Do You Really Know the Person You’re Sleeping With?

When it comes to sex and dating, my belief is that you are a grownup and can make grown-up choices. That includes when to start having sex with someone you’re seeing.

Deciding when to have sex is a source of anxiety and confusion for many women for several reasons. The beliefs they were raised with, past experiences, their own expectations for sex and relationships, fear of the man leaving after sex, and worries about contracting STDs are just a few of the concerns you may have.

Women often try to pin down the “right” time for sex, but it’s not that simple, which can be frustrating. Every relationship is different, and every couple follows its own path and creates its own journey. If you’ve always followed the 90-day rule, for example, some men may bolt long before then.

And that may be a good thing anyway.

But do you really need to stick to an arbitrary timeline? I’ve never believed in a time limit as to when to have sex; however, for your safety, peace of mind, and health, I do believe you should know whom you’re sleeping with, and I highly doubt you truly know someone in a few dates.

How much can you really know about someone in just a few hours spent together? Sure, there are all those texts and Facebook chats too, but the only way to really know someone is to take your time and spend your time together. Part of dating is observing and analyzing whether this man is worth your company, your body, and your feelings. Only time will do that for you, so don’t shortcut yourself.

My 10-Date Rule protects you from getting too involved too soon with a man. I know most women will have sex within those 10 dates, but the longer you can wait, the better you’ll get to know him. And waiting a little bit will help you determine what his intentions are and whether he plans to be exclusive with you.

Of course, if you’re just looking for a casual or one-time fling, waiting to find out if he wants to be exclusive isn’t going to be a priority, but I still strongly encourage you to get to know him before you have sex, simply for your safety.

Personally, I believe if you’re going to have sex with someone more than once, it should be exclusive. You should have some kind of understanding that you’ll be monogamous with each other. There should be a connection that goes past the physical attraction.

Often, women decide to take a “test drive” before exclusivity because they want to know they’re sexually compatible before they commit to him. This is fine, as many men will not commit before sex, but I wonder if they ever feel they’re selling themselves short.

Speaking as a man, sex was always much better with a woman I had gotten to know first. Those were the women I typically created a relationship with. Those I slept with before I got to know them weren’t likely candidates to be my girlfriend—not because we had sex quickly, but because the connection hadn’t been established.

The longer you wait (without going too long, and you’ll know what that is), the better you’ll know him and the more secure you’ll be with your decision to have sex. When you value yourself and wait, he will value you more too.