Where are all the good men?
The most consistent complaint I hear from midlife women about dating and meeting a mate is that there are no good men out there. They state that most men in their age bracket are damaged, want younger women or only want sex.
Many of these women are frustrated, and have given up on finding love.
Some of these women just don’t get asked out at all and have decided it’s just not worth the effort. They may think It’s too painful to put themselves out there since online dating doesn’t work, or that all men are just commitment phobes which has lead to unhappiness for so many.
Here’s what’s puzzling to me: each day people are meeting and falling in love all over the world. Relationships are happening everywhere, everyday and in every way. If falling in love or being in relationship is too painful, then why would anyone bother?
Why does it seem that some women succeed in meeting good men while others attract the jerks? Do happy women in relationships know something that the unhappy single ones don’t?
First, stay positive. If you spend a lot of time complaining about the sad state of affairs, stop now. While it’s definitely easier to complain than make positive changes, the latter is going to help you release that positive vibe that will attract other positive people.
Consider the law of attraction..if you are consistently attracting jerks, take a respite from dating and do some inner work. You tend to attract men who are in the same space as you. When you have a strong sense of your value and worth, that’s what you are going to project outwards.
Learn to set boundaries and stay in your power, in a loving and gentle way. That way you don’t waste time with the wrong person. When wanting a relationship is a part of your life and not the major focus, you might be surprised at the good guys who suddenly show up.
Learn to be happy on your own, and trust that the right man will show up when the time is right.
He’s so into you..until he’s not. Why did he just pull away and disappear? If you’ve found yourself in this situation a few times, you’ll love my audio program Why Men Pull Away. You’ll learn how to know a flight risk when you meet him and the secrets to getting him to want to stay close.
We’d love to see you at our Facebook community for ongoing support and conversation!
Why should ANY man burden himself with a woman ?!
A good man nowadays has 2 (or maybe 3) jobs and an apartment. Not rich, but not living on the dole, or sleeping on a park bench. A guy who works for a living, and has some sort of career ambition. A man who shows up consistently, whose actions are congruent with his words, is a good man. A man who always treats you – and others! – with respect and politeness is a good man. The actual number of zeros on his paycheck is not that important. Remember that even if you both only earn $40K per year – together that’s a nice household income (in most places) of $80K when you marry or move in together. That’s comfortable. To be comfortable with a man who loves and cherishes you should be the goal. Also, there are a lot of creeps online. I stopped posting my own profile because I would have to slog through dozens if not over 100 responses from weirdos with creepy photos. I only answer other ads, and only from men who sound as if they authentically want a real relationship, and that they value things other than age, looks, bra size etc. Look for ads written by men who say age, race and looks are unimportant. Those men value higher things, and it will shine through in the way that they treat you. They are at a higher level. Doesn’t matter if there are 100 to 1 creeps-to-quality men ratio. You only need 1.
“What Happened to All the Nice Guys?”
I see this question posted with some regularity in the personals section, so I thought I’d take a minute to explain things to the ladies out there that haven’t figured it out.
What happened to all the nice guys?
The answer is simple: you did.
See, if you think back, really hard, you might vaguely remember a Platonic guy pal who always seemed to want to spend time with you. He’d tag along with you when you went shopping, stop by your place for a movie when you were lonely but didn’t feel like going out, or even sit there and hold you while you sobbed and told him about how horribly the (other) guy that you were fucking treated you.
At the time, you probably joked with your girlfriends about how he was a little puppy dog, always following you around, trying to do things to get you to pay attention to him. They probably teased you because they thought he had a crush on you. Given that his behavior was, admittedly, a little pathetic, you vehemently denied having any romantic feelings for him, and buttressed your position by claiming that you were “just friends.” Besides, he totally wasn’t your type. I mean, he was a little too short, or too bald, or too fat, or too poor, or didn’t know how to dress himself, or basically be or do any of the things that your tall, good-looking, fit, rich, stylish boyfriend at the time pulled off with such ease.
Eventually, your Platonic buddy drifted away, as your relationship with the boyfriend got more serious and spending time with this other guy was, admittedly, a little weird, if you weren’t dating him. More time passed, and the boyfriend eventually cheated on you, or became boring, or you realized that the things that attracted you to him weren’t the kinds of things that make for a good, long-term relationship. So, now, you’re single again, and after having tried the bar scene for several months having only encountered players and douche bags, you wonder, “What happened to all the nice guys?”
Women in their 20s have numerous opportunities to date the decent men they claim to want, but they consistently reject or friendzone these men for jerks and promiscuity until they’re past their prime. These women take advantage of the nice guy’s kindness for attention and favors, then accuses him of thinking he was entitled to sex just for being nice. She used him for emotional intimacy without reciprocating, in kind, with physical intimacy. You laughed at his consideration and resented his devotion. You valued the aloof boyfriend more than the attentive “just-a-” friend.
But when you are in her 30s with depreciating looks, jerks who won’t commit, the likelihood of being a single mom, and the social pressure from her married friends, she asks “Where have all the good men gone?” Funny how back when she was chasing the bad boys and the Chads, he was a nice guy unworthy of dating, but now that you are past your prime and need a bailout he’s a “real man” who will treat you with respect.
Eventually, he took the hint and moved on with his life. He probably came to realize, one day, that women aren’t really attracted to guys who hold doors open; or make dinners just because; or buy you a Christmas gift that you mentioned, in passing, that you really wanted five months ago; or listen when you’re upset; or hold you when you cry. He came to realize that, if he wanted a woman like you, he’d have to act more like the boyfriend that you had. He probably cleaned up his look, started making some money, and generally acted like more of an asshole than he ever wanted to be.
Fact is, now, he’s probably getting laid, and in a way, your ultimate rejection of him is to thank for that. And I’m sorry that it took the complete absence of “nice guys” in your life for you to realize that you missed them and wanted them. Most women will only have a handful of nice guys stumble into their lives, if that.
So, if you’re looking for a nice guy, here’s what you do:
1.) Build a time machine.
2.) Go back a few years and pull your head out of your ass.
3.) Take a look at what’s right in front of you and grab ahold of it.
I suppose the other possibility is that you STILL don’t really want a nice guy, but you feel the social pressure to at least appear to have matured beyond your infantile taste in men. In which case, you might be in luck, because the nice guy you claim to want has, in reality, shed his nice guy mantle and is out there looking to unleash his cynicism and resentment onto someone just like you.
If you were five years younger.
So, please: either stop misrepresenting what you want, or own up to the fact that you’ve fucked yourself over. You’re getting older, after all. It’s time to excise the bullshit and deal with reality. You didn’t want a nice guy then, and you really don’t want one, now. What you want from him is emotional support and his paycheck.
Sincerely,
A Recovering Nice Guy