The Secret Attractor That Makes Men Flock To You
As a dating coach, I see one glaring mistake that most women make while dating.
They have expectations of how their men will act and how they’ll conduct the relationship, and they’re always let down when the man doesn’t “perform” as they want him to. They want to be the girlfriend after the 4th date, they want “I love you” after 3–6 months, and they want a serious commitment (with a ring) by the one-year mark.
Did I mention they’re always disappointed?
Have you been there, and would you like to know a much better way?
How would you like to be a man magnet—and I’m talking about a quality man who can’t wait to claim you and make you his?
What I’m about to share turns women into men magnets, and they’re able to get the commitment and love they want without expectations or disappointment. Men are irresistibly drawn to them because of how carefree and happy they are, and these women are claimed right away.
I call this dating technique passionately detached. It’s simple to describe and simple to do. You are passionately open to all dating possibilities, but you’re not attached to any outcome. You don’t expect anything of your man, and you allow your relationship to unfold naturally and at its own pace, without pushing any kind of agenda.
It really is that simple. You enjoy the moment with him, and you lose that anxiety and uncertainty that you suffer through any time you hold expectations. You appreciate him for who he IS, not who you wish he were. You relax and let everything progress at its own pace, without trying to control the situation.
The first question I’m usually asked is, “Won’t that make me a doormat?”
Absolutely not. It actually empowers you to step back and look at what’s happening through clear eyes. If he’s not participating in the relationship, you’ll see that much sooner if you’re passionately detached than you do now being attached and anxious. You’ll see the red flags immediately so you can decide what you want to do.
And on the other hand, if things are progressing nicely between you and your man, passionate detachment keeps you from screwing things up. You won’t have that awful feeling of not being happy in your relationship, because you’re focusing on what’s right instead of what’s wrong. You won’t stress over every text message, you won’t worry about sex, and you won’t overanalyze what you say.
Life is so much easier when you date this way! You have the power to create the relationship you want by merely allowing it to happen. You’re not attached to any outcomes, so you can let the relationship flow like a river and see where it goes.
So how do you date passionately detached?
First, take a deep breath and realize that it may take a little time to get into the habit of relaxing and letting go of control and expectations. Let him step up and take charge, while you sit back and allow the flow. Certainly, you can change the course of the river occasionally, but don’t do it often. You’re changing the entire way you date, so let yourself go and focus on being happy in the present.
You drop your demands, your “shoulds”, and your expectations. You don’t think about the future or the past, but you live in the moment. I’m not saying you don’t remember the past or plan for the future, but you don’t hang onto past problems or include the man of the moment in your future plans. If he’s there, great. If not, that’s OK too… another man will be.
You keep your mind grounded in the present, and you find ways to appreciate what your man does for you in the now. If he cooks dinner for you, appreciate it. If he compliments you, thank him and leave it at that.
If he brings up future plans, don’t jump on them like a drowning man grabs a life preserver. Accept and move on to the next topic of conversation. You’re not focused on those plans right now, but you are focused on him and what you’re doing with him right now.
Don’t second-guess him, belittle him, or make him feel less-than. Appreciate everything he is as a man. When a man is in a relationship that has CAARS (companionship, acceptance, appreciation, respect and sex), he’ll be all yours. A man cannot resist a happy woman who gives him all he wants and needs.
In return, he’ll give you more than you ever thought possible, and much more than you need. Try dating passionately detached today… you’ll not only enjoy your man for what and who he is, but you’ll also be calmer and less uptight about where things are going.
****clap***clap***clap!! Bravo Jonathon! Excellent article. Way to explain this! Thank you. Very helpful. xo
Hi Johnathon, Great article thanks!
This brings up a question i have. I see the value in being PD and use it in my dating life. The one thing I do, do, is be very honest at the beginning about my looking for long term partnership. I said to the man I am currently seeing,on our second date, that I will not continue to date anyone whom I dont see long term potential with. I told him I’m in no hurry, but I also wont stick around if it becomes clear we are not a match. He is looking for the same thing and we are getting along famously and most definatley falling in love! Is this a contradiction to your advice? Really hope to hear your thoughts on this!
Michelle,
That’s a GREAT question. The first principle concept of PD is to be passionate and open. Being open to the adventure and possibilities without fear allows you to explore this journey with him and allow the unfolding to happen naturally. Being detached to an outcome avoids the pressure of having an agenda which often stifles men because it constricts their need for freedom. Men in love, I mean really in love will claim their woman… it may not be at the same time table as her, but for the woman without an agenda, he will claim her when it’s on his terms and not hers.
Johnathon,
Thanks so much for replying!
In my case, I stated early what I am looking for right up front, which is an agenda of sorts. So, to your point, would the agenda that I am letting go of, be…. HE has to be “The One”? (I am very clear I dont know the answer to that yet, just exploring with him the possibility)
How many women do you know who thought he was the one are now saying boy did I make a mistake? The bodies are buried with the women who have jumped in too quickly before true commitment has been formed.
Yes, let go of the he has to be the one and just date, get to know him and allow him the space to prove he’s worthy of your love and affection. Every relationship is a teaching lesson, especially those that don’t go the distance. When you’re PD, your life is more balanced when it come to love and relationships which allows for a more natural unfolding. Good luck and sending smiles.
I hear what you’re saying but it’s so hard to do! At first you want to be at your best, right? Not like acting unnaturally, but the best version of yourself. And then after things get as little more comfortable you can kind of let things go on their own and see what happens. I think there is a lot of wisdom in what you’re saying, I just hope I am strong enough to follow through with it!
Another amazing article Jonathon! For some reason it’s so amazing to me that a man is able to speak in a way that is so easy to understand for a woman. I wish my husband could do that :p Please keep up these encouraging and educational posts!
Jonathon, I am a self-admitted control freak, how in the world can I just let of the relationship and let it happen on its own? It’s not that I don’t see where you’re coming from, it’s just that when I imagine myself actually taking the steps to follow your advice I think I would screw it up by trying to control everything??!?
I’m a big fan of not having an agenda for a relationship and letting it run its course. I think PD is an excellent state of mind going into relationships. However, my question is – when does it end? I’ve been together with a man for a year and half, and it’s going well. I know I’d marry him if he asked, but I’m in no hurry and am placing no demands. I want someone who makes their own choice about me. He makes casual comments about our future together, and jokingly quips “we’re not getting outta this alive.” I thought we were on the same page. There is a point in a relationship where we NEED to look towards our future together. He’s made plans to move abroad and I’m at a loss. I think I deserve to be included in his plans, or at least considered. He doesn’t do long distance, he doesn’t want to get married right now, and I’m not able to find work in this foreign country. I suppose I’m just going to be left when it’s time for him to go. He’s unilaterally made this decision, and he mentioned it’s because I don’t seem to have plans of my own. I haven’t made any because I’ve been keeping my options open for him. I think being passionately detached can easily lead to you being a convenient relationship that allows the man to be emotionally satisfied when together but free of guilt when leaving.
This is exactly how I was when I first started dating my bf. He would bring up the future, kids, living together. Not me. Now after almost 3 years of knowing him, 2.5 of bf/gf he’s created distance, seeing me less, making excuses. Guess he realized he wasn’t ready for what he was being led up to.
p.s. I’ve always gone into my serious relationships with the ” I’m not expecting anything” mentality
Ok I know this is an old article, but I did EXACTLY this with this guy I was seeing for 2 months, I would say I was almost too relaxed and detached. He would apologise often if he wrote late from a busy day or something and I would always say, ‘you have work and are busy and it’s not a problem’ etc etc. Well he started detaching a few weeks ago and on Sunday called me up to say he was gutted but his feelings had changed and he didn’t know why and it had made him sick and he’d had this feeling in the pit of his stomach etc. The only thing I did say that when we decided to sleep wth each other, exclusivity was part of the package and he agreed. I’m now confused and in pain as I liked him and did everything I was meant to do and he told me often that I just needed to carry on being myself and he was falling for me.
I actually disagree with this article some. I think the key is letting go of the expectation of who is right for you. But stating your needs, desires, being authentic and being real are necessary and not caring what their reaction is. If they are meant to stay they will. It’s about trusting the right person is out there and being confident in that and letting go of who that is, no attachment to a specific person. Issue is we end up settling if we don’t state our needs and goals. That’s actually more fear based. “They may not like me if I say this and that or want this and that”. So what? They aren’t right anyway are they!? The key is not to attract more men like society says today, it’s to attract the RIGHT fit and be yourself fearlessly without attachments to who will be that fit. This is how you don’t waste time and attract the best match. But it takes a lot of self love and confidence to have that courage to do so. It took me a lot of self work and a lot of faith what’s out there for me existed to date that way.
I like this! I like to switch the narrative as well. Besides sec being exclusive, I don’t lay out a ton of agenda except my agenda, and what I am doing with my life.
I treat the men like they are auditioning for the part, and going slow may be hard, but I find it more rewarding in unfolding their true nature.
That way if I assess things are going great or not, they either made the cut or didn’t.
Also one big mistake women make when getting emotionally invested is they put him on the top of the priority list.
Keep your focus on your hobbies and goals beyond work!
He just a friend in your life, not your whole life.
Enjoy!!!
Hi Jonathan!
I find in reading this article that I practice many of the aspects of “passionately detached” in the initial stages of relationship, letting them initiate, expressing appreciation and respect and indeed men flock to it. However, in era where sex often happens early (seriously most of the men I meet think 3-5 dates is a long wait) this premise seems to ignore that natural attachment process I and many women experience on a biological level. Usually this sets in between 1-3 months for me. However, what I have encountered in now four consecutive dating relationships is that we break up at the three month mark, usually because “You are incredible and you really fascinate me, but I’m just not ready for a commitment.” “Something is missing.” ” I love you, but I’m not in love with you.” ” I’m really enjoying our relationship but I’m not in love with you and I don’t if I could be.” Usually followed by an equally confusing set of contradictory statements and actions, desire from them to maintain some kind of close friendship, and my saying some version, “that’s OK, Im disappointed to hear that you are feeling uncertain but I understand that we arent on the same page and I want to be with somebody whose excited and ready to be with me.” After several of these experiences I’m more inclined to cut off contact after a relationship then remains friends since at this point I’m usually feeling more attached and wanting a relationship. I do my best to be a proactive communicator and to manage expectations, but that doesn’t negate the attachment or disappointment I feel when its time to let go of the next guy when I’m at a point that I can no longer continue with “no expectations”
Are there any things I should be looking for to determine if a man is ready for a committed relationship early on or ways that I could be handling this stage of uncertainty with men differently?
Going through this process is exhausting and I’m tired of spending so much energy on new relationships.
I do think detachment is important but I think some of it is just about also being willing to look at a situation and walk. This person is into me. Okay not right one. It protects our hearts emotionally.