Be prepared to hear about the seduction and illusion long distance relationships create and why they really don’t make sense in the long run if you’re seeking a real partnership.
In addition, how there’s a false sense of intimacy when talking on the phone a lot because you can’t spend much face to face time.
Watch The short video below and be prepared to expand your thinking… and please don’t hate me for sharing my truth.
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So true . I had to marry my first husband to end the space. I am walking away from someone 70 miles away. You’re right. Xo.
I agree on several points, I get the bubble effect I’ve even said that tonmy friends, but what about reconnecting with someone you loved from 30 years ago when we were in our early 20’s. New baggage acquired over the years but we truly know each other, get each other and love each other. We are about an hour away now but he still has family where I live. It’s only been 6 months and it’s been a process but we both feel like no matter what happens we will always love each other. Time will tell and I’m hopeful that we will be able to grow together and things will progress authentically.
Hi Jonathon, this video is spot on. I particularity appreciate your analogy about creating roots that helps develop a relationship. I’ve had a long distance relationship and I traveled to meet the man. After the second visit I realized that it just wasn’t going to work. If we had been “dating” and spending more one on one time together I would have seen early on that we weren’t a good match and saved myself the misery of being stuck in a place and situation away from home. Not to mention being “obligated” to have sex when I just wasn’t ready. I learned my lesson and now
do not allow myself to date men who are not near where I live.
I am in love with someone close to me. He just wants to be friends. Mostly Facebook friends. We started out close. I would love to know how to draw him back. Right now I’m doing no contact and unfollowed him. Dating others but knowing he is the one.
Hi Jonathon,
The only available males living in my back yard are bears and cougars .
So I have to look at at least an hour drive … but that takes me in to a city that I don’t like that stresses me out and I am not a city girl. I mean, I do love visiting NYC and London UK but city people seem to be deeply rooted in their offices and Starbucks and looking great in dressy clothes and I am a jeans and rubber boots kind of girl.
I have been raising children for 27 years and my youngest is graduating this year. We have a number of animals.
Winter has been long and my car broke down so many times this winter that I haven’t gotten out much even when I tried a dating site because one of my oldest daughters kept suggesting I try it again . I realized I didn’t want to be a disappointment to someone because I put thirty pounds on ( must be my hibernation fat although bears lose that faster than I do). Dating sites don’t work for me because I would rather not be in a “catalogue”.
Anyways. I tried long distance several times in my life. Once I ended up engaged to a lovely man but I was young and had too much of the world to see and he had already seen it all. He became a dear friend and eventually married a wonderful woman who has become a dear friend of mine. Last date was three or four years ago and the lead up in phone calls was wonderful and fun. Meeting him and all his friends I found myself laughing and having so much fun with everyone. I felt like me, comfortable in my own skin. Authentically me. When I left to come home he told me he hadn’t been lonely before he met me and then wrote to tell me he loved me. Of course my heart soared. But months passed where he said he would come visit. Eventually I went back again. This time I met all the lovely wives of his friends. It felt like home to me. But then I came home. One more trip but by then the distance had been too much for him and he had started seeing other women. Sometimes I feel like long distance could work for a woman because for many of us when we fall in love then that person is the only person we want to be with. Listening to your video and hearing how over time men lose interest because they need the day to day experiences, etc I began to understand why it didn’t last from his side.He still sends me little notes once in a while. We have become friends. I know if we had lived in the same town it would have been lovely. Or at least I think it would have been.On the bonus side my heartache helped me lose forty pounds for the summer. Always a bright side I suppose. Anyways I really would love to just meet someone lovely doing something we both love and then have one of those days where we talk and talk and laugh . But it just doesn’t happen and I have no where to meet anyone. I volunteer at two wonderful events but otherwise meeting men just doesn’t happen. Last summer a lovely man walked up to me and put his hand on my cheek at an event I am part of and said “ you are beautiful!” And I really wasn’t beautiful but somehow he seemed to see the inner me and that is what I want at this age , a man who sees who I am inside because nearing sixty I definitely have lost some confidence in my looks. He had this beautiful light about him and was so kind to people.
So I am considering packing up my house and animals and moving to the ocean so at least I can have a small farm with rescued animals and live life peacefully without a man in it. Not by choice but because I am beginning to think maybe there isn’t anyone for me to fall in love with and be loved by. At least not men my age.
So,long distance was a dream and yes I would have moved this year to be with someone lovely but I don’t think it’s in the cards for me.
I have been single , other than seeing that one person briefly years ago for nearly 8 years and I think for some of us that forever person may not exist.
I started an international long distance relationship with someone I started seeing during a junior year abroad. After spending about 8 mos. together in person, we then embarked on a very financially and emotionally expensive series of international phone calls and trips to visit each other in which I totally twisted myself into a pretzel like Jonathan said women in this situation usually do. At age 20/21, I went on leave of absence from college, trashed my work life by quitting jobs whenever he visited and only accepted temp assignments, spent thousands on phone bills and plane tickets to Europe, and put on blinders when it came to other men I could potentially date. Through this series of visits, we became addicted to the roller coaster of agony and ecstasy the comings and goings caused. We would live for these intensely concentrated,
romantic bubbles of time together that excluded mostly everything and everyone else for 2 to 3 week periods. Right after I graduated from college, we had a disastrous summer visit. He never obtained a work visa for the summer camp where he was supposed to work and I quit my job so he wouldn’t be bored and alone all day. I said no to a summer business program at Dartmouth that accepted my application… so he wouldn’t be bored and alone all day. He cut his visit short and went back home to Europe after I had trashed my summer to feed the fantasy-fueled monster that was our relationship. We actually ended up getting married in 2000, but eventually separated in 2007 and divorced in 2008. The marriage was unfulfilling and devestated my self esteem in ways from which I’m still recovering 10 years later. If we’d had a chance to cohabitate or live close by each other while working and living daily life with chores and choices, we would not have gotten married, and we would have sought out more compatible partners earlier in life. I’m a dyed-in-the-wool romantic, and I’d have said to Jonathan, “But we’re the exception!”, and a huge part of our relationship glue was stubbornness and proving all the nay-sayers wrong. But… here I am, nearly 22 years after our fateful meeting late in 1996, nearly 18 years after getting married, and nearly 10 years after the divorce… coming up on 8 years after declaring bankruptcy to discharge the debt he left piled on me when he skipped the country, leaving me with a toddler… and I really have to agree with Jonathan on this one. He speaks the truth. I’d say you have as much chance of bonding with a relationship-capable partner by long distance as you have of winning the lottery. I’d suggest treating your love life more like an investment and less like a trip to a casino.
I fully agree Jonathon
Thanks Jonathan, even though I haven’t suffered from a (mileage) long distance relationship mine has been emotionally unavailable hookup casual sex or married men that don’t reveal that (long distance men) just found out today when one of them came back today! Ps when pushed also said his married ex girlfriend called and asked him for sex I told him she can have him and so can all the women he talked about I have finally got it through my beautiful head I am worthy of a loving faithful emotionally and sexual fulfilling and financial and spiritual God blessed marriage and actually have got sexy at being on my own (much experience at that) till that happens and Mr let every woman have him now knows it and knows I won’t be on my own for long! I have many sexy coaches on the same pages as I am about this! Thank You your one of them
I also fully agree with Jonathon. However, what you can do if you live in a very small town of 1,500 people and the nearest town is 80 miles away? I really mean it when I say there are no available men in our town because they are not. I have lived in this town for 15 years and could not find any eligible bachelor in my age group between 50 – 60 years old. When I did online dating, only 1 – 2 men appeared in my town but like I said before, they were either 20 years younger or 20 years older than I was. All other available men were at least 80 miles away and didn’t want to start a relationship with me because I was too far away. So now I really don’t have a choice and move to some bigger city or be single for rest of my life.
Get it. Got i. Always good insight.
However – what if money and other commitments are not an issue?
Have met someone 500 miles away — but flights every hour.
Exceptionally company. Forget it? Make it work?
Money and time are not an issue?
We get each other like no prior relationship
Is this an acceptable exception to the “rule”?
We met each other over a year ago and gave the relationship 1 month chance of survival – but –
We are in month 14 — a chance to survive??
I would say that in general LDR’s are not the best route. They indeed are very challenging and take two truly committed, trusting, mature people to make it through. I do think one of the main factors for success is if you started out with a strong foundation while dating in the same area where you had the consistent time together. The are millions of couples where one or both are in the military and have to deal with long distance for months even years at a time. It is a huge sacrifice and some relationships fail but many have learned to work through it and figure it out. For the non-military couples, perhaps a job required someone to move, or a family situation. if a strong foundation was built and both parties want to maintain the relationship they will do what it takes Again, not easy. I would hope to think they make this choice because they would rather have the person in their life under whatever circumstances currently exist than not at all. They also know that circumstances to change over time and it may not always be like that. I personally have been in both scenarios with a partner nearby and a partner far away. I would say in general that it is probably best to date “close-by” for the ease of building a foundation but if you have no other options, do be open, recognize that situations and circumstances can and will change down the road if you (both) want them to. If you meet a wonderful person who treats you well and you love your friendship with them then go with that. If you were to rule out a great person just due to the distance factor (which may just be for a time) then you sure can do that but also be sure you can walk away and wouldn’t wonder what if. So while close-by may be Easier, it may not always be better if you are always wanting to be with someone else that you let go. I think part of what drives the frustration of dating though is that it is already so hard on so many levels and Jonathon is just trying to say that this is one aspect you can control if you want to and not make it so hard.
I live in a small town. There is no one I’m interested in having a relationship with. Most of the men I meet online…that I like…live 45 min to 1 hour away. That’s not a big deal for me but it is for most of them. They want someone down the street to have all the experiences that you mentioned. I get it….but to me it could work if both parties are wiling to put in the effort. And if you want someone who lives close why go on a dating site? It’s very frustrating.