From Forever to Forgotten: Why Men Suddenly Disappear
You swore for the tenth time you’d never fall for it again… but you did. Dammit, you fell and fell hard.
You meet him, and there are instant fireworks. You fall into his eyes, and you feel safe in his arms. You cannot believe how easy he is to be with, and the chemistry is off the charts. The soul connection is like no other, and the sex is the best you’ve ever had. This man has to be the one. Finally, you’ve found him, and you thank your lucky stars he’s so amazing.
The relationship takes off like a rocket flying into space, leaving you breathless and floating on cloud nine. You hit it off in every way: physically, intellectually, emotionally, and spiritually. You can’t believe this connection, and you both say it’s magical. You spend all your free time together and still can’t get enough of each other.
It’s meant to be, and you know he’s your soul mate. This is a once-in-a-lifetime occurrence. This relationship is everything you ever wanted and then some. You never believed in love at first sight, but now everything has changed… you know it happens, and your relationship is proof!
The texts are flying fast and furious, and the affirmations of love build by the minute. You’re seeing each other constantly, and the sex keeps getting more amazing. You want to introduce each other to family and friends. You’re both talking about vacations, family holidays, living together, and even marriage. This feels like a fairytale come true.
Until… the bomb drops six weeks into the relationship.
All of a sudden, he’s GONE. Out of the blue, he disappeared. No loving texts. No calls. No word. NOTHING. He professed his love, and now he’s forgotten you. But you can’t forget him.
You’re dumbfounded, stunned, shocked. You feel like a dagger was thrust into your heart. You go from intense sadness and tears one minute to raging anger the next. How DARE he leave you, the one he was going to move mountains to love and cherish? The one he was going to live with, marry, and have children with?
How could he do this to you?
Then the anxiety, guilt, second guessing, and self-criticism start. You ask yourself all the questions: Why did this happen? Did I have sex too soon? Was I pushy? Were there signs? What did I do wrong? Was I duped? Did I fall for a player?
You feel like the biggest fool in the world, and you’re still hurting from losing him. You wonder if you’ll ever have those same feelings again.
And you still wonder what happened, so you can make damn sure it never happens again.
There’s a simple answer… you fell for the timeless deception of chemistry.
You fell for the oldest drug on the planet. This drug is so powerful that more lives have been ruined and more future relationships have been crushed from this simple little lie.
There is a belief that instant chemistry will lead to forever after. Lust isn’t love. Big promises aren’t love. Infatuation isn’t love. Chemistry isn’t love. From your experience (or your friends’ experiences) how often does amazing off-the-charts chemistry lead to a long-term relationship?
Rarely, and if it does last, it leads to volatile relationships with lots of passion and lots of hurt.
Do you really want that? Nope.
Here’s what happened: the guy rode the roller coaster of chemistry, and then when it started to wear off, he realized for whatever reason he wanted out. Nothing wrong with that, as most relationships don’t last. But instead of seeing you face-to-face and letting you know what he was feeling, his shame at taking you for a ride and not wanting a relationship caused him to flee.
These are the actions of a boy, not a man. A man will be honest with you and let you know what’s going on. If he wishes to stop seeing you, he will let you know.
What should you do if you feel instant chemistry to avoid getting hurt?
- Pace the relationship. Don’t spend all your available time with him. Let him miss you.
- Use the 10-Date Rule. Observe him over at least 10 dates to see what kind of guy he is.
- Always, always date passionately detached. Make sure he’s worthy of your heart (and body) before you give them to him.
- Don’t jump ahead. Live the relationship in the moment, and take your time.
- Don’t have sex unless and until you can handle whatever the outcome might be. If you’re one who bonds quickly or with anxiety, waiting for sex may help you keep this brand-new relationship in perspective.
If he’s the one, he’s going to allow you to pace things. In fact, he will want to let it unfold naturally too. He won’t disappear on you. That man is out there, and he’s waiting for you.
*Please share this post with your friends, so they know how to avoid this painful, entirely too common dating phenomenon. And if you want to learn what men are really thinking when it comes to love, sex and commitment… then you need to Unlock The Male Mind
Jonathon, Once again, you are totally ON with the difference between men and boys and also between love and chemistry. There is so much to learn in all of this and you are a fabulous teacher!! <3
“Let him miss you” This is such a powerful comment. So many times I find myself getting so caught up with news guys that I want to spend every waking second with them. This article helped me to realize that sometimes I just need to let things slow down a little bit and happen in their own time!
This reminds me of the whole infatuation vs. true love debate. If you’re getting all hot and heavy in the first few weeks and then the guys just splits, sounds like it was probably just infatuation on his part, regardless of how you felt about it.
i love how your calling out all the little boys out there who dont know how to treat a real woman the right way! they just go around saying all this stuff making us think there in love and then they’re gone like it was nothing. Jonathon is doing the female world a favor by setting them straight
My perception is it depends on the type of man.
If he’s a player then he was in it to take without giving value back. Some men like to hurt women because it makes them feel like proper men.
Some men probably have good intentions and my intend to follow through with their actions but when the love chemicals wear off, they might think that they’ve fallen out of love but it was never real to begin with.
Maybe it’s to much for some men but I like the if he’s the one he’ll stay around anyway.
This is why I can never take men too seriously and watch people’s behavior and listen to what my body is telling me, the answers always lie within. I’m super sensitive to reading people.
“But instead of seeing you face-to-face and letting you know what he was feeling, his shame at taking you for a ride and not wanting a relationship caused him to flee.
These are the actions of a boy, not a man. A man will be honest with you and let you know what’s going on. If he wishes to stop seeing you, he will let you know.” Exactly so right, Jonathon. You are absolutely right. These guys are players and cowards.
I had this happen to me, but it was with a man I had been with for over a year. It was devastating to have made all these plans for marriage and a family only to have him up and disappear to never be seen again. Once more when I did reach out to him a couple of times just to talk to him to understand what happened he refused to talk to me and was so angry. I’d had no idea what had happened. One day we were planning a wedding the next day he was breaking up with me citing some lame excuse “you have issues” (mind you they were family related things I shared with him at the beginning of the relationship). In two shakes he was in another relationship, which he later subsequently did the same thing in. I learned when they are hot out the gate like that they are definitely infatuated. As soon as the emotional high wears off and you become real, they high tail it the other way.
Yes, yes, yes… It is very hard to let something good or great unfold naturally, but it is AMAZING and unlike anything else. I am thankful for time and space to help us go at a much slower pace than would have happened otherwise. It's been a few months, but due to the distance only 6 periods of time to actually spend together. Since our time has been very concentrated and intense, I think it is even more important that our pace is slowed up. Waiting for sex has probably saved my sanity, I can't imagine how much more of a connection I would feel if we'd have raced ahead sexually. Sad that very few are willing to wait and build real connections. This is spot on!
It also depends on the woman. I had been faced with something fairly similar. Fear steps in and one partner or the other feels the need to run. It may look like one thing, they may say it is for one reason, but fear is at the core. Even fear of something good.
Wow.. i have been totally devasted for the past three years. My ex fiance sent me a I Love You text and then i never hear from him again. Then the other night I was playing on facebook. Out of curiosity I went to his sisters fb page. No we are not fb friends. But somehow i am able to see her page. Anyways, I was scrolling through her friend list. And their he was, married to someone as of a year ago… how do i processed this?? I have dated since he left.. but my heart isn’t in it. Even got engaged to someone else, that turned ugly. So I haven’t been out with a guy since nov 2014. Scared of my own decisions?
Now I understand. The effer was just ‘infatuated’. Used my body, spent all those days telling me how much he ‘loves me’ and blah blah bullshi*, then vanishes, no texting anymore, no care, tells me he doesn’t ‘feel the same anymore’. While I wasted time developing real emotions for this piece of shit he simply wanted to enjoy his hormonal junk and then pretend like even traces of his former so called ‘love’ no longer exists. If you GENUINENLY ‘feel’ for someone, even if that relationship changes or gets less ‘exciting’, you will still ‘feel’ at least a bit of those feelings. It was just a fake stupid infatuation.
Awww Piper. It totally sucks. I know 🙁 there’s a guy I met like 10 months ago. We spent a bit of time together. He looked me in the eyes and said the sweetest things in the world. I was going through a lot in my life at that time, and just hearing the kind things he said, meant the world to me. Anyway he disappeared soon after. We reconnected just about a month ago on LinkedIn, we spoke for a bit. He came on really strong. I did feel it was a bit weird but it also just felt so great. I genuinely really like him and always have. And so here I am again. We haven’t even seen each other yet. Bc I now moved to a different state. He disappeared, yet again. I literally made a vow to myself that I need to just be done with dating in general. I literally didn’t even think he would contact me again but he did. All to just disappear again. I don’t understand this whole thing. He didn’t have to come in strong. We really just could have been friends. Boys are dumb. I hate to say it. But I feel hurt. I feel so stupid. But I have no choice other than to deal with it and move on. Eh
Good god I needed this exact article at this exact moment. Dated for two months. Our initial chemistry was unlike anything I’ve ever experienced. He “loved me” after our first date, was excited just as fast to “put a ring on my finger”, knew exactly where we would build our future amazing life together.
Put me completely at ease with him as well as with myself for the first time. His words were always perfection and sent via text multiple times a day. Our conversations flowed naturally and easily from the first hello. The physical attraction was immediate and extremely intense. The sex was not only the best of my life, but for the first time in my ~39 years I was not anxious, or nervous, or worried about any of my perceived body flaws being seen by him. I’ve never felt more wanted, beautiful, sexy, or safe as I did in his presence.
I willingly shared with him a traumatic story from my past that I’ve never shared before or since and he was almost unbelievably supportive and reassuring that it wouldn’t hurt or relationship and that i could always count on him for support when I needed it.
Promises constantly of forever, that he would never hurt me, that it was safe to fall for him, that he appreciated my vulnerability and would take the responsibility of my heart seriously and with respect and honor. That I was everything and more that he’s ever wanted and would ever need. That it felt incredibly special to him just as it did for me. That he would do whatever it took to make show me he was very serious and totally sincere.
That I would never regret the sacrifices I made to support him emotionally during the final weeks before graduating with his master’s degree, that the time spent apart while he was writing his thesis was not going unnoticed for its difficulty on me and that he would spend the rest of his days making it up to me if I could wait just a little bit longer. That he was doing this for us to better our future life together.
Not once did he flinch when I disclosed my own issues with depression and anxiety. That he was absolutely sure about how he felt about me and that he wanted to marry me as soon as possible because he’ll never want anyone else ever again. Promises to love and respect me for the rest of his life. I was the love of his life just like he was the love of my life.
That when we were apart he missed me so much it hurt. That even though grad school was keeping him very busy he was always thinking about me and about us. THat he would always be good to me. That what we were going to have would be well worth the wait.
That he was perfectly comfortable around me and felt he could always be who he really is around me with no reservations and trusted me completely. That we were meant to be together, he felt very lucky to have me and honored to be my man.
That he knew from his first marriage that he really enjoyed be married and that he knew without a doubt that he wanted that with me. That I could be sure no matter what that he would never break my heart.
That we could explore our sexuality together and I’d never have to worry that he would pressure me into anything I was uncomfortable with, that if I ever suddenly got scared or unsure if I wanted to continue whatever we might be doing that I must tell him immediately so that he could stop.
That the mundane things like grocery shopping and cleaning house were some of what he was most looking forward to doing together, he simply wanted to be with me. Our life was destined to be so happy.
On the couple of occasions he did end up unintentionally hurting me he was never defensive, always willing to say he was wrong and apologize.
That he was an open book and would answer any questions I wanted to ask him about himself. And encouraged me to share as much as I was comfortable with because he wanted to know it all.
He never made me feel like I couldn’t tell him about my most secret fantasies. There was never even a hint of judgement after telling him anything on my mind.
That he loved me flaws and all. And he was aware that his actions while finishing his thesis did not match the words he always used but that it wouldn’t be an issue after finishing school if I would just be willing to keep waiting. But he would also understand if I decided I couldn’t keep waiting because he knew even asking that of me was selfish of him.
That he could never walk away from me and would never let me slip away. That what he wanted more than anything was to marry me and start coming home to me every night. That he didn’t think he could live without me now and would never make me regret falling so hard and fast for him.
That any doubts beginning to creep into my mind would be resolved once I had him by my side all night every night so I knew for certain that he was all mine.
That it was going to be me and him against the world and we would win as long as we had each other. That he was looking forward to just being by my side for the rest of his days.
That until we were together all the time that the only thing he wanted from me, and also what he needed most, was for me to keep loving him, supporting him, and waiting for him. And all he wanted once he graduated was to for us to disappear together for a long weekend. Stay in a nice hotel and never leave the room.
He was truly incredibly grateful when I told him that I understood how hard he was working and that I had a deep respect for his ability to stay focused and accomplish his goals. Even with an occasionally impatient girlfriend waiting on him. He always made sure to thank me for understanding and being willing to give him the time he needed to finish school. That it hadn’t gone unnoticed or unappreciated. And even with everything he was juggling he didn’t forget to wish me luck the morning I started a part time retail job for the holidays.
He told me I had nothing to be scared about, that while things had been difficult we would get through them together and had so much to look forward to. He promised that after submitting his thesis I would see a whole different man. One that focused all of his love, attention, and adoration solely on me.
A week after that it was over. No explanation. Just a text that he was sorry but he couldn’t keep going. When I pressed him he said it was because of all of my “crazy” texts to him. The ones on multiple occasions he asked me specifically to keep sending because he loved hearing from me. That even when he was busy and feeling stressed out or especially low that he appreciated getting them because it showed him just how much I cared about him and how he was doing. Nothing he said during that conversation made sense. And this was all via text and he refused to talk to me face to face.
After that day I never heard from him again. Absolutely nothing. I tried to jump back into dating, set up a new profile on the site where he and I first met. Only to be absolutely devastated to see his new profile pop up as a possible connection to make. Only about 10 days after shattering my heart to pieces.
This article is so spot on. It’s the only thing I’ve read or thought about that gave me any sense of peace whatsoever. Thank you!
I am so sorry that happened to you. I love everything you wrote. I can relate. A lot of this sounds similar to a relationship I’ve experienced except the marriage part. I literally felt with all my heart that this man could be the one. He came on so strong, only to disappear soon after. Everything about him, past present and future just seemed like a man I’ve longed for my entire life. After he disappeared we reconnected months later (3 weeks ago) and again he came on very strong, maybe even impulsive. I did feel the warning signs but assured myself that this time was different because he reassured me that it was. And again, shortly after. He disappeared. I literally felt like he was the man of my dreams and I, the woman of his dreams. I am glad, however that this time we reconnected, I did not see him or make love to him as I have the first time around. Cause I do know, I would have been so much more hurt than I am right now and if he shall ever enter my life.. I vow to myself that I will not tag along to his impulsive feelings and I will only be a friend and I will not sleep with him until he can prove he is trust worthy enough because at this point I do not trust him.
WOW this literally just happened to me, almost word for word. I’m a slow mover and don’t fall hard or fast but wow I did. Very much feeling like damn if I do damn if I don’t. He disappeared on me at Christmas just a week or so ago. We had plans, he wanted me to meet his family and do all these things together and we always spoke on the phone many times throughout the day. He suddenly stopped calling and sent me these bizarre texts that were not black and white, very ambiguous. It’s been pulling teeth to get anything out of him and he’s totally m.i.a. My head is still spinning, I’m usually good about these types of things. He got me good.
Keep your legs closed. The only way to avoid being taken for a ride, used and discarded, is to refrain from ALL SEX outside of marriage.
That’s not the issue. It’s 2020.