out why men can’t keep their word and I come across this. By keeping their word, I mean that in the second month of a relationship… making plans becomes a tedious game of bull. Oh… ask em and they like you but can’t quite seem to show up when they say they will. When confronted it becomes a big whine fest over how I am getting too serious and they are freaking out. Errrr… Oh! You mean when you told me you like me and that we were doing something Saturday…. It means when you fail to call that I had an “agenda” and was putting pressure on you? Okay. I do not think this issue is mine. The 21st century man needs to catch up on some issues. Their issues to be precise. A whole ball of wax going on there that is a huge load of immaturity disguised in a “crazy woman” package of excuses, it seems. Who wants to date a flake that can’t just say no?
I have had a many men flake on me, and can’t understand why they do it. If I give them some they move on, if I don’t they move on. So now I have this new one, he tells me all about his childhood and family and friends and adventures. But is that a good sign?
LOL. I am with the other women on this one. Where have good men gone? Men have become flakes. No time ever since now have men been able to meander without intention and purpose. Hmmmm, I think that there are plenty of articles about what has happened to our boys ie boys who can’t become men and of course it is a woman’s fault. The women’s movement was created because you could no longer trust a man boy to do the right thing. One man I dated tried to explain it to me like this – at 18 boys a maturity wise only about 13 whereas girls are maturity the same age they are (18 is 18). He tells me that it takes a man to about the age of 40 to grow up and make decisions to get married/partner and that is just how men are wired. So I ask him if he thinks men have become socialized by other men to believe this and he says no it is just how me develop. So … I kindly point out that it hasn’t been all that long ago that male boys of indian tribes were considered men at 14 and had a ceremony as such. Ohhhhh was his response. hahaha. Men don’t think much do they? Well, they like to buffalo women, they want to string women along and keep you chasing after them by offering scraps. Just something women have to be aware of and not get to connected and be ready to exit the relationship when it isn’t producing the fruits you want.
This author sounds like the kind of person that likes to sleep with women, but does not actually like women.
LilShan, would love to hear your “why” you said that…
Because you’re of the mindset that women should sit back and bite their tongues instead of try to clarify expectations. If we follow your advice, a lot of us are in for a big waste of time when the guy finally decides he’s all set, had his fun, and pulls the plug or ghosts. Why should we have to try not to “spook” a guy by addressing why the relationship isn’t moving along or where BOTH parties would like to see it headed? Men who can’t deal with open conversations about commitment aren’t worth anyone’s time. And women looking for potential long-term relationships need to be able to suss that out. With a real man who can actually handle someone else’s feelings as well as his own. This is such a misogynist article.Making excuses for weak men by announcing that “that’s just how they are.” Nope. Not the quality ones.
Wow! There are some really negitive comments here! But I guess everyones veiws and ideas are based on what theyve expirienced. I think Jonathon is correct… What incentive does guys have for marriage?? They’re not raised to want weddings… That’s a female thing. I think we should be more focused on a ‘partnership’ … Weddings cost a lot of money… It’s a lot of presure to put on a guy, also, they probably DONT really know how they feel… Do you think women do… People usually go through a midlife crisis for a reason… There’s all types of people in the world… Some guys know they want marriage and babies, some dont… Is that really so bad… Why not enjoy your life… Without all these preconsev ‘ideas’ about what a relationship is about! Both people should feel safe!
This is a good article and generally I agree, but what you haven’t mentioned is a major difference between women and men that influences relationships and their pace and that major difference is the woman’s biological clock. The fact is that women have a time limit (which is biologically about 40 years old) as to when they can have children. Men do not have the same biological clock. Rather, men can have children (keep releasing viable sperm) right into their elderly years. This biological difference I believe has a significant influence on the pace of relationships. Simply put, men don’t have the same pressure to decide whether they want to have children than women do. Hence, men do not actually need to settle down until much later in life. It is sometimes that case that women need to know where a relationship is going, because they need to know whether they may try and have children with their man, before their time is up. I’m not saying this is the only reason that women often seem to set the pace of relationships, but I think it is a significant and understandable factor. I wonder if conversations and pace setting would be different if men had the same time limit on their biological clock as women…what do you think?
Whoa mama i could not have said it better myself!…all this dating advice aimed to NOT SCARE A MAN OFF is only half correct. Sure, be cool and take things one day at a time, but if one has a final GOAL to achieve there is nothing wrong with stating it within 3 months of seeing a man….marriage is a goal that no woman should be ashamed of, but many men KNOW they want sex first and possibly never even want long term, but won’t risk losing the chance of sex with her so they lead women on at first with their “relationship ” talk. After about 3 months, the only men that will stay are the ones who truly want a future with a certain woman. I’ve told me up front that i want long term and after a few weeks of no sex the ones that were still around were the guys that wanted long term too and KNEW it,so we both went in seeing if we clicked. The guys that bolted after weeks of no sex were the ones that tried to RUSH me being their “girlfriend”, told me they wanted to be exclusive after 2 weeks, had all these future plans, but then 8 weeks later and still no sex, (which I told them my boundaries from day)….those guys were not interested in us seeing each other anymore….lol….So QUIT making excuses for mens lack of integrity!…Don’t want marriage? then fine, but stop making women think they are doing something wrong with men for merely desiring marriage. most women want marriage or long-term commitment..ie…security, and males want sex…and will do whatever it takes to get frequent and easily accessible sex….best advice is putting men in friend-zone first. If more women would do this and close their legs instead of believing the lies of feminism and free sex, more men wouldn’t think there was so much easy sex to be had and would decide to maybe GROW UP finally instead of chasing tail until their 60 and cant get it up anymore…THEN they want marriage so she can take care of his worn-out body in old age…..
I agree on agenda but it can be difficult because we women do have biological clocks that must be considered. It is a difficult balance.
However rushing full steam into a relationship cuz of biological clock is not answer either.
I agree about sex though. I am refusing to have it to marriage because of my beliefs. Added benefit guy sticks around their is a level of seriousness. And he probably won’t want five year sexless relationship.