6 Signs He’s Doing A Slow Disappearing Act
As your Guy Spy into the Male Mind, I’m here to spill men’s secrets, and here comes one that irritates me to no end… the slow fade. This isn’t something all men do—only boys do this, and I wanted to tell you about it so you know it’s NOT YOU. It’s him.
If this happens to you, don’t take it personally.
But unfortunately, it is a part of dating and something that can happen.
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So what do I mean when I say “slow fade”?
Maybe you can relate to this.
You’ve been seeing each other for 3–6 weeks. Maybe you’ve had several great dates, and perhaps you’ve had sex. Then he slowly disappears from the relationship—he fades away like fog lifting.
For the first week or so of the slow fade, you might not notice anything. Then it gradually dawns on you that he’s not as attentive as he was a couple weeks ago.
Here are a few signs that he’s doing the slow fade:
- He’s distant during sex and leaves as soon as he can afterward.
- He used to respond to all your texts, but now he replies only a couple times a week.
- He sounds excited to see you, but he always seems to be too busy to meet. He’s vague about everything.
- He makes excuses to avoid seeing, texting, or calling you.
- He’s hesitant to make any future plans, often saying something like, “I need to check my work schedule” or “I think my parents are coming to town this weekend.”
- After a few weeks of this annoying behavior, he disappears from your life completely, leaving you to wonder what happened.
And how do you act and feel during the fade?
- You worry about him—is he sick, is he swamped at work, or is your cell phone losing calls and texts?
- You fret that you had sex too soon.
- You start analyzing everything you’ve done or said during the relationship to see where it went wrong.
- You drive your friends crazy asking them to do the analyzing after you come up with nothing.
- You try to be cool about it, but you know something is wrong.
- You wish he’d just tell you he doesn’t want to be with you.
This is not about you—this is about him and his lack of maturity.
Here’s what happened: he was seeing you for a number of weeks and the chemistry was intense, like a rocket ship taking off. Then the chemistry faded, and he realized he didn’t want to continue the relationship… but he’s not sure he wants to give up the sex just yet. He feels guilty about wanting to end it but also wanting to have sex with you, so he slowly pulls away. He doesn’t want to be the bad guy, but he sure is acting like one.
Like I said before, men don’t do this. Boys do. And while it’s painful to experience, and it’s not your fault, a slow fade in the early stages is much better than any kind of fade later on. Yes, it sucks, but the slow fade now saves you from bigger heartbreak down the road.
Make no mistake: the slow fade means he is done. Take it for what it is, and move on. Be glad you know now that he’s not a guy you want to be with; he’s a coward. This is why I advise my clients not to give away their hearts in the first three or four months of a relationship—this is very common male behavior and is a normal part of dating.
The slow fader isn’t trying to be an insensitive jerk; he’s just immature and can’t rip off the band-aid and tell you what’s going on. Here’s the difference between a man and a boy: a man will tell you up front he doesn’t want a relationship as soon as he realizes it, while a boy will do the slow fade.
The slow fader may want to keep you around as a friend, but for whatever reason, he’s decided not to pursue a relationship with you. Instead of manning up and telling you, he takes the coward’s way out—but he thinks he’s being kinder by slowly slinking away instead of being honest with you. He activates his escape clause.
Men over 40 always introduce potential escape routes early on in dating, and women do it too. Escape routes or escape clauses are our easy outs in case things don’t work out, and they’re normally emotional baggage or unfinished business. It’s actually an excuse he can bring up to get out of seeing you.
He will casually mention his escape route early in the relationship, and you may not notice it when he says it, but it’s there… almost like a security blanket. For example, men who are not legally divorced and/or having trouble with their exes use that as an escape route.
Other common escape routes include:
- “I’m not ready for a relationship.”
- “I’m having trouble at work, and I have to put in extra hours.”
- “My kids don’t want me seeing anyone.”
- “I thought we were just friends.”
- “I’m having money problems.”
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While it may be infuriating and hurtful, the slow fade could come at any point, but it normally happens in the first couple of months. The good news here is that he’s freed you to find a real man who wants to be with you.
The slow fade is part of dating, and it’s going to happen to you at some point, so be prepared. A guy who does that to you is someone you don’t want to be with anyway. This is all the more reason to date passionately detached. Don’t let yourself become too invested in any guy until he proves he’s worth your heart. Be cautiously optimistic rather than allowing yourself to go all-in.
And if the slow fade happens to you, be grateful the cowardly schmuck showed his true colors and say, “Next!”
This definitely works both ways for sure. I was on the other side of it not too long ago. And, yes I have been guilty of it too in the past. Fortunately I have “grown up” since then.
Even though you target women, your articles are always worth reading.
“Instead of manning up and telling you, he takes the coward’s way out—but he thinks he’s being kinder by slowly slinking away instead of being honest with you. He activates his escape clause.” Precisely Jonathon. U hit the nail on the head. That ex of mine was indeed a coward. Boys do this, yep, u are right. Indeed. A respectable man will tell u upfront that he doesn’t want a relationship but the boys will just do the slow fade and then eventually disappear. What my ex did could be classified as the slow fade as I couldn’t reach him sometime for a few days and other times I couldn’t reach him for a week and then he disappeared altogether. He did have baggage-his divorce was unfinished so he activated his escape clause.
what refreshing pragmatism ! it helps a lot to hear about that “foggy” behaviour, helps to really put it into perspective. Thank you.!!
Yup – well said! Protect yourself with passionate detachment until you find out if you are with a boy or a man! It takes a little time to determine that and in the meantime, as JA says, “passionate detachment.”
Thanks Barbara… *smiles*
Theirs a man I spoke to once, he lives in my local area and must have known me as he knew were abouts I live.
When I saw him again, he chatted me up and wanted to take me for a drink so I said ok but the problem was I knew by his actions that he was hoping for a booty call when he doesn’t have anything better to do, so when he text me again after the first time I met him, I said I would meet him and then had to cancel my plans anyway. A few weeks later he tried to meet me again so I thought to myself, no I’m not even going to waste my time so I told him I have a boyfriend.
He still text every so often but I practically blank him for days, and do nothing other than respond to what he’s said with a follow up question.
How I could read his intentions is that he didn’t put much to any effort into as a person, he would text the same day and want to me, without taking any interest other than that.
When I cancelled the second time he wanted to meet, he messaged me back weeks, weeks, later. Those are not the actions of a person of genuine interest, a genuinely interested person would say something along the lines of, ok, maybe we could meet the day after or next weekend, that kind of thing but texting back much later is saying, I have nothing better to do with my time now/it’s your turn now, your in the line up to be my booty call for the night.
I’ve been dating a guy for about 5 months. I just turned 41 and he’s 44. He has two kids from his previous marriage (I’ve not met them.). He freaked out on me about a month or so ago, but we talked about things and had a great weekend together…then it happened again the week of Thanksgiving. So, the week after, I ask what was going on and I get this: I’m having a hard time with some things. Not sure where my head is. I need some time. It’s not you, I’m just feeling strange about things. Family issues over the weekend, money, the kids. I’m kind of a wreck and just need some time.
His ex is a beast, he does have money & family issues. What I’m concerned about is that the first freak out entailed a decent conversation with him expressing that he was concerned that we were moving too fast (not sure where that came from) and that he’s putting pressure on himself about me meeting his kids (I never have). So, I’ve had a rough week (family issues) and I texted him about my Mom being in the hospital, he responded right away. He was also the first person to wish me a happy birthday yesterday.
Going from talking/texting every day to this is hard to swallow. If he’s going to break up with me…just flippin’ do it already.
I’m not sure if, what I’m going thru is the slow disappearing act or not.
We met thru friends at a party, he is friends even with members of my family. We’ve been going out for almost 5 weeks but haven’t seen each other for the last 2.
Things went like this:
He pursued me, we went on dates twice a week, until 2 weeks ago. We had sex after our fifth date almost 3 weeks after meeting each other. He texted me every morning good morning, he would even ask for a picture of myself everyday and text things like your beautiful etc.
He would send pics of his kids, at sports events etc.
He called me 2-3 days a week. He introduced me to his best friend (went out for dinner) and another client friend at a lunch. he said he was so much into me, he liked me, he didn’t feel like this since high school. He took me to a nice beach place for my birthday and spent our first sleep over. On the other hand… I never called him first, only returned missed call, never answer his texts right away, little times I was the one initiating texting and in the cases he didn’t answer never asked why or what happened. I only tell him I like him after 4 weeks and told him I missed him after he did… never ask him where he is or stuff like that, he always asked me about what I did when we were not together, we were very god together, always holding hands, kissing, hugging even in public. The only thing that I feel off right now is that we haven’t seen each other in 2 weeks, he was overwhelm with work, and then he has to go on a business trip. He stopped sending the usual good mornings , only did twice a week but he called more often, to see what I was doing. I always answered very cool, chat for a while and didn’t asked about not seeing him or when I would get to see him… he said he miss me and is been very busy and that was it… my question is: he is not as strong as he was but he is still making efforts to show me interest.. What do you think? I only initiated texting twice in this 2 weeks and he always answered right away… Do you think he is slowing disappearing? or what? I hope this helps somebody else too… thank you very much in advance (we are in our fortys)…
Definitely not, he is just busy but this does not sound like someone pulling the disappearing act because he is still reaching out to you and still interested in how your day is going etc.
I’m so interested in the outcome of your situation! This is exactly my current relationship. Can I have an update please! I worry about what I should do from this point on.
My bf if over 2.5 years is doing this to me now. He is moody and has had his occasional “I don’t want to talk to anyone” moments but they’ve lasted a few days at most. I alwats gave him the benefit of the doubt and always respected his space. Now its been over 2 months since he’s stayed the night and just about that sane amount of time since we last had sex (we typically see each other only once a week). He went through some stressful times with his home and an issue w his dogs. Very overwhelmed and doesn’t handle it easily. Now its been two weeks since I have seen him. Im almost always initiating contact. I recently found out he was at a party w his boys when he said he was working. I never have a problem with that – why lie? Maybe he’s acting out. I don’t know.
Simple: if he’s not texting frequently and he used to….he’s disappearing. If he’s not asking you out, he’s disappearing. If he doesn’t want sex…..HE IS DISAPPEARING.
Well my situation is similar, the only difference is that we have been having an affair for 3 years and we are both married. He calls me at work every day and we talk all day long we also see each other when he is available since my job is more flexible than his. He recently started working for a different company, and his normal behavior regarding calls has changed because with this new company he has to be on the phone more often. I felt so pathetic when I caught myself actually writing down when he would call me and when he didn’t, to see if there was a pattern in his behavior. I threw that paper away and was really upset at myself. Two weeks ago he called me on Monday, we spoke fine he was acting like he would all the time. I didn’t hear from him again that week. The following Monday he called me like if nothing was wrong and I asked him what happened to him that he disappeared the week before. He had a simple answer that pissed me off really bad… he was very “busy”. I went off on him (which I shouldn’t have done that) and told him he has no obligation in telling me what he was doing, nor does he have the obligation in calling me every day, the problem is I found it weird because I was not use to that from him. That Monday he was pure sugar, and if for some reason I wouldn’t answer his call during the day he was freaking out and thought I was mad. That day before I left work he asked me to see each other that afternoon and I said I couldn’t, even if I was dying to see him I didn’t give in. so he said that Wednesday we were going to meet up how we do here and there. I said ok we will talk then. Unbelievable in my eyes but true… he didn’t call for the rest of the week and until today I have not heard from him. Now I’m really pissed but don’t want to show him the day he calls back if he ever does. What should I do and how should I act? Is he trying to tell me something? Like he doesn’t want to continue with this relationship? Or he doesn’t like me and doesn’t know how to say it? Please give me your opinion. Thank you so much.
In all honestly, I prefer for a guy to be vividly upfront and honest to say he’s not looking for a relationship but would like to have sex and go out on occasion. The part that’s upsetting is when the guy misleads you to think he is interested in having a more intimate relationship with you when he truly is not ready to do so. It’s always best to be honest and upfront about your intentions.
I met a guy about six months ago, we both were very clear that we were not interested in being in a committed relationship. Things were great at the beginning but we ended up having sex, I mean the kind of sex that burns through your soul and makes you cry (cosmic like). We have certainly developed a certain level of intimacy and care for each other; I am totally fine with feeling emotions for him. However, if I tell him I miss him he disappears for several days than resurfaces; once he even apologized for not responding for several days. The ironic part is, he also tells me he misses me and I am accepting of his emotions towards me. But it seems to freak him out when I share my feelings with him; I don’t get that – how can a man at 41 be emotional immature like a boy. My response to his behavior is no response at all. If that’s how he wants to respond when someone shares their feelings with him, then it is his right to do so. I do not send multiple messages asking him what’s wrong or why he hasn’t replied, I just give him space and go on with my daily life.
my situation is heartbreaken and confusing. i was recently going two years from a9yrs long relationship it took almost two yrs to get over but then i joined tinder and meet this incredible guy, kale as of September 28, kale from the started sending me txts and calling me like crazy and i was sort of slow with it being cautious as per i never really did online dating and once we meet on October 10th we hit it off instantly once we saw eachother, he held my hand, he sat next to me in restaurants, he gave kisses throughout our dates, we feed eachother and exchanged multiple words, txts, and calls of interest and passion for eachother then weeks went by and now November we did have intimacy and not once or twice but the third time he spent the night and exchanged interest and caring words to me and also that same night sent me a lovely txt like a poem and it was romantic, he didn’t just leave after intimacy he spent the night cuddling and the next day Wednesday we exchanged txts that we couldn’t stay away from eachother and the next day Thursday he completely we ghost on me and he will not answer my txts and or call. it has been one week yesterday and im devastated and heart broken. it’s confusing because that Saturday we were supposed to drive down to beach together the day we waited for and he disappeared and haven’t heard back, today is a week and day he went completely ghost on me and it’s confusing because he didn’t slowly fade out and that tuesday we were with eachother so someone PLEASE HEALP as per im DEVASTATED AND HEARTBROKEN! im so confused 🙁
Thank you, Lu
Well he eventually txt back or come back with excuses? im not used to this and it’s very devastating. He even talked about a future together, kids and me and my daughter moving into his home he is purchasing in February 🙁
No. He’s gone. Get over it. Probably because you have a daughter. Give up on relationships. Honestly you sound annoying and clingy and that’s probably why he left.
I’m so interested in the outcome of your situation! This is exactly my current relationship. Can I have an update please! I worry about what I should do from this point on.
George, you sound like a total asshole!!
Haha. He does!! George the Gerk!
This article seems pretty old but I’m going through this right now I started seeing her hanging out with a guy back in September of last year he has two children he just got a divorce I think he’s been divorced maybe a year or two and he’s online and I’m mad and we hung out and we hung out a lot in the beginning we really didn’t talk on the phone it’s mostly through text that we communicated and we would talk on the phone like right before dates so it’s already been 9 months and I didn’t see him at all last month not one single date and the texts are slow down to and it’s in June now and he has just I mean been vague and not really saying much we were supposed to hang out and he said that he was hanging out with one of his friends from out of town on Memorial Day I sent him a text he didn’t say anything back stunt said anything back to this text and then I guess I asked him was he okay and he sent this text that he was busy and all these things were going on so I don’t know if he’s doing too damn slow fade or he just is going through something I’m really annoyed