Is it False Advertising if He Backs Out?
Believe it or not, there are many men who are seeking committed midlife relationships. However, while they may advertise that they want a committed relationship during the early stages of the dating process, this may change later on if they find themselves with someone they realize they don’t want to be with for the long term. Their exit clause is usually a self-realization that they were not as ready for a serious relationship as previously thought. This happens quite frequently among men. I don’t believe they are doing anything intentionally to mislead someone.
It’s human nature to seek connection. However, I do believe there are many men and women who misunderstand their own readiness and they seek a midlife relationship from an unhealthy codependent perspective. People like this enter midlife relationships for the wrong reasons. They’ll find out over time that they are not aligned to each other or the relationship might even be toxic. In situations like this, it’s best to end it if the maximum point of emotional availability has been reached.
At this point you’re probably wondering how you can know if you’re really ready for a serious midlife relationship and how you can avoid repeating destructive patterns from the past.
As a dating and relationship coach, I believe we are all capable of being in a healthy, positive relationship. It will take some inner work on your part. You should also understand that healthy midlife relationships can be an incubator for self awareness and personal growth…far more so than reading books, listening to seminars or even coaching.
The reason why many women find themselves repeating unhealthy patterns is because they rarely take the time to explore the lesson and experience that each relationship brings to them, thus they avoid the learning and growth that can happen from the experience.
Discerning the difference between being relationship ready versus if you are truly with the right one can gets tricky. I think we can all agree that when someone isn’t right for you, you don’t feel safe to fully make a commitment. And when a person isn’t ready to commit, they’re not safe to give your heart to.
Many women and men at midlife are not emotionally ready to be in a fully committed relationship. However, they keep themselves out there seeking love because love is worth looking and striving for. Unfortunately they probably just fooling themselves until they come to the realization that they need to do some inner work.
And two people can be ready for a relationship, but just not right for each other. But it gets messy when only one of them sees it that way, resulting in the other person feeling like they’ve been lied to.
After some time in the trenches myself, I’ve come to the conclusion that relationships can be for a season, a reason or a lifetime. I also believe each person who comes into our lives contributes some form of growth to our lives whether we see it that way or not. Honestly, I’d love to find “the one” and settle down with her, but if it doesn’t happen I can still be at peace that I didn’t misrepresent myself.
What are your thoughts? Is it false advertising when a man says he’s ready but then changes his story?
For further reading see my previous post Why Do Men Suddenly Pull Away
He’s so into you..until he’s not. Why did he just pull away and disappear? If you’ve found yourself in this situation a few times, you’ll love my audio program Why Men Pull Away. You’ll learn how to know a flight risk when you meet him and the secrets to getting him to want to stay close.
I loved reading this article because the problem can be two sided. It IS up to a woman to work on issues and evolve herself to really be prepared for a mature commitment. Love is inspiring but not everything. Throw in common sense and practicality 2nd time around. It must be good for both parties and simple enough to not risk future trouble. Blame gets both sides nowhere. People need to be responsible for themselves first. They must be friends willing to go distance and with understanding.
You raise some excellent points. I ended a committed relationship Thanksgiving night when I finally came to accept he had unresolved issues and feelings concerning his ex that I didn’t think we could jointly resolve. I loved him and the aftermath has been painful for me as I’m sure it’s been for him. And yes, I saw the warning signs: comments he made, occasional emotional outbursts. I think he genuinely believed he was emotionally ready to be in love, even telling me he sometimes daydreamed about us being married. Thankfully for both of us, that didn’t happen.