Call Men Out When They Pull Away, Ghost or Disappear
If the title has you wondering why an advocate for understanding men suggesting a rather aggressive approach with men, there’s a good reason.
Let’s face it, there are a lot of boys dressed up as men when it comes to being compassionate and caring for another human being.
When two people enter into a relationship, there should be an unwritten rule that you’ll take the other person’s feelings into account when one has doubt or fear. Instead of allowing men a free pass, I suggest calling them out on bad behavior.
In today’s episode, we are going to explore the DEEPER conversation of why it’s important to give men a kick in the butt every once in a while.
Let’s talk about… Call Men Out When They Pull Away, Ghost or Disappear
Podcast: Play in new window | Download
Subscribe: Apple Podcasts | Spotify | iHeartRadio | TuneIn | RSS
Resources:
1 on 1 Call with me: https://www.jonathonaslay.com/schedule-a-coaching-call
5 Qualities Men Seek In A Women (FREE GIFT) https://www.jonathonaslay.com/qualities
Mid-Life Love Mastery — https://jonathonaslay.com/midlifelove
Self-Love the Book: http://www.selflovethebook.com
I texted a guy who ghosted next saying it was the cruelest way to end something. No response
That’s his character…
I’m beeing ghosted now.If he reaches out I will confront this behaviour. What would you suggest to tell him?
With a kind tone, ask him “what’s up?”
As another woman I would say to him something like, I haven’t heard from you in a while, would you like to share with me where you have been and where exactly you think I fit into your life?
Dating regularly for about 8 weeks. His words pretty early on….”I don’t want you to continue on these dating sites, I want you to be my girlfriend”…we proceeded to become more serious. We have regular communication. Just last weekend, took me to his cousins birthday party and introduced me to some of his family. “Some” of his weekends, without me, have been (1) visiting his family and (2) work trips. I’ve suggested we go away together, he pauses. I want to move it forward beyond just ‘his place, my place, dinners out’. We have had one talk about “our status” – he says he assumes we are exclusive…however, I do see he is still on the sites…maybe I’m pushing too hard? I REALLY like this man. Yep maybe I need to ask “What’s up, really?”
One woman to another – He asks you to get off the sites but he is still on the sites. Seems pretty clear that he has something else going on. I agree, ask him “What’s really going on? Either we both are exclusive or we both are exploring our options.” Make it clear that you are fine either way, just not one rule for you and another for him because you don’t operate that way. Nobody gets you exclusively until they deserve you, which has to be proven.
Jonathon,
When it comes to being ghosted while in a relationship I’ve called the guy out. However, when it’s been in the early stages and before the first date, I’ve let it go. My experience was I’d either get no response or I’d get a lame excuse and then a few days later the behavior would be repeated. Your thoughts?
Sounds like you’re doing a good job on how to approach it…
Cool. Thanks!
I’m right at the beginning but absolutely it is possible to always be nice and kind but to also always be authentic and speak your truth. I would say that word where nice is being used as hiding your feelings would more accurately be pretend. Do not pretend anything, do not pretend you like something, or accept something, or tolerate something. Be kind, be nice but don’t be unfaithful to yourself by pretending.
Oh, Jonathon, every time you mention your son I cry. I simply cannot imagine the pain you must feel in losing a child. So, yes, Jonathon, you should cry, and we will share your pain and send waves and waves of love to you.
“Calling someone out,” I so have difficulty with the terminology but I’m not sure what exactly to call it instead. I do know that men are vastly different from women in that it is natural for them to back off and assess what exactly they are feeling and experiencing and, yes, that is completely different from the guy who flat out ghosts. I think there is a thin line between normal behavior and bad behavior and most women of my acquaintance will label a good guy who really is not being negligent as having bad behavior. This is where what you say is so accurate, why lean back and wait and get all angry and upset or feel neglected. Reach out and say, “Hi, I was wondering how you were doing.” If he doesn’t respond well there’s your answer. Most men will answer you, and here is where niceness is actually taking care of yourself. You reached out because you are a nice person who genuinely cares, but you don’t come across as needy, clingy, distraught, where have you been, why haven’t you called.
Funny story, I remember a male friend who texted to let me he would be in town for a couple hours that night. I’m like, “Well, this is definitely ‘take a number’ day, but, yes, you win, I’ll meet you for a little bit.” He asked me about the take a number and I told him my ex had decided I was now very desirable, and my former boyfriend had also contacted me in a similar manner. My friend asked if his life was in danger. Nope, ex lives in X town 3 or 4 hours away (and is married) and former boyfriend lives in Malta so he is an ocean and a sea away. You are safe! So, tonight you have my undivided attention, tomorrow who knows.
Jonathon, thank you, your advice is also excellent and thanks for the story. I always say I never drink because I was always the life of the party without drinking, now I’m wondering if I did drink if I would morph into something I might not like as well – food for thought. By the way, do not feel guilt, or shame, or remorse, or anything. You are human, and that in and of itself makes you totally forgivable and lovable. Besides that, can you imagine how boring life would be if everyone was perfect – what a drag! The fact that we are so very colorful makes life more fun.
Thank you for your kindness, you’re the best!
We aren’t in a relationship but talk/text pretty much every day. And he initiates it all because I has said I am just his “friend.” I know I love him. But when I try to pull away, he ups his sweetness knowing full well he has me. So I have been stuffing my own feelings to be friends. I either need to totally walk away with no contact anymore to get over him or “call him out.” BUT I really do not want to hear again, he sees me as his friend. I do not believe I am fantasizing us because his words and actions are confusing me.
My next podcast about boundaries might help you… this is all about boundaries for yourself. Sending hugs
It can give a person a feeling of great power to have someone on a string like a yo-yo that they can reel in or let go at will. As Jonathon said, listen to the podcast on boundaries, and learn as much as you can about self-love. Read Jonathon’s book as it is an excellent resource,
Jonathon, it’s after midnight and I’m still thinking about this podcast, so you can know it was a very profound one. I want to tell you a story about ghosting because the one thing I would tell every woman who has ever been ghosted is to examine herself and see if there is anything whatsoever that she might have said or done to make a man so uncomfortable that he didn’t have the nerve to speak up about his feelings. Former boyfriend, who pretty much told me his life story, the good and the bad, told me about his college girlfriend who one night after they had been dating for a while laid out for him her plan for their future life together, getting married, kids, everything down to him selling his motorcycle to buy a “family car.” He said he didn’t discount what she said, really loved her, until she got to the motorcycle and that ended that idea flat (You can have anything you want but don’t touch my motorcycle!) He told her he would go get some wine and they could celebrate – he rode off and never contacted her again. I asked him why he didn’t just tell her his side of it. Well, he didn’t want to hurt her feelings, and he didn’t know what to say so he just disappeared. Now, this is a man who repelled a hill in Santa Monica to repossess a car, who repossessed a famous rapper’s Ferrari from his driveway, and repossessed a motorcycle from the middle of a Hell’s Angels’ gathering, so not your usual “lily-livered” coward. We as women sometimes say things that turn the bravest men into scared little boys – not on purpose, of course, but we sometimes do this.
I had to let one go yesterday. The poor guy was still quite hung up on an ex. It started as an icebreaker conversation on date-one about online dating fails (his topic, not mine), and it mushroomed into constant ruminations about a toxic four month relationship that recently ended for him. Three dates in, and several direct “I’m not really enjoying this conversation” and “I’m sure you can understand that this is making me uncomfortable”, I pulled the plug, with compassion. I explained that I didn’t feel that he was seeing my qualities, or giving me any consideration beyond how I’m contributing to his healing. But also that his feelings are valid, and he needs to take some time to sort himself out. I think the message got through. I do wish him well, but not at my expense.
Thank you so much for sharing your experience…