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Eight Dates: Essential Conversations for a Lifetime of Love Hardcover – February 5, 2019
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Navigating the challenges of long-term commitment takes effort—and it just got simpler, with this empowering, step-by-step guide to communicating about the things that matter most to you and your partner. Drawing on forty years of research from their world-famous Love Lab, Dr. John Gottman and Dr. Julie Schwartz Gottman invite couples on eight fun, easy, and profoundly rewarding dates, each one focused on a make-or-break issue: trust, conflict, sex, money, family, adventure, spirituality, and dreams.
Interactive activities and prompts provide motivation to stay open, stay curious, and, most of all, stay talking to each other. And the range—from the four skills you need for intimate conversation (including Put Into Words What You Are Feeling) to tips on being honest about your needs, while also validating your partner’s own emotions—will resonate, whether you’re newly together or a longtime couple looking to fortify your bond. You will discover (or rediscover) your partner like never before—and be able to realize your hopes and dreams for the love you desire and deserve.
- Print length224 pages
- LanguageEnglish
- PublisherWorkman Publishing Company
- Publication dateFebruary 5, 2019
- Dimensions5.75 x 0.88 x 8.4 inches
- ISBN-101523504463
- ISBN-13978-1523504466
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From the Publisher
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You’ll laugh, you’ll cry, you’ll be swept away—in less time than it takes to read this paragraph. Here are 175 true stories—honest, funny, tender and wise—each as moving as a lyric poem, all told in no more than one hundred words. | From Sharon Salzberg, a pioneer in the field of meditation and world-renowned teacher acclaimed for her down-to-earth style, Real Happiness is a complete guide to starting and maintaining a meditation practice. | Find a sense of calm and hope with this illustrated gift book from the world renowned and bestselling meditation teacher as she offers bite-sized tidbits of inspiring advice. | Seeing, really seeing, is like meditation. In a world filled with distraction, seeing mindfully is a way to pay attention, to hit pause and find calm by focusing on what’s directly in front of us. | Love yourself unconditionally. There are days when we all need it, an empowering reminder to nurture our spirit and encourage growth. |
Editorial Reviews
Review
“Whether you are already in a long term committed relationship or are just starting one, Eight Dates is an essential guide to building and maintaining true and lasting love. Based on decades of scientific studies and clinical wisdom from our world’s leading visionaries in romance, this fabulous book will enable you to engage in fun and constructive conversations to nurture a love that can grow for a lifetime!” —Daniel J. Siegel, MD, New York Times bestselling author, Aware: The Science and Practice of Presence
"Brilliant" —The Chicago Tribune
2019 Nautilus Book Award -Gold in the Communications Relationships category ―2019 Nautilus Book Award
About the Author
Julie Gottman, Ph.D., is a clinical psychologist and the cofounder and President of The Gottman Institute. She is the cocreator of the immensely popular The Art and Science of Love weekend workshops for couples, and she also co-designed the national clinical training program in Gottman Couples Therapy. She is Author/co-author of five books: Ten Lessons to Transform Your Marriage, And Baby Makes Three, 10 Principles for Doing Effective Couples Therapy, The Man’s Guide to Women, and The Marriage Clinic Casebook. Julie lives in Seattle.
Doug Abrams is president and founder of Idea Architects, a literary agency, as well as an author and editor. His most recent bestseller is The Book of Joy, with The Dalai Lama and Desmond Tutu. He lives outside Santa Cruz, CA.
Rachel Carlton Abrams, M.D., is an integrative physician and the author of the book BodyWise. She and Doug live outside Santa Cruz, CA, and have three young adult children.
Product details
- Publisher : Workman Publishing Company (February 5, 2019)
- Language : English
- Hardcover : 224 pages
- ISBN-10 : 1523504463
- ISBN-13 : 978-1523504466
- Item Weight : 2.31 pounds
- Dimensions : 5.75 x 0.88 x 8.4 inches
- Best Sellers Rank: #2,296 in Books (See Top 100 in Books)
- #4 in Dating (Books)
- #17 in Marriage
- #30 in Love & Romance (Books)
- Customer Reviews:
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Eight dates, relationship building book
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Review - Eight Dates (a must have relationship book!!!)
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Found this book well worth the read
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About the authors
Douglas Carlton Abrams is a former editor at the University of California Press and HarperSanFrancisco. He is the co-author of a number of books on love, sexuality, and spirituality, including books written with Archbishop Desmond Tutu, Yogacharya B.K.S. Iyengar, and Taoist Master Mantak Chia. He is the co-founder of Idea Architects, a book and media development agency, which works with visionary authors to create a wiser, healthier, and more just world. In his life and work, he is interested in cultivating all aspects of our humanity 'body, emotions, mind, and spirit. His goal in writing fiction is to create stories that not only entertain, but also attempt to question, enchant, and transform.
The Lost Diary of Don Juan, which Atria will release in May 2007, is his first novel and will be published in twenty-seven countries around the world. He lives in Santa Cruz, California, with his wife and three children.
World-renowned for his work on marital stability and divorce prediction, Dr. John Gottman has conducted 40 years of breakthrough research with thousands of couples. He is the author of over 200 published academic articles and author or co-author of more than 40 books, including The New York Times bestseller The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. Dr. Gottman’s media appearances include Good Morning America, Today, CBS Morning News, and Oprah, as well articles in The New York Times, Redbook, Glamour, Woman’s Day, People, Self, and Psychology Today. Together with his wife Dr. Julie Schwartz Gottman, he is founder of The Gottman Institute and creator of Gottman Method Couples Therapy, a research-based approach to strengthening relationships.
Discover more of the author’s books, see similar authors, read book recommendations and more.
Julie Gottman, PhD, is the cofounder of Gottman, Inc. and cofounder of Affective Software, Inc. A highly respected clinical psychologist, she is the author of the national bestseller Eight Dates and the New York Times bestseller The Love Prescription. She is sought internationally by media and organizations as an expert adviser on marriage, domestic violence, post-traumatic stress disorders, gay and lesbian adoption, and parenting issues.
Customer reviews
Customer Reviews, including Product Star Ratings help customers to learn more about the product and decide whether it is the right product for them.
To calculate the overall star rating and percentage breakdown by star, we don’t use a simple average. Instead, our system considers things like how recent a review is and if the reviewer bought the item on Amazon. It also analyzed reviews to verify trustworthiness.
Learn more how customers reviews work on AmazonCustomers say
Customers find the book useful for learning about important topics and having meaningful conversations. They find it provides good value for money and is a great book for couples. The book helps them bring back romance and teach commitment and relationship values in a real way. It's easy to read, with plenty of exercises to practice. Customers say it will grow their relationship and teach commitment and relationship value in a real way, and they love the date ideas. Overall, customers appreciate the depth of the book and its helpful advice on communication.
AI-generated from the text of customer reviews
Customers find the book helpful for having in-depth conversations about important topics. They say it provides useful advice on how to communicate and learn to love each other. The book asks meaningful questions that both parties had to ponder before each date. It explains many ups and downs in a romantic relationship, with exercises and discussion questions in each chapter. The authors provide great insight for renewing those butterflies and how to keep them.
"...There's short exercises that help individuals get thinking about the topics at a deeper personal level prior to each date which helps make the dates..." Read more
"This book is very informative and I love the context. I definitely recommend this book." Read more
"...This book gives instrumental advice on how best to communicate and learn and love each other. It is practical and a nice paced read...." Read more
"Helped a lot. Applies to so many aspects of life. We enjoyed learning with this book." Read more
Customers find the book useful for learning who they are and preparing for the future. They say it's easy to read for second-language speakers, sparks quality conversations, and is practical and a nice paced read that creates a strong foundation for them.
"I really enjoyed this book. For every book, no matter how great, there's always critics or things that don't appeal to some...." Read more
"...Great book!" Read more
"...have to put the effort in to get the benefits, but I promise you, it's worth it." Read more
"Great book would def recommend, plan on reading the others by Julie as well when I can get to it." Read more
Customers find the book helpful for couples. It teaches commitment and relationship values in a straightforward way. They say it's suitable for new relationships and provides excellent tips for struggling or successful ones.
"...key conversations that can make or break a healthy, happy, satisfying relationship, and provides a great variety of examples and scientific research..." Read more
"...It forces those tough conversations that all couples must have to help maintain a healthy relationship. Great book!" Read more
"Perfect couple reading for couples that are thinking long term. Especially BEFORE living together...." Read more
"...Loyalty, Trust, Commitment, sexual intimacy, finances and shared household work chapters are the most essential ongoing discussions we have now...." Read more
Customers find the book easy to read with clear instructions and tips. They appreciate the authors' straightforward message and genuine advice. The topics are well-thought-out and the book is described as entertaining.
"...There's also great instructions and tips, not just on how to keep each conversation positive, healthy, and even fun, but also how to communicate..." Read more
"...Great collaborative writing from the authors and tools on embracing differences...." Read more
"...The authors' message is simple - commit to a lifetime of curiosity about your partner - and for those who don't know what that looks like, they give..." Read more
"...and the discussions, as well as the topics, are so important and well thought out...." Read more
Customers find the book helpful for growing relationships. It teaches commitment and relationship values in a practical way. The authors' message is simple, encouraging curiosity about partners. They focus on honesty and trust, which are important for building romance. Readers describe the book as practical and inspiring, not just for married couples.
"...this book very early in my current relationship and it helped us build a close bond quickly. People think we have been together for years...." Read more
"...gives instrumental advice on how best to communicate and learn and love each other. It is practical and a nice paced read...." Read more
"...The authors' message is simple - commit to a lifetime of curiosity about your partner - and for those who don't know what that looks like, they give..." Read more
"...Loyalty, Trust, Commitment, sexual intimacy, finances and shared household work chapters are the most essential ongoing discussions we have now...." Read more
Customers find the book's date ideas helpful and interesting. They appreciate the guidelines for dates, meaningful conversations, and a recap at the end. The book provides good guidance for dating.
"...I give it a 5 because I believe it will be helpful in most dating peoples lives. Give it a shot." Read more
"...The Gottmans cover a variety of important conversations and ideas for dates to help grow love in our important relationships...." Read more
"...and though it wasn't what I was really looking for, it's a pretty nice book of "dates" for serious couples...." Read more
"This book has been a favorite for my husband and myself. The dates and the discussions, as well as the topics, are so important and well thought out...." Read more
Customers find the book provides deep questions and opportunities for open discussion. They say it helps them understand each other better and themselves better.
"This book had lots of thought provoking questions as a launchpad to have discussion I would have never thought of with my beloved...." Read more
"This book has helped my BF and I to understand each other in a much deeper level (and ourselves too)...." Read more
"I am grateful for all the open ended questions I have found in this book for me and my partner...." Read more
"...of where to have these conversations and leading questions to ask for open discussion...." Read more
Customers enjoy the book. They find it fun, with activities that help create depth and communication in relationships.
"Helped a lot. Applies to so many aspects of life. We enjoyed learning with this book." Read more
"Although I am not currently in a relationship: I enjoyed reading each chapter and reflecting on past relationships..." Read more
"Great content. Fun, easy read. However, the quality of paper is quite cheap." Read more
"a must read to improve your love Life. Fun and easy to read. I'll definitely read other books of dr...." Read more
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arrived ripped but good book
Top reviews from the United States
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- Reviewed in the United States on April 29, 2022I really enjoyed this book. For every book, no matter how great, there's always critics or things that don't appeal to some. I'm glad I didn't let those opinions stop me from purchasing this.
Even prior to beginning a new relationship recently (my first one in several years after taking time for introspection and personal growth), I've been heavily interested in psychology, esp on relationships/sex. I've read many books on the subject, including at least one other by John Gottman, and still found this book well worth the read. It covers what I believe really are the key conversations that can make or break a healthy, happy, satisfying relationship, and provides a great variety of examples and scientific research for each area of focus. There's short exercises that help individuals get thinking about the topics at a deeper personal level prior to each date which helps make the dates themselves more productive and connective. There's also great instructions and tips, not just on how to keep each conversation positive, healthy, and even fun, but also how to communicate effectively in general. Many are simple things that I'm sure we've all heard at some point—active listening by making eye contact, rephrasing back, and asking questions; keeping an open, non-judging mindset; being kind and understanding to each other; etc—but are summarized together very succinctly and efficiently. The dates themselves (i.e. the topics of focus) are, imo, very thoughtfully laid out as far as order and build well. For example, date 1 begins with Trust & Commitment, a foundation that is necessary in order to make the following dates that cover more sensitive subjects (such as money/work and sex) successful.
Additional highly important key points to happy relationships are emphasized throughout the book, such as cherishing each other, showing kindness, and focusing on positive, which align perfectly with my own experience and other research, yet are often overlooked or greatly undervalued by most couples. I appreciated this. I also appreciated that it was stated (and backed with examples/research) that aside from a few specific aspects (such as wanting children or not), differences in couples, such as interests and certain beliefs, does not corelate with level of happiness and satisfaction, and WHY, as well as tips on HOW to connect in these situations. This has been a fear of mine in my own relatively new relationship that is otherwise the happiest, healthiest one I've ever been in and truly see being a lifelong partnership; so I felt so grateful to read this.
I loved that the authors also included small actions that can be immediately implimented. Kissing each other goodbye, finding small ways to show appreciation, committing to a dedicated time to be with each other each week, etc. Again, this is likely not new info for anyone who's read other relationship books but I still found it very well said and still found new takeaways in each chapter.
I could go on. Highly recommend this book. Whether you're single, newly relationed, or have been together for years, I think everyone could gain something from this book.
- Reviewed in the United States on February 14, 2025This book is very informative and I love the context. I definitely recommend this book.
- Reviewed in the United States on February 21, 2025This book is essential reading for serious couples. It forces those tough conversations that all couples must have to help maintain a healthy relationship. Great book!
- Reviewed in the United States on October 12, 2022My now-husband and I read "Eight Dates" as part of our pre-marital counseling, and we loved it! From sex to finances, family and fun, this interactive book covers it all. We did most of our dates at home (we had COVID during part of the time and were saving for a wedding, lol) so it was nice that they recommended settings for every budget.
Each of the dates focuses on a different aspect of your relationship. My husband and I had talked about most of things already, but we were encouraged to delve much deeper into the topics than we ever had before. Especially useful was the encouragement to explore the reasons for/causes of our attitudes—and triggers—about certain topics, many of which were rooted in childhood experiences, or trauma.
For instance, on our first Christmas together, I got really upset when he cleaned/tidied up the "mess" immediately after we finished opening gifts; turns out that, growing up, my family left everything out to play with/admire, right up until we went back to school, which meant Christmas was over. I've also moved around a lot and experienced bouts of homelessness, so often, if I couldn't see something or get to it right away, it meant I had lost it and would never have it again—so putting things away tended to upset me.
Understanding the roots of our different attitudes has lead us not only to grow closer, but to be more compassionate towards each other, instead of getting annoyed when the other is acting "irrational." I highly recommend this book, not only to new couples, but to people who've been together for years, even if you're not experiencing problems. You both have to put the effort in to get the benefits, but I promise you, it's worth it.
- Reviewed in the United States on December 30, 2024This book had lots of thought provoking questions as a launchpad to have discussion I would have never thought of with my beloved. I’m going to propose we read it together and do the dates.
- Reviewed in the United States on January 24, 2025Great book would def recommend, plan on reading the others by Julie as well when I can get to it.
- Reviewed in the United States on November 19, 2024Went through this book very early in my current relationship and it helped us build a close bond quickly. People think we have been together for years. We’ve bought 2 copies and have given them to our favorite couple friends. Highly recommend
- Reviewed in the United States on October 21, 2023Recommend to anyone dating right now with an ultimate goal of partnership or lasting connection. This book gives instrumental advice on how best to communicate and learn and love each other. It is practical and a nice paced read. I am single but will be referring to this in future partnerships. Great collaborative writing from the authors and tools on embracing differences. I give it a 5 because I believe it will be helpful in most dating peoples lives. Give it a shot.
Top reviews from other countries
- JudyReviewed in Canada on January 28, 2025
5.0 out of 5 stars Perfect book for my daughter
Bought this for my daughter for Christmas. She said it’s an excellent book with practical and helpful ideas.
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BortonitaReviewed in Mexico on December 12, 2023
5.0 out of 5 stars El mejor libro de noviazgo o matrimonio
Wow voy a la mitad del libro y está buenísimo porque te explican los estudios que le han hecho a varias personas referente a los aromas , quien tiende ser más promiscuo como pareja y no te conviene o cómo comunicarte de nuevo con tu pareja, no no no les juro que es el mejor libro que me he comprado es una joya que todos los que tenemos una relación debemos leer
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Rafael BiancoReviewed in Brazil on August 22, 2021
5.0 out of 5 stars Leia em conjunto
Um dos melhores livros sobre relacionamento que você vai encontrar no mercado. Ele não é apenas teórico e prático, ele lhe permite viver e experimentar os exercícios. Eu fiz um pequeno teste, apliquei durante 8 semanas todas as técnicas e meus clientes adoraram, perceberam muitas mudanças no casamento. Não satisfeito eu fui além, fiz 8 lives sobre o livro e meus seguidores trouxeram resultados positivos sobre a aplicação das ferramentas.
É uma leitura simples, tranquila e que lhe permite ter muitas reflexões, ainda mais se você ler junto do seu parceiro ou parceira, apliquei boa parte das coisas que aprendi e isso tem ajudado na construção de um lar mais tranquilo, mais vivo, mais amoroso.
- MoreentjeReviewed in the Netherlands on March 15, 2024
4.0 out of 5 stars Insightful
This is my first time reading a relationship advice book. I love how much this book is centered around not just learning but doing. Each chapter has a planned date with discussion questions to challenge you and your partner to learn from everything you've read in that chapter.
Really insightful read on communication, trust, and intimacy. Would highly recommend for people in a long term relationship or new relationships wanting to take their relationship to the next level or deepen there connection. There comes a moment you know everything about one another, try keeping the conversation going. That’s the hard part. Book gave me a few tips that I can keep re-using.
- ALAIN LE BERREReviewed in Germany on December 26, 2023
5.0 out of 5 stars Very insightful and practical
Great advice, and very practical, stuffed with exercises and examples of how to use in practice