Move from Casual to Committed by Saying This to Him
Dear Jonathon,
I’m afraid it’s happening again. I’m kinda-sorta in a relationship with a guy and doing everything I can for him—I really take care of him. We’ve been together for about six months (just dating), and I want more. I want to be his girlfriend.
We do everything a boyfriend and girlfriend do—have sex, spend a lot of time together, and we even have keys to each other’s houses. Yet he’s never made anything official, so I know he’s not my boyfriend. But I don’t want to be doing the casual dating thing six months from now—I want a committed relationship with him. How do I do that?
My mom says don’t bring it up and just let him take things at his own pace. My girlfriends say I need to tell him right now that I want the title, or I’m leaving. (They’re all single or divorced, so I don’t know if their advice is any good.) There has to be a better way than either of those, and I’ve already tried telling a previous guy I dated what I wanted, and he walked away. Help!
Stacie
Dear Stacie,
Right now, you’re in a pretend relationship… you pretend he’s your boyfriend. But as you correctly said, he hasn’t made anything official, so you know you’re not his girlfriend. That’s smart.
First, I want to congratulate you on your patience and easygoing way. Most women would’ve been climbing the walls after a month or two. You were right to hold off having “the talk.” Far too often, women jump the gun and scare men away. But you’ve been acting like a girlfriend for six months, so I can understand you want to know if this is going anywhere.
Second, good for you not taking the advice you’ve already received. I mean nothing against your mother or your girlfriends, but their recommendations aren’t the same as I would make. I tell women not to take advice from anyone who’s not already in a good relationship.
What do you do now?
First, realize that he may assume you’re his girlfriend now. Or he might not realize that’s what you want. Some men can be pretty obtuse about that stuff.
Second, know that you are taking a risk by initiating “the talk.” A man who is relationship ready will have no problems talking about it, but a boy will run. Be prepared for that to happen. You’ll want to be passionately detached here—say what you need to say, and then detach from any particular outcome.
Third, make sure he knows there is a win in this for him. You win by getting a committed relationship, but what does he get? Will it be more time with you, more sex, a happier you? Moving from casual to committed should be a win-win for both of you, and when you talk to him, you’ll want to make his win clear to him.
With that out of the way, here’s what you do:
You let him know what you’re looking for without making him wrong for not giving you the title. Find him when he’s in a good mood and seems open to talking. DON’T say anything that resembles “We need to talk.” That puts men on the defensive right away. Just bring it up casually when you know he’s listening and receptive. Say this, and then stop. Don’t go any farther.
“You know, I’ve had a great time getting to know you over the last six months, and I really enjoy being with you. I’m looking for a committed relationship and I just want to know where you’re at. I get the sense that may not be what you’re looking for right now, even though you’d (talk about his win here, briefly!).”
Be quiet, give it two seconds to see if he says anything right away, and then move on to do something else. Don’t stand there or stare him down. Just toss it off very casually and move on with your life. His reaction will tell you all you need to know. It may shock him for a moment, so don’t worry too much if he doesn’t come after you immediately.
However, after he’s had a little while to process what’s going on, his reaction will speak volumes about his character. Does he give you a reply or does he ignore what you said, as if he wishes it never happened? Does he tell you that he’s not sure what he wants, or does he tell you he’s ready to take things to the next level?
Again, be prepared for whatever might happen. He may be all in, which is great, or he may not be ready yet. That’s when you’ll need to decide whether you wish to continue seeing him and giving him a little more time. Weigh your options if you feel he’s not there yet, but please don’t let his reaction deter you from seeking the love you deserve.
If he’s not the one, someone else is.
Good luck!
This is a really great reminder for me to “chillax”… It is great we are going slow, we have had a lights on conversation and agreed we both want to wait for sex…thank God! I’ve heard before, the “slower you go, the faster you’ll get there, but it is hard sometimes! When I do relax and lean back, he comes forward very time 🙂
this article is perfect,..i been seeing him for about 5 months now and was thinking of having the talk at six months, on my last relationship i waited around for about a year, he finaly asked me to be his girlfriend and a year later we broke up because i found out he had been talking and going out and with other girls and girls he had had a “thing” with, he obviously wasnt ready to be in a relationship, unfortunatly i failed to trust my gut insticts and see the sign during the first year what a waste of time….my question is what would be somthing i can say where he would feel its a win-win?
I agree, what are wins for the guy? Right now, he sees us spending time and doing things together all the way into September… I have read another article that also says not to “bring up the talk”…
Dear Jonathon
I have a question very personal to ask, but I don’t feel as asking it in public. Is there any email of place where I can ask my question, or is there any other way to contact you for an advice?
Thanks a lot
Amisha
I was so guilty of chasing, wanting more, and having “the talk” without ever recognizing that I got attached way too soon, and never allowing our relationship to just flow naturally. All of these things led to him pulling away, (6 times within a year). Deep down I knew his love for me was there, but I just had to hear him say it to move on to the next level. I never realized that not letting him go at his own pace was selfish on my part. He was emotionally and psychologically damaged by a marriage of 13 years that led to divorce after she left him for another man, and after that a one year relationship with a woman who left him after she became pregnant, and only 2 days later she ended up moving in with another man. All of this tied in with prior childhood emotional issues caused him to become emotionally distant and afraid of being hurt by those he’s considered a possible love interest. I was unaware of those issues and discovered them through a family member of his. Almost 2 years of hiding those issues because of embarrassment he finally became vulnerable, and let me into his world. After my discovery, I learned so much about loving myself first, giving him space to process his emotions, learning to let things flow, and most of all learning to love without expectation, and judgment. After a year and a half of showing him I could be trusted, how I held no selfish expectations, and no judgment; the man I fell in love with told me he loved me. We’ve continue our relationship slowly, openly, and honestly with a foundation based on friendship, and I couldn’t be happier.
Wow so you waited for him to commit all that time without leaving the relationship and dating somebody else?
I love this comment im in the same boat. 14months in and hes taking it very slow. He knows i want to move it forward but he needs a bit of time. Hes very serious about me but hes damaged from previous controlling relationships. I have never heard the phrase “to love without expectation” before and it really clicked with me. This is what i need to do. Thank you for the encouragement i needed to hear xx
Dear Jonathan,
I’ve been dating this guy for a month and all we have done is hug and hold hands. We are officially dating and even my family knows but I really want to kiss him I feel like he is the one but it’s moving really slow what should I do??
Fantastic insight. Great article!
This article misses the mark on many levels. The particular part which I disagree with is asking ‘what’s in it for the other half?’ Why should a woman be expected to give ‘more sex’ or to ‘be happier’ if she just wants an offical relationship? A relationship isn’t just for the woman. You’re implying a man won’t commit unless he is provided with something, that there’s something more in it for him. A woman owes a man nothing. This is terrible advice and a very outdated and misogynistic view.
All committed relationships have a sense of “mutual exchange” in them because it’s rare that two people are so perfectly aligned and my point is merely to find out from your partner want do they want most from a committed relationship to decide if it even makes sense to move forward. Each person has their own needs and while I shared an example, there are so many more things I could have written.