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Eight Dates: Essential Conversations for a Lifetime of Love Hardcover – February 5, 2019

4.7 4.7 out of 5 stars 5,131 ratings

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Strengthen and deepen your love with a fun, ingenious program of eight life-changing conversations—on essential topics such as money, sex, and trust—from two of the world’s leading marriage researchers and clinicians.
 
Navigating the challenges of long-term commitment takes effort—and it just got simpler, with this empowering, step-by-step guide to communicating about the things that matter most to you and your partner. Drawing on forty years of research from their world-famous Love Lab, Dr. John Gottman and Dr. Julie Schwartz Gottman invite couples on eight fun, easy, and profoundly rewarding dates, each one focused on a make-or-break issue: trust, conflict, sex, money, family, adventure, spirituality, and dreams.
 
Interactive activities and prompts provide motivation to stay open, stay curious, and, most of all, stay talking to each other. And the range—from the four skills you need for intimate conversation (including Put Into Words What You Are Feeling) to tips on being honest about your needs, while also validating your partner’s own emotions—will resonate, whether you’re newly together or a longtime couple looking to fortify your bond. You will discover (or rediscover) your partner like never before—and be able to realize your hopes and dreams for the love you desire and deserve.
 
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From the Publisher

The big secret to a love that lasts is simple: it happens by choice not chance.
From two of the world's leading marriage researchers comes an award-winning program...
Includes questionnaires, innovative excercises, real life case studies, and more...
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See Your Way to Mindfulness
Love Notes to My Self
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4.6 out of 5 stars 385
4.7 out of 5 stars 555
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4.6 out of 5 stars 50
Price $13.13 $11.69 $11.82 $10.96 $9.99
You’ll laugh, you’ll cry, you’ll be swept away—in less time than it takes to read this paragraph. Here are 175 true stories—honest, funny, tender and wise—each as moving as a lyric poem, all told in no more than one hundred words. From Sharon Salzberg, a pioneer in the field of meditation and world-renowned teacher acclaimed for her down-to-earth style, Real Happiness is a complete guide to starting and maintaining a meditation practice. Find a sense of calm and hope with this illustrated gift book from the world renowned and bestselling meditation teacher as she offers bite-sized tidbits of inspiring advice. Seeing, really seeing, is like meditation. In a world filled with distraction, seeing mindfully is a way to pay attention, to hit pause and find calm by focusing on what’s directly in front of us. Love yourself unconditionally. There are days when we all need it, an empowering reminder to nurture our spirit and encourage growth.

Editorial Reviews

Review

“[A]n instant hit… If you’ve been married forever and think this book isn’t for you, (dates??), think again.” —Oprah.com

“Whether you are already in a long term committed relationship or are just starting one, Eight Dates is an essential guide to building and maintaining true and lasting love.  Based on decades of scientific studies and clinical wisdom from our world’s leading visionaries in romance, this fabulous book will enable you to engage in fun and constructive conversations to nurture a love that can grow for a lifetime!” —Daniel J. Siegel, MD,
New York Times bestselling author, Aware: The Science and Practice of Presence

"Brilliant" —
The Chicago Tribune

2019 Nautilus Book Award -Gold in the Communications Relationships category ―
2019 Nautilus Book Award

About the Author

World-renowned for his work on marital stability and divorce prediction, John Gottman, Ph.D., has conducted 40 years of breakthrough research with thousands of couples. His work on marriage and parenting has earned him numerous major awards, including four National Institute of Mental Health Research Scientist Awards. He is the author or coauthor of more than 40 books, including the bestselling The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work; What Makes Love Last; The Relationship Cure; Why Marriages Succeed or Fail; and Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child. Dr. Gottman’s media appearances include Good Morning America, Today, CBS Morning News, and Oprah, as well articles in the New York Times, Ladies Home Journal, Redbook, Glamour, Woman’s Day, People, Self, Reader’s Digest, and Psychology Today. Cofounder of the Gottman Institute with his wife, Dr. Julie Schwartz Gottman, John was also the Executive Director of the Relationship Research Institute. He is Professor Emeritus of Psychology at the University of Washington, where he founded "The Love Lab" at which much of his research on couples’ interactions was conducted. He lives in Seattle.

Julie Gottman, Ph.D., is a clinical psychologist and the cofounder and President of The Gottman Institute. She is the cocreator of the immensely popular The Art and Science of Love weekend workshops for couples, and she also co-designed the national clinical training program in Gottman Couples Therapy. She is Author/co-author of five books: Ten Lessons to Transform Your Marriage, And Baby Makes Three, 10 Principles for Doing Effective Couples Therapy, The Man’s Guide to Women, and The Marriage Clinic Casebook. Julie lives in Seattle.

Doug Abrams is president and founder of Idea Architects, a literary agency, as well as an author and editor. His most recent bestseller is The Book of Joy, with The Dalai Lama and Desmond Tutu. He lives outside Santa Cruz, CA.

Rachel Carlton Abrams, M.D., is an integrative physician and the author of the book BodyWise. She and Doug live outside Santa Cruz, CA, and have three young adult children.

Product details

  • Publisher ‏ : ‎ Workman Publishing Company (February 5, 2019)
  • Language ‏ : ‎ English
  • Hardcover ‏ : ‎ 224 pages
  • ISBN-10 ‏ : ‎ 1523504463
  • ISBN-13 ‏ : ‎ 978-1523504466
  • Item Weight ‏ : ‎ 2.31 pounds
  • Dimensions ‏ : ‎ 5.75 x 0.88 x 8.4 inches
  • Customer Reviews:
    4.7 4.7 out of 5 stars 5,131 ratings

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Customer reviews

4.7 out of 5 stars
5,131 global ratings

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Customers say

Customers find the book useful for learning about important topics and having meaningful conversations. They find it provides good value for money and is a great book for couples. The book helps them bring back romance and teach commitment and relationship values in a real way. It's easy to read, with plenty of exercises to practice. Customers say it will grow their relationship and teach commitment and relationship value in a real way, and they love the date ideas. Overall, customers appreciate the depth of the book and its helpful advice on communication.

AI-generated from the text of customer reviews

99 customers mention "Information quality"99 positive0 negative

Customers find the book helpful for having in-depth conversations about important topics. They say it provides useful advice on how to communicate and learn to love each other. The book asks meaningful questions that both parties had to ponder before each date. It explains many ups and downs in a romantic relationship, with exercises and discussion questions in each chapter. The authors provide great insight for renewing those butterflies and how to keep them.

"...There's short exercises that help individuals get thinking about the topics at a deeper personal level prior to each date which helps make the dates..." Read more

"This book is very informative and I love the context. I definitely recommend this book." Read more

"...This book gives instrumental advice on how best to communicate and learn and love each other. It is practical and a nice paced read...." Read more

"Helped a lot. Applies to so many aspects of life. We enjoyed learning with this book." Read more

75 customers mention "Value for money"75 positive0 negative

Customers find the book useful for learning who they are and preparing for the future. They say it's easy to read for second-language speakers, sparks quality conversations, and is practical and a nice paced read that creates a strong foundation for them.

"I really enjoyed this book. For every book, no matter how great, there's always critics or things that don't appeal to some...." Read more

"...Great book!" Read more

"...have to put the effort in to get the benefits, but I promise you, it's worth it." Read more

"Great book would def recommend, plan on reading the others by Julie as well when I can get to it." Read more

46 customers mention "Romance"46 positive0 negative

Customers find the book helpful for couples. It teaches commitment and relationship values in a straightforward way. They say it's suitable for new relationships and provides excellent tips for struggling or successful ones.

"...key conversations that can make or break a healthy, happy, satisfying relationship, and provides a great variety of examples and scientific research..." Read more

"...It forces those tough conversations that all couples must have to help maintain a healthy relationship. Great book!" Read more

"Perfect couple reading for couples that are thinking long term. Especially BEFORE living together...." Read more

"...Loyalty, Trust, Commitment, sexual intimacy, finances and shared household work chapters are the most essential ongoing discussions we have now...." Read more

28 customers mention "Ease of use"28 positive0 negative

Customers find the book easy to read with clear instructions and tips. They appreciate the authors' straightforward message and genuine advice. The topics are well-thought-out and the book is described as entertaining.

"...There's also great instructions and tips, not just on how to keep each conversation positive, healthy, and even fun, but also how to communicate..." Read more

"...Great collaborative writing from the authors and tools on embracing differences...." Read more

"...The authors' message is simple - commit to a lifetime of curiosity about your partner - and for those who don't know what that looks like, they give..." Read more

"...and the discussions, as well as the topics, are so important and well thought out...." Read more

19 customers mention "Builder"19 positive0 negative

Customers find the book helpful for growing relationships. It teaches commitment and relationship values in a practical way. The authors' message is simple, encouraging curiosity about partners. They focus on honesty and trust, which are important for building romance. Readers describe the book as practical and inspiring, not just for married couples.

"...this book very early in my current relationship and it helped us build a close bond quickly. People think we have been together for years...." Read more

"...gives instrumental advice on how best to communicate and learn and love each other. It is practical and a nice paced read...." Read more

"...The authors' message is simple - commit to a lifetime of curiosity about your partner - and for those who don't know what that looks like, they give..." Read more

"...Loyalty, Trust, Commitment, sexual intimacy, finances and shared household work chapters are the most essential ongoing discussions we have now...." Read more

17 customers mention "Date ideas"17 positive0 negative

Customers find the book's date ideas helpful and interesting. They appreciate the guidelines for dates, meaningful conversations, and a recap at the end. The book provides good guidance for dating.

"...I give it a 5 because I believe it will be helpful in most dating peoples lives. Give it a shot." Read more

"...The Gottmans cover a variety of important conversations and ideas for dates to help grow love in our important relationships...." Read more

"...and though it wasn't what I was really looking for, it's a pretty nice book of "dates" for serious couples...." Read more

"This book has been a favorite for my husband and myself. The dates and the discussions, as well as the topics, are so important and well thought out...." Read more

8 customers mention "Depth"8 positive0 negative

Customers find the book provides deep questions and opportunities for open discussion. They say it helps them understand each other better and themselves better.

"This book had lots of thought provoking questions as a launchpad to have discussion I would have never thought of with my beloved...." Read more

"This book has helped my BF and I to understand each other in a much deeper level (and ourselves too)...." Read more

"I am grateful for all the open ended questions I have found in this book for me and my partner...." Read more

"...of where to have these conversations and leading questions to ask for open discussion...." Read more

8 customers mention "Enjoyment"8 positive0 negative

Customers enjoy the book. They find it fun, with activities that help create depth and communication in relationships.

"Helped a lot. Applies to so many aspects of life. We enjoyed learning with this book." Read more

"Although I am not currently in a relationship: I enjoyed reading each chapter and reflecting on past relationships..." Read more

"Great content. Fun, easy read. However, the quality of paper is quite cheap." Read more

"a must read to improve your love Life. Fun and easy to read. I'll definitely read other books of dr...." Read more

arrived ripped but good book
4 out of 5 stars
arrived ripped but good book
Book arrived fast but disappointed the cover was ripped. The rest was fine though
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Top reviews from the United States

  • Reviewed in the United States on April 29, 2022
    I really enjoyed this book. For every book, no matter how great, there's always critics or things that don't appeal to some. I'm glad I didn't let those opinions stop me from purchasing this.

    Even prior to beginning a new relationship recently (my first one in several years after taking time for introspection and personal growth), I've been heavily interested in psychology, esp on relationships/sex. I've read many books on the subject, including at least one other by John Gottman, and still found this book well worth the read. It covers what I believe really are the key conversations that can make or break a healthy, happy, satisfying relationship, and provides a great variety of examples and scientific research for each area of focus. There's short exercises that help individuals get thinking about the topics at a deeper personal level prior to each date which helps make the dates themselves more productive and connective. There's also great instructions and tips, not just on how to keep each conversation positive, healthy, and even fun, but also how to communicate effectively in general. Many are simple things that I'm sure we've all heard at some point—active listening by making eye contact, rephrasing back, and asking questions; keeping an open, non-judging mindset; being kind and understanding to each other; etc—but are summarized together very succinctly and efficiently. The dates themselves (i.e. the topics of focus) are, imo, very thoughtfully laid out as far as order and build well. For example, date 1 begins with Trust & Commitment, a foundation that is necessary in order to make the following dates that cover more sensitive subjects (such as money/work and sex) successful.

    Additional highly important key points to happy relationships are emphasized throughout the book, such as cherishing each other, showing kindness, and focusing on positive, which align perfectly with my own experience and other research, yet are often overlooked or greatly undervalued by most couples. I appreciated this. I also appreciated that it was stated (and backed with examples/research) that aside from a few specific aspects (such as wanting children or not), differences in couples, such as interests and certain beliefs, does not corelate with level of happiness and satisfaction, and WHY, as well as tips on HOW to connect in these situations. This has been a fear of mine in my own relatively new relationship that is otherwise the happiest, healthiest one I've ever been in and truly see being a lifelong partnership; so I felt so grateful to read this.

    I loved that the authors also included small actions that can be immediately implimented. Kissing each other goodbye, finding small ways to show appreciation, committing to a dedicated time to be with each other each week, etc. Again, this is likely not new info for anyone who's read other relationship books but I still found it very well said and still found new takeaways in each chapter.

    I could go on. Highly recommend this book. Whether you're single, newly relationed, or have been together for years, I think everyone could gain something from this book.
    117 people found this helpful
    Report
  • Reviewed in the United States on February 14, 2025
    This book is very informative and I love the context. I definitely recommend this book.
  • Reviewed in the United States on February 21, 2025
    This book is essential reading for serious couples. It forces those tough conversations that all couples must have to help maintain a healthy relationship. Great book!
  • Reviewed in the United States on October 12, 2022
    My now-husband and I read "Eight Dates" as part of our pre-marital counseling, and we loved it! From sex to finances, family and fun, this interactive book covers it all. We did most of our dates at home (we had COVID during part of the time and were saving for a wedding, lol) so it was nice that they recommended settings for every budget.

    Each of the dates focuses on a different aspect of your relationship. My husband and I had talked about most of things already, but we were encouraged to delve much deeper into the topics than we ever had before. Especially useful was the encouragement to explore the reasons for/causes of our attitudes—and triggers—about certain topics, many of which were rooted in childhood experiences, or trauma.

    For instance, on our first Christmas together, I got really upset when he cleaned/tidied up the "mess" immediately after we finished opening gifts; turns out that, growing up, my family left everything out to play with/admire, right up until we went back to school, which meant Christmas was over. I've also moved around a lot and experienced bouts of homelessness, so often, if I couldn't see something or get to it right away, it meant I had lost it and would never have it again—so putting things away tended to upset me.

    Understanding the roots of our different attitudes has lead us not only to grow closer, but to be more compassionate towards each other, instead of getting annoyed when the other is acting "irrational." I highly recommend this book, not only to new couples, but to people who've been together for years, even if you're not experiencing problems. You both have to put the effort in to get the benefits, but I promise you, it's worth it.
    92 people found this helpful
    Report
  • Reviewed in the United States on December 30, 2024
    This book had lots of thought provoking questions as a launchpad to have discussion I would have never thought of with my beloved. I’m going to propose we read it together and do the dates.
    2 people found this helpful
    Report
  • Reviewed in the United States on January 24, 2025
    Great book would def recommend, plan on reading the others by Julie as well when I can get to it.
  • Reviewed in the United States on November 19, 2024
    Went through this book very early in my current relationship and it helped us build a close bond quickly. People think we have been together for years. We’ve bought 2 copies and have given them to our favorite couple friends. Highly recommend
    4 people found this helpful
    Report
  • Reviewed in the United States on October 21, 2023
    Recommend to anyone dating right now with an ultimate goal of partnership or lasting connection. This book gives instrumental advice on how best to communicate and learn and love each other. It is practical and a nice paced read. I am single but will be referring to this in future partnerships. Great collaborative writing from the authors and tools on embracing differences. I give it a 5 because I believe it will be helpful in most dating peoples lives. Give it a shot.
    19 people found this helpful
    Report

Top reviews from other countries

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  • Judy
    5.0 out of 5 stars Perfect book for my daughter
    Reviewed in Canada on January 28, 2025
    Bought this for my daughter for Christmas. She said it’s an excellent book with practical and helpful ideas.
  • Bortonita
    5.0 out of 5 stars El mejor libro de noviazgo o matrimonio
    Reviewed in Mexico on December 12, 2023
    Wow voy a la mitad del libro y está buenísimo porque te explican los estudios que le han hecho a varias personas referente a los aromas , quien tiende ser más promiscuo como pareja y no te conviene o cómo comunicarte de nuevo con tu pareja, no no no les juro que es el mejor libro que me he comprado es una joya que todos los que tenemos una relación debemos leer
  • Rafael Bianco
    5.0 out of 5 stars Leia em conjunto
    Reviewed in Brazil on August 22, 2021
    Um dos melhores livros sobre relacionamento que você vai encontrar no mercado. Ele não é apenas teórico e prático, ele lhe permite viver e experimentar os exercícios. Eu fiz um pequeno teste, apliquei durante 8 semanas todas as técnicas e meus clientes adoraram, perceberam muitas mudanças no casamento. Não satisfeito eu fui além, fiz 8 lives sobre o livro e meus seguidores trouxeram resultados positivos sobre a aplicação das ferramentas.

    É uma leitura simples, tranquila e que lhe permite ter muitas reflexões, ainda mais se você ler junto do seu parceiro ou parceira, apliquei boa parte das coisas que aprendi e isso tem ajudado na construção de um lar mais tranquilo, mais vivo, mais amoroso.
  • Moreentje
    4.0 out of 5 stars Insightful
    Reviewed in the Netherlands on March 15, 2024
    This is my first time reading a relationship advice book. I love how much this book is centered around not just learning but doing. Each chapter has a planned date with discussion questions to challenge you and your partner to learn from everything you've read in that chapter.

    Really insightful read on communication, trust, and intimacy. Would highly recommend for people in a long term relationship or new relationships wanting to take their relationship to the next level or deepen there connection. There comes a moment you know everything about one another, try keeping the conversation going. That’s the hard part. Book gave me a few tips that I can keep re-using.
  • ALAIN LE BERRE
    5.0 out of 5 stars Very insightful and practical
    Reviewed in Germany on December 26, 2023
    Great advice, and very practical, stuffed with exercises and examples of how to use in practice